Headache and Self Care

Today is Tuesday and tomorrow I am taking a mental health day for which I am grateful for due to having a splitting headache for the better part of the day :(
Since the New Year we've been working and doing our thing.  We've had a few date nights enjoying the local area.  We've been busy but not terribly busy.  We enjoy the weekends that are never long enough but we do what we can!

A quick weekend away is scheduled for next weekend...a music festival with beer of course :P. It should be a good time to get away from here for a little staycation near by! 
Joe is enjoying his new job and adapting to the civilian way of work having to have had to hire and fire someone in about a couple of weeks of starting and is in the midst of hiring two more people.  Although I am working in a civilian function for the government there are tons of similarities between my work environment and being military.  Which adds to my work stress.

Work is full of typical work stressors along with the stressors that come with this type of work.  The balance of meeting the client where they are at but also aiding them in finding their motivation to move forward.  
The work of acknowledging that I will not always be the person that will help them forward and to be accepting of that.  I am human also and sometimes there is not that therapeutic connection that is needed for someone to be vulnerable to fully engage in therapy.  Some days it's a struggle to fully believe that and not beat myself up for not meeting my high expectations or expectations that I think others have for me.

My work is fulfilling, draining, amazing, and frustrating all in one day.  I get home and I'm mentally stressed and exhausted.  It's important for me to be tuned into my self and also make myself a priority...thus my mental health day tomorrow and my goal for taking at least one day a month off!
I'm so looking forward to unplugging tomorrow!

Sliding into 2018 with sunshine and ice

Work is starting to pick up.  I have a schedule and am building a client load.  Slowly but surely things are moving forward at work.  I had a ego boost the other day...a client did an intake with another therapist and he called back requesting someone else due to she reminding him of his mom.  This therapist was worried I also would remind him of his mom because we look a like but we met and there was more too it and he will be staying with me for therapy.  Little silent victories that show me I am decent at my job.  As a therapist it is so important not to make snap judgments.  If you think about one's self, I am complex and things are never as straightforward as I may express...so why would I think a client in front of me is as simple in regards to their struggles?!  We are human beings and we do judge others, even therapist, but as a therapist part of our education is acknowledging what comes up for us but then letting it go so we may be open for our clients.  We can't help others if we are constrained by our own judgments and thoughts.

I have found that when I have a morning meditation it is helpful for me to be more present throughout the day. I go for days when I spend 10min a morning in a practice but things get hectic or I choose sleep over getting up in time to add that to my morning.  So I bought some journals to help me write stuff down.  Since receiving "The Sunrise Manifesto" I've been using it daily in the morning, at most it takes 5 and if I want to write more maybe 10 minutes out of my morning.  So the time is the same but with this journal I feel more productive in that action.  Every day is just 2 pages.  There are specific questions or comments to address on one page and the other page is for you to brain dump!  So far I'm loving it and am noticing the difference in my day to day.  The 10 minutes of guided meditation is good also, but this appears to be easier to maintain and keep doing!
We've been getting out and about on the weekends, mostly.  This past weekend we checked out the Anchorage Museum and it was awesome.  All the information about the native tribes was overwhelming!  They also had some fun exhibits for us to play around with so it was a good time getting out in the limited day light we have.

We bought tickets to go North to Fairbanks via the train!  We are exited about this!  Seeing more of AK and hopefully the Northern Lights while we are there!  More to come on that adventure.

Week 4 completed at work

Not good with titles and when I started down to write about this past week...I had nothing.  Maybe it was because it was a regular week.  

I'm still learning stuff at work but also a lot of down time at work :(. Still no schedule but I am getting consults for people that cannot be booked! Not good!  I thought I had a plan B but that failed and now I'm on plan C....we will see how it works with this coming week!

This past Monday manning was strained due to people calling in sick.  So I was given the opportunity to step up and see some same day clients.  It was a good learning experience and I was able to get that OJT type of training, the training that works for me once I've watched others.  I ended up seeing 3 people and I felt things went rather smoothly.  The longest part of patient care is the documentation and it's doubly long for me due to not being familiar with all of the parts of the electronic records.  I'll get it though the more I use it!

One thing I DO NOT like is typing on the computer while talking to a patient.  I'd rather face them and hand write stuff to be inputted to the note later.  It feels impersonal for me to be talking to someone and typing while they are talking especially if they are emotional.  I am unable to see their facial, physical, little nuances if I'm looking at a computer screen.  I was speaking with a veteran and he got teary eyed and I was able to comment on that and bring more information out of him.  If I was focused on typing the the computer, that moment would have been lost.

Still working on my "grove".  With that Monday of stepping up I got a chip for 59 free minutes to use when I want...leave early, long lunch etc., so that is cool!

