A recent loss

"It's not if but when" that is what we heard during my MSW program in regards to a client who will commit suicide.  It's a sad thought but that is the business we are in.  That phrase comes to mind if not daily, weekly, as I work with soldiers who are struggling.  I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately, and I'll explain why in a minute, and today I realized even more that the odds are stacked against me in when someone I know, work with, or treat will be affected by suicide.  Not only am I working with depressed individuals but I also have chosen to work with military, active duty and veterans.  In addition to that, I am a veteran, so a majority of my friends, family, and acquaintances are military.  We all hear the news on what military/veteran suicides look like.
On a daily basis, I have to assess the risk of a client walking away and harming him/herself.  Working on the inpatient unit in Florida that risk was there but there were more ways to mitigate the risk.  Working at the VA and now on the Army base, my ability to mitigate the risk is extremely limited.

At the VA I worked with a young veteran that had severe PTSD, TBI, and medical problems which in itself is a struggle.  He also had a troublesome relationship resulting in a toxic cycle of doing well and then making an attempt on his life.  This cycle would last a month, so on average, every month (if we were lucky 2 months) this veteran attempted to take his life.  During my work with him I did therapy but also tried to get him into an inpatient facility, private and VA.  I got excuses and refusals!  He's not stable, medically or mentally, I would be told OR there would be a month or more long wait to be admitted.  This service member did not have that luxury.  The veteran had a serious attempt, and was put in the state psychiatric hospital.  Those stays are short with no real treatment, think padded room environment and medications.  Once notified of this I went to my supervisor so frustrated at the system and scared for this veteran that I was in tears.  My supervisor calmly looked at me and tried to comfort me, thinking I was upset that I did something wrong and it was my fault that he was admitted.  I quickly informed him my tears were not of sadness but that I was so pissed and frustrated that I've been trying for months, talking to him and others at work, for help and guidance on how to get this veteran admitted into a facility that would help him.  He seemed a little surprised but getting "emotional" got more people involved and I was able to find a private facility that would take him in.  This is one of many reasons I decided to leave the VA and find employment elsewhere.  Before I left the VA, he was still in inpatient and doing well.  I pray that he is still doing well.

At my current job I have seen a soldier for numerous weekly sessions, after they had worked with a different provider for a handful of sessions.   This service member has daily suicidal thoughts and with treatment, has not improved but has remained stable.  We had a conversation what stable meant, they thought it meant "doing well" I informed them that stable is no change so things can by shitty but be managed, "stable shitty".  I'm not going to go into details but the bottom line is that the Army is not a good fit for this individual.  Which is a part of my job.  I have two bosses when I'm meeting with a soldier, helping the soldier but also ensuring that the Army has a fit and ready soldier to accomplish the mission.  So it would be best for the service member's mental health to be discharged and that is in the works but it takes time.  
So here we are in the holiday season.  I meet with this person weekly and there is not enough spider senses going on and what is reported from the individual to push for an inpatient stay...this individual has already had one due to intense suicidal thoughts with intent.  After every weekend I call the inpatient unit and ask if any of our soldiers were admitted and every time I ask I hold my breath hoping it is not my soldier or any other soldier for that matter.

So, if this my normal life now as a social worker why the uptick in thinking about suicide?

I woke up the other morning and saw a post from a friend's wife that my friend, Jake, is no longer alive.  I was shocked.  I didn't know why.  There was no indication in the post.  I thought maybe he was ill and nothing was mentioned?  I worked with Jake while being a part of the reserve unit in Utah.  It's been years since we've actually interacted but we are Facebook friends so I've seen his family grow, promotions in the military, family vacations.... a happy active family doing their thing.  So I was confused.  At work I tried the google thing to see if anything would pop up, nothing.  A lot of people sharing condolences on FB but still no why.  I text a friend in the area and although she has lost touch with him also, from another friend it sounded like Jake died by suicide.  
I'm at work... my feelings of shock, concern, questioning turned back into shock and now despair at this news.  Again the questions? Why?  Tears came to my eyes, I lost my appetite, and I was at a loss.  
I'm at work and got soldiers to see, so like any military member, I tap into my military bearing and get back to work. In between appointments I talked to my supervisor about it and we touched base at the end of the day again but I find myself at a complete loss.  Then I came home and processed it some more with Joe.

