Troubling path

It's been a couple of days since my appointment for my MRI results.  These past couple of days I spent working long hours so it was a blessing of sorts.  So I had my MRI, with contrast, on both breast the other week.  I was told the results would be sent to the provider that day but I knew I would need to give her a day or two to review them.  I got a call with an appointment for this Tuesday to get the results.  That in itself is always stress inducing but I am forcing myself to take the news as it comes and not get caught up in the "what ifs" or focusing on negatives.
My appointment was not the best, mainly because the appointment was scheduled for 2:15 and I didn't see the doctor until close to 6!  I shit you not!  If it wasn't my MRI results I would have walked out!  When she walked in she was apologetic and I explained I can understand how busy she is but if I would have gotten some "check ins" or updates from her staff I would have been a little less irritated about the wait.  She acknowledged this and went on...  So my right boob got cleared via the MRI, she'll get a re check via an ultrasound in 6 months.  The left is problematic and I will be getting a biopsy on lefty.  Not sure when that is happening but I'll be calling the office tomorrow to get an update.
Of course this progression is nerve racking but then I just check myself and remind myself that negative thoughts and "what ifs" are not beneficial and do not help but can actually harm.  I challenge myself to meet each situation as it is and look at what I can do so I can press forward.
Additionally I keep living my life and enjoying things... at the end of the month we are planning a trip to check out Tampa and this past weekend we bought our tickets to check out England, Ireland, and Scotland!!! I've already paid off my cruise for December :)  Good times ahead even if I have to get my boobs prodded and cut on! LOL

Crisis averted and societal norms

FINALLY had my follow up about my mammogram and the surgeon is going to request an MRI, no needles at this time :) Whoohoo!  The worst part of this was waiting to know something.  Even now I don't "know" anything but talking to someone about the results and they were able to reassure me that I don't have anything to worry about!

I've been doing errands, trying to take it easy on my days off this week.  I actually work 5 days in a row starting tomorrow! There was a contract that was advertised for Tyndall AFB that I've applied for.  It would be full time, Mon-Fri, with benefits. I enjoy where I am at now but being on Tyndall would get my foot in the door, stability, and weekends off!

So I've made an interesting observation the other day.  Joe had some stuff he needed to trade into Kay's jewlry store and he wanted me to pick out some stuff.  Joe and I are committed to each other and we like how things are without having people get into our business.  My work peeps are already making comments about weddings and what not *eye roll*.  I've been wearing a ring on my right hand the whole time we've been together as a symbol to me of my relationship with him.  He's asked me about rings and I told him if anything he can replace the one that I have now.  So after picking out some beautiful diamond earrings and having more money to play with, we picked out a ring together and I wear it on my right hand.  Now, one would think any new bling would be noticed but no.  If it's not on the left hand, that the "proper" finger then nothing is said LOL  Our society is so programmed that only certain things are important.  By the way, in Germany they wear their rings on the right hand :P  
I have three rows of diamonds, not one big one that stands out but a nice band and to make it even better it's a combination of two different sets so it's not something one goes into the store and they see.  It's simple but slightly unique, kinda like our relationship :P  It's nice to find ways to keep our relationship truly ours and close to our hearts without the drama that comes from other people's opinions on how things "should be".
I see so many post and what committed relationships should progress to....engagement, marriage... and everything is posted and these big things are done to "share the love with family".  At the end of the day the love and the relationships is between those two people, why is it so important to bring other people into that relationship.  We are together, we love each other, we are still individuals and our family can and does accept this part of our lives due to our happiness but all the hoopla and having everyone in our relationship.  
Nope, we are good!  