It was a short week with Friday being a holiday so that is nice!  Thursday we checked out the local cidery and I really enjoyed being able to try different types of ciders!  

I just clarified with Joe that we've been here almost two months but it feels longer.  Since living here I have only seen 3 moose! Joe has seen more :( and he also saw a wolf on base!  The days are getting shorter daily but I've been consistent with my vitamin D supplement and using my happy light.  The gym usage..... ugh, it's ugly and I still haven't made it back.  I need to play with the days that I go.  I don't do well trying to go during the week.  I can make it during the beginning of the week but by Wednesday on my motivation and energy to go is close to nonexistent.  SO today, which is Saturday, I am going to attempt....NO I will go to the gym while Joe does some school work.  Joe is plugging along with his degree and had a driving test with UPS on Friday, which he passed, for some seasonal work.  He's been keeping himself busy with school work, job hunting, and networking.  Joe is the extrovert between the two of us and he needs more social interaction that I do but he helps me get out more.  

Last night we had food and drinks with our neighbors.  First off it's awesome to just throw my slippers on and walk over for a hang out!  We had a wonderful time munching on good food, drinks, and conversations.  Prior to going over there I was in a mood but I had some alone time, did my own thing, and by the time we came home I was doing well and today I'm feeling good (thus a good time to hit the gym right?!). 

I find that when I am able to focus on things outside of myself  my moods are not as intense and debilitating.  Being in a depressed bitchy mood for a majority of the day yesterday was switched by focusing on Joe, getting out, and then having dinner with friends.  Now if I spent yesterday focusing on my thoughts, feeding them, over thinking things, and never turning my focus outward I will place money on the table that I would still be in that mood, if not worse, today.  

Being active in our own life allows us to be in more control.  When making an active decision to think a certain way, view something, not do something.... THAT is what is in our control.  We cannot control people or things or anything in life other than our selves.  Once we harness that, life is less stressful and it is more enjoyable!

Work time

Week 1 of work done.  It's a struggle for me being the "new person" at work.  I like the challenge and the new environment but it's exhausting because I tend to put really high expectations on myself.  This past week was mostly new employee orientation.  Working a federal job comes with different nuances compared to a non-fed job.  For me it wasn't all that different due to spending a majority of my work life in the military but I can see how overwhelming it can be for someone that has not worked in a federal environment.
It was a small group of new employees so that made it more comfortable and not as overwhelming since we could talk and bounce things off one another.  I have a beautiful view of the mountains from the hospital and I have my own office that I need to make cozy for my clients.  It's going to be a process but it will be nice to have that stability and personal touch when doing therapy.

One thing I have realized from my past job and now this one...not a whole lot of orientation.  You get a drive by set of basic stuff and then you're off to the races.  Coming here to Anchorage I did not realize that Alaska has the highest, or one of the highest percentages of veterans, so it seems as if the is VA has a lot more veterans working at it than other VAs.  The majority of people that I have met, coworkers, have either served or are married to a military member.  


My goals of working out didn't go too well this past week :(. I made it only two times to the gym out of my goal of 5 times.  BUT I did do a decent job at tracking my food, sticking to reasonable portions and not eating out a lot this week!  According to my food tracking I only went over my calorie intake ONE day!  That's a win for me!  I'll need to figure something out for this coming week,  more of a balance of working out at the gym and downtime at home.  I may be an ever other day gym person....

Last night we went to The Rocky Horror Picture Show!  Fun time but today I'm moving slow.... my recovery time after drinking is not as good as it use to be :(. We were all surprised that not as many people dressed up!  I expected more costumes but a majority of people were not dressed up. It was like us four and maybe another group of about 5 people!  

Health & Fitness

So, I didn't get to the gym on Monday :(. We all know that Monday sets the stage for your week right?!  Well, it's Tuesday and I've been going non-stop.  Woke up, had a Spark, a meal bar, and headed over to the gym.  I'm proud of myself for doing as much as I did!

When we had our "eval" the guy stated that walking on the treadmill at an incline is fine for what I want to do.  So 30 minutes, a face pace, and a decent incline!  BOOM!  I then went over to their "quick workout" area which is their weight machines.  They say if you do all of the machines you get a full body workout!  So there I went.  I was grateful that the gym wasn't busy when I got there and there were just a few people on the machines with me.  I worked my way all the way around, doing three sets of the weights.  I think I'm going to be a tad sore tomorrow.  I didn't go crazy with the weight but enough for me to be struggling by the time I was on my last rep!  I didn't time myself :(. I'll need to do that next time. The plan is at least 4 times a week, 4 days of cardio and three of those days do the weights.  I'll probably have to throw in a workout class to mix it up during the week!