This morning I woke up and looked at Jake's FB page and looked at his pictures. These are the same pictures that I noticed in the past while I scrolled through FB. Pictures of a happy family full of smiles and good times.  Then I really started to look, at the body language and the eyes...was there pain and sadness? or am I seeing something now that he is gone and I'm trying to rationalize why he would take his own life?  When it comes to death, we will never have an answer although our brain wants so badly to make sense of something that will never make sense, even if we had reason for it.

Most people don't post their pain and personal struggles on social media so how many of us scroll through pictures not really seeing them and just blindly hit "like" or "love"?  HOW MANY TIMES DO WE DO THIS IN REAL LIFE?!  We ask how someone is doing, we exchange pleasantries, but we DO NOT REALLY SEE OR LISTEN to that person.  
As a society we have become "ten second Tom's" in that things need to be quick.  We size up situations, we make hasty responses, we move on to the next thing, the next person, the next interaction.  

PLEASE slow down in your life.  Be present with the person you are with and truly engage with your life and with people.  Take the time to listen and follow your gut instinct that cries out that someone is not fine, when they say they are with a smile and a joke.  There is too much negativity in our world so we need to actually be there for one another, showing kindness, being vulnerable with each other in our pain and in our joy.  Not only do we need to be open to others but we need to be open TO others when we are in pain and need help.  How many of us go through life with a mask on, not being genuine with others... hoping that no one notices our own pain and struggles but wishing someone would care?

I only worked with Jake a few years, if that, before moving away but the world lost a gentle soul.  Jake was always there with a smile, he was dependable, smart, and so very caring and non-judgmental of others.  I hope that he now feels what everyone else saw in him, wherever he may be.  


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255.... press 1 if you're military

Low Census'd

I was low censused today, on this stormy rainy day.  When our patient count gets low, we don't need all the therapist to be there so we are low censused.  It's been awhile since this has happened and I've been getting a good amount of hours so this gives me a much needed down day home alone.  Being low censused is a mixed blessing...I get some free time in the middle of the week and it means that there is less military members in need, but then it means a low paycheck :( 

Yesterday I did some self disclosure.  I understand that in regards to therapy there are different feelings on if therapist should self disclose their own past struggles or not.  I once heard if you self disclose for therapeutic reasons, for the help of others, then things are good but if it's done for your own personal reason then it's not good.  It's not about you!  For me I go with my gut, by doing so I am genuine to what is going on to me and my feelings.

For the past week or so, I've been having the same group of guys in the chemical dependency groups and we've got our own little groove going.  A majority of them struggle with PTSD.  Yesterday the topic was guilt and shame, and at one point I felt their walls going up as in "she doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, how hard it is" and I said that in group...that some people may be thinking those things and one of the guys said "get out of my head".  This same guy wears a DV shirt and I pointed it out and said I'm a part of that group not because I'm trolling but because I have a disability rating for PTSD for MST so I'm not talking out of my ass!  The vibe changed in the group and after the group I had an older Army guy come up to me and ask me about boundaries and what "it looks like" and in our conversation a light went off in him for what he's been doing :(  Another guy came up and thanked me for sharing and explained that he prefers my groups, even before my sharing, because how I talk to them and how I break things down.  Moments like that refuel my soul in regards to doing this job!
I really do love my job!

As for my other thing...I still haven't seen a doctor about my mammogram results.  I was referred for general surgery and I touched based with the doc I was referred to and she doesn't have an opening until 26 May :(  I called the Choice Program people back and told them that wasn't going to work and they are looking for a new provider so I can get a quicker appointment.  They have 5-7 business days to get back to me...ugh the wait sucks but I'm limited in what I can do so I just continue to be assertive and on top of them to ensure they don't "forget" about things :(

Happy Girl

I'm starting to get my routine down here in sunny Florida!  Yep, it's early November and I'm still walking around in a tank top and shorts :)  I'm seeing post of friends and family talking about snow flurries already happening!  I'm blessed to be near the ocean and doubly blessed for the warm weather!

