Low Census'd

I was low censused today, on this stormy rainy day.  When our patient count gets low, we don't need all the therapist to be there so we are low censused.  It's been awhile since this has happened and I've been getting a good amount of hours so this gives me a much needed down day home alone.  Being low censused is a mixed blessing...I get some free time in the middle of the week and it means that there is less military members in need, but then it means a low paycheck :( 

Yesterday I did some self disclosure.  I understand that in regards to therapy there are different feelings on if therapist should self disclose their own past struggles or not.  I once heard if you self disclose for therapeutic reasons, for the help of others, then things are good but if it's done for your own personal reason then it's not good.  It's not about you!  For me I go with my gut, by doing so I am genuine to what is going on to me and my feelings.

For the past week or so, I've been having the same group of guys in the chemical dependency groups and we've got our own little groove going.  A majority of them struggle with PTSD.  Yesterday the topic was guilt and shame, and at one point I felt their walls going up as in "she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, how hard it is" and I said that in group...that some people may be thinking those things and one of the guys said "get out of my head".  This same guy wears a DV shirt and I pointed it out and said I'm a part of that group not because I'm trolling but because I have a disability rating for PTSD for MST so I'm not talking out of my ass!  The vibe changed in the group and after the group I had an older Army guy come up to me and ask me about boundaries and what "it looks like" and in our conversation a light went off in him for what he's been doing :(  Another guy came up and thanked me for sharing and explained that he prefers my groups, even before my sharing, because how I talk to them and how I break things down.  Moments like that refuel my soul in regards to doing this job!
I really do love my job!

As for my other thing...I still haven't seen a doctor about my mammogram results.  I was referred for general surgery and I touched based with the doc I was referred to and she doesn't have an opening until 26 May :(  I called the Choice Program people back and told them that wasn't going to work and they are looking for a new provider so I can get a quicker appointment.  They have 5-7 business days to get back to me...ugh the wait sucks but I'm limited in what I can do so I just continue to be assertive and on top of them to ensure they don't "forget" about things :(

Rant ahead.....

I've gotten my first paycheck :)  It's official, I'm a working clinical therapist!  I seem to connect with the clients, and they seem to enjoy and "get" me when I so the psychoeducational groups.  The fact that I'm one of them on so many levels adds to my ability to relate to them.  I feel really humbled and blessed to have this opportunity to work with them.

Which brings to me to slight "rant".  Someone that I have cared for in the past has completely changed, viewing himself as a refugee from the drug war here in the U.S. and stating that he suffers from PTSD.  PTSD has become a sort of catch all at times and people easily state they have it.  Like with all diagnoses there is a criteria, people may meet one or even a couple of things required for the diagnosis but at the end of the day they will not be considered to have PTSD due to not meeting ALL criteria.  The thing that MUST occur to have PTSD is a trauma. 

From APA "Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. "

From dictionary.com 

"trauma

1

Pathology.

a body wound or shock produced by sudden physical injury, as from violence or accident.

the condition produced by this; traumatism.

2.

Psychiatry.

an experience that produces psychological injury or pain.

the psychological injury so caused.

Both of the definitions leave space for a lot of gray, in fact it's subjective so it can become hard to specify what is trauma.  Something traumatic to me could not be traumatic to the next person.  It' comes down to a person's interpretation and how they respond and react to a situation.

With my experience working with military members with combat experiences and court mandated clients who have street gang backgrounds many with physical and mental abuse, I also struggle with someone saying that have PTSD because they feel confined, constricted from government policies in regards to marijuana and participating in this "drug war in the U.S.". This person has apparently fought the U.S. government and DEA and states that he is a "drug war refugee".  This person is very smart and articulate so I am surprised by his use of the word refugee in such a casual way.  When I knew him he was passionate and an advocate for the Dali Lama, his exile from his home and now this same person is using similar words to describe his own struggles calling himself homeless but then states he his living with friends....  

My heart aches for those who seem to be lost and trying to find their way, I support people that are passionate for a cause and at times going against the norms of society but to ask others to support you, to beat a drum of oppression, makes me turn a deaf ear to your struggles.  This person is a good example of white privilege.  I hope he finds his way in this life....

Rant over!