Joe is currently at the gym so we are getting to it!  

I bought a crock pot the other day since Blue Apron doesn't deliver to Alaska (it's a bit of a sore spot for us).  So I planned for a few dinners for the rest of the week and all of those we will probably have left overs so that will be good to decrease the amount of times we eat out.

Did some more grocery shopping today and it was nice and empty at the store that was great!  I was in a checkout line behind a couple of older ladies, one with her checkbook, and the cashier was nice and chatty with both of them.  I get up there and she seemed to not want to be bothered with chit chat?!  I was pleasant but once I got the vibe I kept quiet and just waited.  When the bagger showed up from helping checkbook lady out to her car, the cashier was joking and chatty with him.  I dunno but it's definitely one of those things that I have talked about in my psycho-educational groups.

So often we are prisoners of our own minds and making assumptions of others.  It is easy for me to make an assumption about this lady that was directed at me: she doesn't like my reusable bags, I look too young to be shopping in the middle of the day...must be a stay at home wife, maybe I gave her a look without realizing it, she wasn't happy that I was talking to the older gentleman behind me in line...   I could easily internalize her mood and make it personal and all about me.  That's what we normally do.  Things that I tell clients all the time: don't take it personal, stop the assumptions, and if someone has an "issue" with you then they can say something if they don't then it's not important enough to waste your time/energy on it.  

I noted her change in demeanor towards me compared to other individuals, thought about some possibilities to "why" but those thoughts were fleeting and I didn't hold on to any one "story" that would impact my life.  I found the whole thing interesting and peculiar and even mentioned it to Joe but that was the extent of my energy and time given to it.  I've defiantly had days and moments when I was not able to let go of things and my whole day was ruined!  I am finally keeping my power and not giving it to others!  

All the moving boxes are GONE and we have two boxes full of give away/donations.  Next step is hanging stuff on the walls :). 

Bit by bit, more and more this is feeling like our new home!

Low Census'd

I was low censused today, on this stormy rainy day.  When our patient count gets low, we don't need all the therapist to be there so we are low censused.  It's been awhile since this has happened and I've been getting a good amount of hours so this gives me a much needed down day home alone.  Being low censused is a mixed blessing...I get some free time in the middle of the week and it means that there is less military members in need, but then it means a low paycheck :( 

Yesterday I did some self disclosure.  I understand that in regards to therapy there are different feelings on if therapist should self disclose their own past struggles or not.  I once heard if you self disclose for therapeutic reasons, for the help of others, then things are good but if it's done for your own personal reason then it's not good.  It's not about you!  For me I go with my gut, by doing so I am genuine to what is going on to me and my feelings.

For the past week or so, I've been having the same group of guys in the chemical dependency groups and we've got our own little groove going.  A majority of them struggle with PTSD.  Yesterday the topic was guilt and shame, and at one point I felt their walls going up as in "she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, how hard it is" and I said that in group...that some people may be thinking those things and one of the guys said "get out of my head".  This same guy wears a DV shirt and I pointed it out and said I'm a part of that group not because I'm trolling but because I have a disability rating for PTSD for MST so I'm not talking out of my ass!  The vibe changed in the group and after the group I had an older Army guy come up to me and ask me about boundaries and what "it looks like" and in our conversation a light went off in him for what he's been doing :(  Another guy came up and thanked me for sharing and explained that he prefers my groups, even before my sharing, because how I talk to them and how I break things down.  Moments like that refuel my soul in regards to doing this job!
I really do love my job!

As for my other thing...I still haven't seen a doctor about my mammogram results.  I was referred for general surgery and I touched based with the doc I was referred to and she doesn't have an opening until 26 May :(  I called the Choice Program people back and told them that wasn't going to work and they are looking for a new provider so I can get a quicker appointment.  They have 5-7 business days to get back to me...ugh the wait sucks but I'm limited in what I can do so I just continue to be assertive and on top of them to ensure they don't "forget" about things :(

Treatment Failure

Failure is such a strong word.  Last week one of my military members was listed as a treatment failure and sent back to his post.  This individual had a bunch of stuff in his past that is crippling him, trauma that had turned this person from a man with potential to a man of anger.  He had a "front" and every once in awhile I could see past it, but he did not progress in his treatment and he was with us for over 30 days.  I didn't get to say goodbye to him.  Due to his words he was sent to the ICU wing and stayed there until he was picked up by his command.  I can only hope that some of my words will stay with him and he will get to the place where he is able to work through the shards of his past.  
I do not see this person as a treatment failure, and I never used those words in my last note.  I see him as not ready, I may have not been the therapist to guide him, the environment may not have been the best for him. Not being ready is not a failure to me.  
So many times in life we are presented with situations or opportunities that we forgo for one reason or another, sometimes the timing isn't right but we are just not ready.  We did not fail at life or that situation, we just chose a different path.  
I wish the best for this person, that he will eventually find happiness and peace in his life along with a strong sense of self worth.  This wish I put out into the universe and let it go....for I can only learn from this experience and try to be better at what I do but I cannot beat myself up for this or go over and over what I did nor did not not do.  He will not be my last person that I will see that is not in a place to begin healing.  
I just need to keep doing my best by these individuals and hope that I am planting a seed that will grow over time.