Work is calming down some.  Our census, aka patient count, has decreased so I feel that we can all breathe a little bit more.  I'm starting to figure out the paperwork and haven't been making too many mistakes ;) and I feel that the clients appreciate me and I am planting seeds of change in them.  
I had an older client, he was a veteran and not active duty (a majority of our clients are still active duty).  He had gone through the routine treatments for PTSD at his local VA but was still struggling.  I did his intake assessment but was not his individual therapist.  Knowing that he went through the normal VA treatments I let him borrow a couple of books.... "War and the Soul" and "Come to Your Senses".  He was a volunteer client (most are) and he checked himself out on a day I wasn't at work, he returned the books with this note:

I hope he does well in his future even though he left before he got any treatment from our facility.

I'm still trying to navigate getting an intern license here in Florida. I need a letter from the U of U and it's been a struggle to get that from them :(  Out of sight, out of mind.  I'll keep trying and I'll talk to my supervisor here in FL about maybe just getting my LCSW via Utah but here in Florida.  Ugh.... such problems, but at least here in Florida it doesn't matter if I have an intern license to do therapy :P  

I'm not getting the hours I'd like at work, the joys of being PRN but I am enjoying the days off to decompress from work.  The days are long, full of therapy, routine work politics/frustrations so having days off being home alone is good for my self-care!  Plus I'm getting back on that work out routine!  Well.... it's been two days but it's a roll for me LOL  We finished our 24 day challenge and I feel good.  We haven't done our measurements but I do notice that my pants are fitting better along with feeling better.  I'm stoked because I can now have my coffee :D  I missed it in the mornings.  

Overall I am grateful for my life and what I am able to do to help others!  

From the Gulf of Mexico to the Blue Ridge Mountains!

No rest for us!  I had a telephone interview a couple of weeks ago for a job in Panama City and they wanted me to come meet the team and see the facilities.  I got free time to spare so why not!  Joe was able to take the whole week off, he was taking Thursday and Friday off for our own little get away so it worked out well.

Darien, GA

It's about a 10 hr drive :(  We stopped in a cute little town in GA and then had lunch at a fun place in Tallahassee, FL.  We got to PC early evening so we could scope out some apartments that we wanted to look at after my job interviews.  I ended up having two!  Another place called me to set up an interview that day so I had a day packed and it was Joe's birthday!  He got to play interview chauffeur and scope out the area while I was getting questioned :P

First interview went o.k.  It was to be a Child Protective Investigator.  It is a state job and I would be investigating reports of child abuse.  I would have to pull call off and on, and drive up to 2 hours away.  One place in the region I would have to take a ferry to get to!  It would be a very taxing and mentally stressful job.  It would not be a boring job that is for sure!  One of the questions I asked was about how they support their workers to avoid burn out, they did report a heavy turn over rate and their "seasoned" person had been there 3 years!  I was told by one of the supervisors that they highly recommend that their workers take a week off ever couple of months for a reset and to "catch up on paperwork".  Ummm not a good selling point to me!  Knowing how I am in the work environment, I would work myself to the bone to do the best I could do!  Additionally, this job would not get me towards my LCSW which I want to get.  I would have to take additional work to get my therapy hours :(  I researched the pay average for MSWs in FL (they are lower than the national average) and the range is from $21-$31/hr, this job was $20 and some change :(.  They wanted me to come back after my other interview for the background check portion but....

Next interview was the follow up.  It's working with active duty and retired military in an in-patient setting...mainly PTSD and substance abuse.  The population I want to work with and it's therapy focused!  Only downside is that it's an PRN so it depends on the patient load how many days/hours I will get.  I was told during the interview at a minimum it would be 2-3 days.  This work environment would be a perfect fit for me for it's population and it's workers.  I spent a few hours there.  I sat through one of their team meetings where they staff clients and I got a good feel for how they operate.  I talked to some of the other MSWs and also the nursing staff and everyone enjoys the clientele and the work environment!  I walked away with a job offer for $23/hr :D  WOOT!  I start orientation on 5 October.  That gives us a couple of weeks to get settled in FL!  

After that interview we had a light snack, I changed, and we started apartment shopping. We had Joe's bday dinner on the water and it was wonderful and we were both in awe that this was going to be our new home!  Tuesday morning we checked out another apartment and then headed back to N.C. 

first FL sunset!

We took Wednesday as a reset day and then Thursday heading to the mountains of N.C.  Beautiful area and we both loved the city of Asheville!  It didn't feel like we were in N.C.!  The Biltmore is amazing and I recommend that to anyone in the area!  I'm fascinated with the Vanderbilts now!  