Low Census'd

I was low censused today, on this stormy rainy day.  When our patient count gets low, we don't need all the therapist to be there so we are low censused.  It's been awhile since this has happened and I've been getting a good amount of hours so this gives me a much needed down day home alone.  Being low censused is a mixed blessing...I get some free time in the middle of the week and it means that there is less military members in need, but then it means a low paycheck :( 

Yesterday I did some self disclosure.  I understand that in regards to therapy there are different feelings on if therapist should self disclose their own past struggles or not.  I once heard if you self disclose for therapeutic reasons, for the help of others, then things are good but if it's done for your own personal reason then it's not good.  It's not about you!  For me I go with my gut, by doing so I am genuine to what is going on to me and my feelings.

For the past week or so, I've been having the same group of guys in the chemical dependency groups and we've got our own little groove going.  A majority of them struggle with PTSD.  Yesterday the topic was guilt and shame, and at one point I felt their walls going up as in "she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, how hard it is" and I said that in group...that some people may be thinking those things and one of the guys said "get out of my head".  This same guy wears a DV shirt and I pointed it out and said I'm a part of that group not because I'm trolling but because I have a disability rating for PTSD for MST so I'm not talking out of my ass!  The vibe changed in the group and after the group I had an older Army guy come up to me and ask me about boundaries and what "it looks like" and in our conversation a light went off in him for what he's been doing :(  Another guy came up and thanked me for sharing and explained that he prefers my groups, even before my sharing, because how I talk to them and how I break things down.  Moments like that refuel my soul in regards to doing this job!
I really do love my job!

As for my other thing...I still haven't seen a doctor about my mammogram results.  I was referred for general surgery and I touched based with the doc I was referred to and she doesn't have an opening until 26 May :(  I called the Choice Program people back and told them that wasn't going to work and they are looking for a new provider so I can get a quicker appointment.  They have 5-7 business days to get back to me...ugh the wait sucks but I'm limited in what I can do so I just continue to be assertive and on top of them to ensure they don't "forget" about things :(

Work and the practice of not worrying....

I blog just to blog....not sure who randomly reads this and I don't give it much mind but it's a place for me to get stuff out there.  I use to be a big journaler but that has gone by the wayside and I tend to blog when I feel the journal urge.
Work is going well.  My hours fluctuate being PRN, I'm finding my therapy groove, getting use to coworkers (gotta have THAT one that you don't gel with....figured out who that is), and am being tested therapeutically with clients.
We had a young guy come in with severe OCD, he got trapped flushing his toilet for 7 hours at one time just to give a picture.  I am one of the "youngest" therapist on staff having graduated last year and guess who got him?! Yours truly!   I will say this kid is a hard worker and it has helped me out tremendously!  I have guided him, challenged him, and we are looking at discharging him this coming week :)  I can do this therapy thing! I still feel as if I'm "winging" it with some of the clients but it's working and they are getting better.  My "winging" it comes with education and some people knowledge so it's not a complete shot in the dark! LOL

As for the not worry aspect... I had a mammogram last week, and got a call back for more xrays.  The tech told me it's normal to get called back with the first one because they need to be able to compare images.  Well, not only did I have to get more pictures taken, I needed an ultrasound on both breast :( and now comes a needle biopsy.  This news was given to me three days ago.  Now I can freak the fuck out OR take it for what it is...more testing is needed as there is just enough chance of it being nothing as it being something.  Me getting into a funk, stressing, and putting my life on hold waiting for the next step is not going to change or fix anything.  So I wait for the call from the general surgeon to set up my biopsy appointment.  I am grateful that this was done now, I turn 40 in August and that's when I'd be due but the doc figured we'd just get it out of the way since I was getting an physical anyway.  When the nurse told me about the results, he asked some questions because "these things just don't spring up overnight".  I haven't had any "symptoms" and nothing was noticed during my annual exams.  I will admit I don't do regular self exams but knowing where the lumps are that are in question...I still can't find them when I look for them :(  I catch myself, well... my mind, starting to jump on the runaway train of worry but then I stop and breath.  I don't know anything for certain except I need more testing so we wait... I go to work and do what I can, focus on the now, and when the call comes I'll address things as they come.