Business of reality and struggles

As a social worker I expect to hear stories that make me question humanity.  Working with military I expect to hear the stories and struggles of war but yesterday I heard stories of the war that is going on here in the U.S.  We see it on the news, the fighting in the streets of cities and children being killed but it's (for most of us) not a part of our reality.  A client spoke of his childhood, at 13 years old he saw a "friend" shoot a man in the face over some money that was owed. They ran and this client never told his family and just dealt with seeing that trauma.  He didn't see his "friend" until he was older and it was scary for him and eventually this "friend" ended up in jail.  This client then went on to talk about all the murders that happened in his neighborhood, a kid was stabbed numerous times and help took 2 hours to show up because the area wasn't safe.  This is just one person's childhood in the U.S.  
We are living in a world where some people don't understand the finality of death, it's a way to handle a minor dispute. Then we have our soldiers coming back from war scarred and fractured because of the things they have had to do.  I find myself struggling to help them.  Life is hard I tell them, it sucks and it will beat you down, but they have the strength within them to persevere but THEY have to do it.  As a therapist I can give them all the tools that I can, we can talk about things, process them and get to a good place but THEY have to do the work and THEY have to maintain a practice to keep moving forward.  
A majority of the guys struggle with the "why" of life, they stumble around looking for hope for their future, they want answers and a reason for things.  I think they are surprised when I tell them more than likely they won't ever get an answer to their "why" that will satisfy their question. Why did a teenager shoot another person in the face over some money?  What answer could be given that could possibly put one's mind at ease for clarity and closure?  Any answer given will just produce more a string of Why?

I am a big pusher of being present and building one's awareness of self.  It's a struggle at times but it helps to keep one calm and reality centered.  Some people latch onto this practice, I have one client that is soaking it in like a sponge, but others still want answers, they want revenge, they have to understand..... the concept of just being able to control one's self is an absurd thought.  I will continue trying with these individuals, finding a place to meet them to allow them to let go of some of their toxic baggage.  We have a little under 20 clients on the unit now and I wish I could interact with each one and help them as much as I can but I don't have the capabilities or the time which in itself is a disservice to their care.

This past weekend I took Sami girl in for some shots.  The vet place I go to has a handful of veterinarians and each time I've gone Sami has met with a different one.  They all have been nice and good with their job but each one had a different view on Sami.  In Utah I noticed that Sami's hind legs were not working as well as they should.  She would get the Bambi legs on slippery floors and struggled to get them back under her. Over the months it has gotten slightly worse.  Before we moved to Florida I had her shaved and normally her coat will grow back rather fast, she is still looking shaved and it's been about 3 months.  She's had some skin issues and in N.C. the vet brought up cushing's.  I had some test done with neg results, oh, her liver enzymes are off too...  We get to FL and I do a test a Cushing's and to check her thyroid and everything checks out.  I'm thinking she's going to be 12 in 2016, she's getting old so all this stuff is par for the course.... 
This Saturday the vet brought up the possibility of degenerative myelopathy (DM).  She did some quick checks on Sami's back legs and based on her lack of reaction she feels as if it's a neurological issue and not something else. I looked up DM and a little over 50% of pem corgi's can suffer from this.  It is not painful but over time she will gradually loose function of her back legs.  The vet brought up the future use of a wheelchair.  Reading numerous websites they state the progression to be 6 months to a 1 year before the dog is a paraplegic.  If Sami does have DM and I recall seeing this start in Utah we are around 7 months into this progression. Needless to say I came home and cried.  Then I thought about the wheelchair thing, and my gut is a strong no!