Biltmore

it use to be a dairy, holding 40 dairy cows...now it's a winery and we sure did enjoy the wine tasting!

Saturday we headed home and stopped at Chimney Rock.  The elevator was broken so we got an entrance discount since we had to climb 499 stairs to get to the top!  But it was worth it!

Chimney Rock

We have a garage sale to get ready for this weekend and then a short trip to Charleston for Labor Day Weekend!  Then the weekend of the 11th we are off to the Outer Banks and then we MOVE!  

It's a rainy day, the furkids are lazy and I need to get motivated! ugh  I need to sort through stuff to get rid of.  I kept some "winter" stuff because it does get chilly here in N.C. but now.... I  have to downsize even more!  Plus I have my work starting paperwork to fill out and send back to my new job!!!!!  Time for some income!  

Life is crazy, wonderful, and I plan to live it to the fullest!

Week of Emotions

On Sunday I "retired" from the military.  I put it in quotes because my official retirement date is 14 Aug, but I've met my time with the guard so I had my last day in uniform on Sunday.  I just went in for half a day and driving into work it hit me... I will not be wearing this uniform again, I will not be part of a military unit again, my time has ended.  It's so bitter sweet and I questioned if this is what I want to do.  I didn't have to retire, I could stay in longer!  The commander, whom I've never even talked to retained me for another year.
Turmoil of thoughts.  

I got into work and started bsing with folks and then it hit me, THIS is why I'm getting out now.  The politics of it all, the double standards, the lack of integrity, the lack of taking care of each other is a tidal wave of shit that I cannot stop.  My turmoil of "is this the right thing" was quickly replaced with a "yep, it is time for me to hang up the boots and call it a day on this part of my life".

I've met some wonderful people in the military. I've been blessed in my life with my opportunities.  I've been challenged and have grown with my time in the service and it has made me a better person.  There has been struggles, tears, and pain but that is life.  I can focus on that or I can focus on the good, where I'm at, and where I'm going!  Life is a journey that I am doing my best to enjoy!

On Wednesday I took my licensing exam to be a social worker.  I've been stressing about it. I spent the morning getting reviewing, or trying to review for the test... Tux had other plans.  I gave in to him, thinking if I didn't know the information that morning it wasn't going to sink in....

It's 170 questions and they give you 4 hours to take it!  I got there and they were serious about their test taking.  I had my palm scanned numerous times and it was used to "check in" and "check out", I also had my picture taken, couldn't take anything inside and could not wear my baseball cap into the testing area.  I thought the military was strict with their test taking rules.  I took my time, took a lot of deep breaths, and tried really hard not to second guess myself.  I took about three hours I suppose and like military computer test once you hit submit it gives you a pass/fail.  I held my breath, said a little payer, and submitted.  I FREAKN' PASSED!  I needed to have 99 questions correct and I got 122 :D WOOT!  I was so damn happy I had to contain my response in the testing center but once I stepped out I was a grinning fool and gave out a little "whoop".

NOW I feel done with school!  

My computer that has taken me through the last leg of this graduate degree...

Tomorrow, my parents and brother will be here and then I graduate with a freakn' master's degree!  Amazing!  Saturday is a graduation/retirement party and then I'm off to the next adventure! 

Life is crazy and I'm going to enjoy every moment of it that I can!

a year of change

     So there is a lot going on in 2015 for me.  I started out-processing the military today and will finish up in May.  I will be officially retired on 14 Aug 2015!  I am graduating with my MSW on 8 May 2015.  I am ending my internship at the Vet Center on 22 April...and then it's moving on to something new.

     Not only is there a lot of things coming up for me in the future, I have a lot of change and growth in the last few months.  I have grown as a person and now understand how selfish I have been in past relationships, that I was never all in.  No relationship can grow and be true if individuals are not focused on the "us" and are not all in.  Yes it's taken me almost 39 years to figure this out, and multiple broken hearts, but I finally feel like I'm in a good place....with me and the path that I'm on.

     I am open to the "what ifs" and the "why not" in life, I am going to have more yes than  no in my dialogue.  I don't want to look back on my life and regret not taking a chance or making a move so 2015 is going to a wonderful year of challenges and new experiences.  