I love Sami, she is such a blessing to me, but she is still a dog that deserves a good quality of life.  If she cannot walk and looses her independence what will that do to her spirit?  In this day and age we want to extend people's lives and our pets but at what cost?  I found a facebook page that is a support group for owners whose dogs have DM.  I see a lot of post of people who are struggling with their dogs, they have the carts for them, but this disease doesn't stop at their hind legs.  It progressively moves up their body where they loose control of their bowels, get increase UTIs due to issues and then eventually loose motion in their front legs.  Why would I want to keep Sami around when she can't move without dragging herself and then will be laying in her own waste until I clean her up and a lady post about trying to express her dog?!  Will Sami know what is going on with her?  I'm guessing not!  I am crying just typing this, knowing that I will have to put her to sleep.  I have been hoping that Sami would just go in her sleep with her old age :P  It's going to be hard...but I have more time with her.  She struggles but she is still very capable of making it around the small block in our apartment.  I have her on some meds for her other stuff and we'll keep pressing on until that day comes.  She's a trooper!

I had some other news this past weekend but am still processing it and am not at liberty to share what it is. Life is constantly changing and I'm trying to utilize my therapy guidance of not forcing answers, not looking for reasons I will never understand or be content with....

Happy Girl

I'm starting to get my routine down here in sunny Florida!  Yep, it's early November and I'm still walking around in a tank top and shorts :)  I'm seeing post of friends and family talking about snow flurries already happening!  I'm blessed to be near the ocean and doubly blessed for the warm weather!

Work is calming down some.  Our census, aka patient count, has decreased so I feel that we can all breathe a little bit more.  I'm starting to figure out the paperwork and haven't been making too many mistakes ;) and I feel that the clients appreciate me and I am planting seeds of change in them.  
I had an older client, he was a veteran and not active duty (a majority of our clients are still active duty).  He had gone through the routine treatments for PTSD at his local VA but was still struggling.  I did his intake assessment but was not his individual therapist.  Knowing that he went through the normal VA treatments I let him borrow a couple of books.... "War and the Soul" and "Come to Your Senses".  He was a volunteer client (most are) and he checked himself out on a day I wasn't at work, he returned the books with this note:

I hope he does well in his future even though he left before he got any treatment from our facility.

I'm still trying to navigate getting an intern license here in Florida. I need a letter from the U of U and it's been a struggle to get that from them :(  Out of sight, out of mind.  I'll keep trying and I'll talk to my supervisor here in FL about maybe just getting my LCSW via Utah but here in Florida.  Ugh.... such problems, but at least here in Florida it doesn't matter if I have an intern license to do therapy :P  

I'm not getting the hours I'd like at work, the joys of being PRN but I am enjoying the days off to decompress from work.  The days are long, full of therapy, routine work politics/frustrations so having days off being home alone is good for my self-care!  Plus I'm getting back on that work out routine!  Well.... it's been two days but it's a roll for me LOL  We finished our 24 day challenge and I feel good.  We haven't done our measurements but I do notice that my pants are fitting better along with feeling better.  I'm stoked because I can now have my coffee :D  I missed it in the mornings.  

Overall I am grateful for my life and what I am able to do to help others!  

Part 2 Advocare and onward to my "L"

The cleanse portion is over, now it's on to the next phase... the "max phase".  The three products that we are now taking are to "work together to provide you with sustained energy, appetite control, core nutrition and overall wellness".  I am grateful that the first day of this new phase I am off of work, so I can see how this will play out over the day.  There is more things to take, with some being required to be taken 30 minutes prior to eating.  So again....back to time management :P  

We've been doing pretty well with the clean eating, only a couple of setbacks ( I blame the weekend :P ).  Now that I'm over that blasted head cold I can incorporate working out now also.  Yesterday morning was the first day I managed to make it to the gym here at our apartment.  Nothing like working out at 5 am and then working until 6pm at night! Long day! ugh  So with this new max phase we will see how my energy and everything else goes!

As mentioned, I've been working pretty steady with long days trying to keep my had above water with figuring out how to do everything.  Rumor has it another PRN therapist has been hired and he's prior AF so that should be good.  Plus, currently all the therapist are females so the docs (who are male) are probably glad to get another male in the ranks.

My meeting with the potential supervisor went well so I have secured that and now I'm applying to get my intern license. One more step closer to my "L".  Now a hangup is getting my NGB22 which shows my military history/separation.  Apparently a retirement order doesn't work :(  So I'm making phone calls, leaving messages, and trying to get that handled.  Fun times!

One thing about living here is that there is always something to do here!  This past weekend we attended Unwined which I have described as speed wine tasting.  We tried a handful of wines and walked away with a nice one that supports military members!  Since it was at Pier Park, we walked over and had dinner at Hofbrau Beer Garden and then over to Tootsies for a couple of drinks and some people watching!  We took it easy on Saturday and then took in a Bluegrass and Folk Music Festival which was very relaxing.  It was at a park on the water.  Sunday was a lazy day, I took care of things and Joe went for a ride and then that evening we took a ride together.  We stopped at had salads at Longhorn Steakhouse and the manger, David, hooked us up with a free desert!  We couldn't be rude and it was yummy.  On the way out we talked with David some more, about the area...he gave us some local hot spot recommendations.  People are friendly and welcoming here and we are enjoying it here immensely! On Wednesday the big bike week is started so this weekend we'll probably check that out...and who knows what else. Unfortunately I'm working on Sunday :( 

My parents will be here next week so that should be interesting :P  I'll work every other day next week while they are here so they can have some free time in the area and then we'll have days to do stuff together.  I think that is why I'm working Sunday... since I have a weird schedule next week.  

The power of open communication

     This has been a weird week for me and I think it's manifested into some emotional turmoil.  Last Saturday I attended a funeral for a coworker from the CERFP.  I knew him a little, and felt I needed to show my support at his funeral.  We had a good turn out of UTANG people and it was a beautiful service.  I got more emotional than what I expected and when I got home I laid down and took a nap.  Emotionally I was drained.  
     I had my last group therapy meeting at the VA.  I've missed the past few sessions due to school and well..... excuses excuses.  I went, and it's a good group of people that I have spent Tuesdays nights with for many months.  Unfortunately this meeting just made me feel more broken than whole and I've been thinking about getting an individual therapist for awhile and this just made me want to do that more.  So, Tuesday was a long day and with an early day on Wednesday I was just spent, emotionally and now physically.
     Wednesday at school, the first class we had a guest speakers talk about death and dying and so that was hard.  Some classmates told some personal stories that got me tearing up again :(  Then I got stuck in my head, the beast had found a way in and he charged in with full force.  The beast, aka my depression, is the demon on my back that I am consistently aware of and I do everything in my power to keep him in check.  I tripped up in that delicate dance on Wednesday.
     The negative self talk was in full swing:  
           -Should I be a therapist with my own baggage, I can't even sit in this discussion about dying without crying?
           -Social Workers are known for being outgoing, talkative, and just the outgoing type person.  I am NOT that person and I have never been that person.
           -Everyone else can just go up and talk to the people, the guest speakers, the teachers, etc. and well... I'm do my business and leave.  How do they do that?  How do they have that openness to just go up and talk to people?
           blah
           blah
           blah
You get the idea :(
       After that class I had a 3 hour break before my next class and I had a chiropractor appointment.  The adjustment made me feel better, physically but mentally not so much.  I had lunch and then back to school.  I found myself snippy with classmates and just angry.  I went from depressed, self-questioning, self-defeating to bitch mode.  THAT's going to make it open for people to talk to me! ugh
      At lunch I told Shane how I was feeling.  When I got home we talked and I told him some of my fears and concerns with how I am feeling.  At one point I got angry with Shane, he was doing the guy thing in wanting to "fix" and educate me on what is going on and I'm just screaming inside "I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I'M GETTING A MASTER'S IN SW AND I LIVE WITH THIS DAILY! YOU ARE NOT TELLING ME ANYTHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW"  but I didn't say anything, I just let him talk.  I took some deep breaths and laid there (we were laying in bed talking).  I eventually got passed the emotional point and was at the just lay there and zone out in front of the t.v. point.  Shane left me alone at this point and that was fine.
      The one thing (of many) that Shane does so well is that he gives me my space.  We talked but it gets to the point where no words are needed and how I am, I just need to be alone.  He gets that.  If I have these dark moments that last a weekend,  he'll check on me, ask me if I need anything, but leaves me be.  This allows me as an introvert to "recharge" and battle the beast on my terms which allows m an intimacy with it to the point of recognizing it and knowing what I need to fight it.  
      I woke up on Thursday feeling lighter.  I believe that our short talk where I got my thoughts out to someone else, and then my own little introvert charge allowed me to get past this depression trap sooner than if I just came home and continued to stew in the vortex of doom.  
      If we don't get this repetitive, negative thoughts out of our brain they are trapped.  They are bouncing around in there just getting stronger and louder, they multiply and feed off the other negative thoughts!  By giving voice to them they flew away.  Once I said those things out loud, they went away, they lost their power!  Can it work if I'm not saying them to a person right next to me?  I dunno, but I might give that a try next time!  I don't want to let go of my poison just to inflict it on the person that I love.... thus an individual therapist ;)

School semester is almost done!

WOOT! I'm looking forward being done with these classes, and I'm in denial of my two group presentations that are due and another debate that I need to work on. But I managed to get a 97% on my Human Sexuality paper, and a 90% on my last Global Citizenship paper :) So... I think I'm going to pass all my classes ;)Once this semester is over I go straight into the winter semester. I'm just taking the one class but it's 3 times a week at night :( I'm thinking about doing some guard time for some extra cash.

I still need to get a new military ID :( ugg... I'm still waiting on my new debit card so I'm being very "thrifty" with my money this week. I wasn't able to get my bus pass back so I'm paying for that every day, but it's still cheaper than parking in town.

I had my therapy session yesterday, thank goodness for her. She said that I've done A LOT since my last session with her, and that I was a brave girl for doing some things that I have this past week. She also pointed out things to me that were big, but to me I had acknowledge my actions but I didn't see them for being "big" things. So that was nice to hear. She asked about my crystals, to which I told her I was going to buy some more on the day my stuff was stolen but now... it's on hold till I have access to my money :( She had a bowl of stuff and offered for me to pick on. I automatically picked the ocean jasper (over the tiger's eye!!!) but once I've looked into the meaning it makes sense:
Ocean Jasper is very soothing and helps to love one's self as well as others. It is very healing of the emotions and brings peace of mind. It helps with acceptance of responsibility and increases patience. The circulars patterns on ocean jasper symbolize and help us realize that we are all interconnected and nature is a cyclical pattern. It can also help with circular breathing for healing or meditation. Being a type of jasper, ocean jasper is a very protective stone, and any orbs ("eyes") enhance this in regard to protection from the "evil eye." Physically, ocean jasper is beneficial to the digestion, digestive organs, removing toxins, lessen body odor. Ocean Jasper is related to the heart chakra.
Ocean Jasper is a stone of joy and high spirits. It opens one's awareness to the benevolent aspects of life and lifts one's mood through its positive vibrations. When one is under its influence, it is difficult to take one's problems with dissatisfactions as seriously as one normally does. Ocean Jasper helps lift the veil of negativity which many people unconsciously wear over their eyes, and when this veil is lifted, it is much easier to see and appreciate the many blessings of life. Ocean Jasper stimulates the solar plexus, heart and throat chakras with its beneficial vibrations, conveying the urge to feel, speak and act more positively, it supports the expression of love in one's words and deeds, and it helps one to realize what and whom one truly loves. It banishes complacency and the habit of taking one's loved ones, health, prosperity or security for granted. It is brings one's consciousness to the present moment, relieving worry about the future or bitterness about the past. It allows the release of stress and escapism, helping one understand the value of the here and now.

This one will defiantly travel with me today!

I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days, took a techno break but now... I am just focused on the here and now. I'm getting better and not putting a lot of thoughts and energy into what others may think or view of me. I'm getting better at stopping my mental thoughts that defeat me and stop me from doing things... things that will bring me happiness and joy, something that has also crippled me. I also have been able to bring myself out of my "funks" quicker than before :)

Labels

Can't sleep.... thus blog :)
I had this conversation with Mom yesterday on the way to the Haunted Lagoon and it is on my mind :P

Over the past few months I've been called a handful of things: bitch, tree hugger, feminist. All three things have negative connotations. Bitch... well that's an obvious one, tree hugger-well for me I think of radical women who don't shave and wear sandals all the time, and then there is the feminist...the bra burning man haters. I don't think I fit any of those descriptions ;)

In therapy I've talked about this "bitch" label, and the fact that I do things to be nice and NOT to be perceived as a bitch. I don't want to be the "mean" guy all the time, I don't want people to hate me or view me negatively. Well, I know as well as everyone else that you can't please everyone and be everyone's friend. That still doesn't stop my urge to try and be a nice person that listens to people, that is tortured when I have to hurt someone else even for the sake of my own happiness. Therapist lady pointed out that I have the right to stick up for myself and for my beliefs. I have to stand up for myself and if standing up for myself and respecting myself makes me a bitch, than so be it. I'll own that label.

Tree-hugger. Yep, I gave to Greenpeace on a monthly basis, but then I ran out of money and I'm pinching pennies it as I write. I care for the environment and I'll do what I can to make a difference by being aware of what I buy, informing others of things (my parents have a solar hot water heater:), try to buy from local markets and stuff like that. If that makes me a tree hugger... so be it. I'll own that one too :)

Feminist. Ah! When this was first thrown out at me I was upset cuz I don't see myself as a bra burning man hater, but now... I look at that word differently mainly due to some classes I'm taking this semester. If it weren't for feminist I wouldn't be voting, I wouldn't have the right to take birth control, I would not be able to serve my country in the military...just to name a few. I recently got involved with Girlfest and I'll be volunteering to help them out next month with some of their activities that bring awareness to stopping violence against women and also human trafficking. I posted that I was going to a Girlfest meeting and I got a "no comment" from a male friend. I enjoyed the meeting. The women were smart, passionate, educated, warm and friendly. There were a couple of guys at the meeting too. I don't hate men, I never will... I may get frustrated but I get frustrated with everyone ;) I am proud of my femininity. If I am viewed as a feminist for my beliefs and what I do, then I'll take it and own that too!

Even in therapy we talked about how we perceive and label things. Things, actions, feelings are only negative cuz we give them that label, that power. Something as simple as "I wasted $25 on some makeup the other day", was it really a waste? I could see it as: I tried something new, I wanted to do something to help me feel better about myself, and I wasn't ready to drive home from town so I went window shopping.

Our mind, body and spirit know what we need but we need to learn how to be aware of and trust that inner voice. Sometimes it tells us to do things we don't want to do (like go exercise) but when we do these things we do feel better. It may be out of our comfort zone but by challenging ourselves we become better. I had a friend who had a crap day the other day, took the day off of work and just was physically ill about life. Something needed him to take that day off, help his folks, and just be. There is purpose in all we do. Also, maybe his craptastic day wasn't so much a message for him but maybe for someone else. Sometimes the universe uses others to help you along.

For example
I've been working on this whole idea that I'm worthy of good things in life along with 6 other mantras I've been telling myself. When I saw the therapist today she asked how things were going. I mentioned the Aerosmith concert, that I started in the highest seat (there was no one sitting behind me cuz there was a wall) and due to a friend I ended up at stage level! I've been frustrated with my laptop and doing school work (I don't have word on it, it's old and heavy so I don't want to lug to school everyday) I was given a Acer Aspire for an early graduation gift :) I say early cuz I still got a semester or so to go. And, I've been taken in as a starving student and I get coffee and bagels paid for every now and then. I have yet to get in trouble for my parking thing, and so far I think I'm doing good in all my classes :D Therapist pointed out that I've opened myself up for things cuz I am worthy of good things in my life. If you believe in the positive and good things, then that is what is reflected back to you.

It may sound all spiritual, new wavey but think about it. When you are around happy people, don't they attract happiness and good things? It may be our perceptions to things, but isn't our perceptions our reality? And if we hold the key to our own happiness in our hands, our minds, our core... then why the hell would we want to attract negativity?

I keep going through waves of depression, but I'm determined not to go on meds. I'm doing the all natural gig with herbs and what not. After a few days of black clouded death mood (this was before I started the herbs), I saw therapist lady. I told her about my mood. She asked what do you do or did when these waves hit. I tell her I most likely stay in bed, avoid people at all cost, and just do nothing. She asked "so what's the purpose of that, what did you get out of it?". That stumped me for a second and then we talked it through. Usually when I have these massive waves I feel overwhelmed with stuff, I've been going non stop and haven't take time for myself.... these "waves" make me focus on myself, I don't do anything and during these times I do a lot of self reflecting. It's not all good stuff... this is depression so it's all negative BUT when I come through I'm usually aware of something that I wasn't before, and I can do something with that or not. Whenever I'm at a down point, and I'm mentally engaged with myself I usually have a few clarity moments.

Labels are bad... they put people, emotions, thoughts, everything into a box. Life is fluid... ups and downs, with growth and set backs, it's ever changing.

So... label me if you will, but tomorrow you'll have to do it again and again and again ;)

So.... Tired.....

School is going well but cuz of my drill weekend I've been driving to town everyday for the past 9 days! I still have 3 more days to go! UGH! That's 45 min to an hour one way :( I'm tired.
My classes are interesting and at times fun.
I had therapy today. Went in energized and feeling good, left feeling drained. It's tiring dissecting yourself and realizing things that you had buried. All in the name of recovery :P
This is short cuz... I'm tired but I felt like putting something out there.
Going to veg out and then pass out.

2 more classes today

Well, my other class yesterday is going to be good also. Not only do we get field trips but there are no quizzes or test in that class! So, it's going to be a good class. I talked to another student in the class cuz she went to Kenya for two weeks to work in an orphanage!!!! I'm going to get that website that she went threw to check it out. I have two classes today and it's my LONG day with a night class :( At least I get a late start and my first class doesn't start till 11:50 :)
Had another therapy session yesterday and it went good. I'm reprogramming my thought patterns from past scars and redoing my belief system. I've been wearing my stones and I do feel better and we talked about that a little. She said that sensitive people are open to their healing powers. No, I'm not sensitive in the boohoo sense but sensitive to all that's around, the vibes, etc. I'm going with it. Also, my male/female is out of whack. Which I've heard before and it didn't surprise me when she said it. My male side is strong, my survival skills are strong but the female side of me... a wee bit more subdued LOL So I'm working on embracing that sexuality in me. I am a goddess in my own right and I should embrace that and be grateful for what I have :)
Well I need to eat and get ready for school.