     I have two more weeks of school... a lot of stuff to do and then I will be done.  Time to start a new chapter of my life!

Zombie skin, MSW Groove, City Living

So, yesterday I went to another derm doc in regards to the zombie skin.  I was given a patch test to determine what is causing my contact dermatitis.  Below is what it consist of:

That's not my personal back, but that is what it looks like.  I get to leave that loveliness on until Wednesday.  Needless to say, there is no showering or working out this week.  Ugh...  I have taking baby wipe baths, and utilizing some great deodorizing powder form Lush!  Great stuff!  Hopefully tomorrow I will have an idea of what is causing the zombie skin!  I've also been asked to soak my hands in vinegar once a day.  Fun week ahead!

I started my second year of my MSW program at the end of August and I just NOW feel like I have some sort of groove.  I don't feel like I have a handle on things, just a groove.  My practicum is going well, received my first client yesterday!  I've been helping here and there around the office, making power point presentations and flyers for outreach things.  Although I've been helping here and there I also squeeze in some school work time into my 20 hour/week requirement.  It breaks up some of the monotony that can happen.  I'm enjoying this work :)  I'm looking forward to getting paid for it!

So walking Sami this morning I had a thought.  I try to pay attention to Sami when we are walking, prior to moving to the city my biggest concern was her random determination to eat another's dog poop.  Now I have to be aware of random food being left around.  This morning there was a trail of McD's food.  There was a partially eaten cheeseburger, a drink cup, a empty bag, a pile of diarrhea with some napkins over it.  I thought it was a nice show of events when eating fast food :P  So, just another interesting thing to be aware of while living in the city!

Missing F'Book? Not so much....Zombie Skin ewww

I made it through 1 day and I sort of kept it to 30 min.  Not having F'Book on my phone is noticeable but at the same time it wasn't too bad.  Whenever there is down time at school, that seems to be everyone's first go to so it was different not to do that also.
Now the big struggle is at home when I'm suppose to be doing school work.  F'Book is great for procrastinating! But it's pointless procrastinating!  There are things to be hung up on walls still!  It will be a good attachment to break.

The other day we took Sami and Tux to the vet for just a routine check up. I wanted to establish care with the new vet before something came up and it was an issue.  Sami needs to get some dental work done.  She has a pretty good crack in one of her back important teeth so I need to get her in to get that done.  That's about $600!  I am telling myself if I don't get it done then when it becomes infected (which is a matter of time) then it will cost way more than $600.  Tux was good except he's overweight.  I do not want fat pets! It's just so unhealthy for them.  So, he needs to loose about 5 lbs.  We need to give him more exercise time too.

It's starting to get cooler here.  Taking Sami out in the  mornings is going to require more prep than just throwing on a t-shirt and scrub pants.  I'm not ready for winter but then I never am.

Yesterday before my classes I went to a presentation a fellow student gave on blindness.  It was interesting.  Just like a majority of disabilities it's not one or the other but there is a spectrum of blindness and depending on how/why you are blind will determine what/how you see.  This classmate is also hearing impaired.  He has the cutest lab assistance dog.  Sometimes in class the dog will start dreaming and will bark a little.  Too cute!

Classes were good.  Social Justice and Diversity.  We went from Citizens United and what that means to talk about Ferguson.  A very mentally stimulating day at school :)  Those are the days I like!  Politics and law has always gone over my head but I have 2 classes that focus on those things.  Today I have Social Work and the Law and it's taught by a very interesting Judge.  She spent a lot of time working in Juvenile Court and she has good stories that pertain to what we are learning about.

This week I'm getting back into working out.  Doing the PiYo thing.  Talk about an arm workout!  I should have the best guns ever after doing PiYo!  Some of the moves are hard and I can't really do them but over time I expect that to be different :D

In my quest to be healthy I got into the essential oils.  I enjoy them but I've had to take a "break" from them.  Since May I've had this eczema type skin issue on my hands and it comes and goes.  It flares up more than not.  The dermatologist told me to stop everything.  Ummm yeah THAT's doable.  I'm getting a skin test done in a couple of weeks. What it is, is tiny fluid filled bumps that eventually merge together to make bigger fluid filled areas on my hands.  Oh and it's the palm of my hands, which makes it oh so fun!  These blisters will dry up causing hard itchy skin on my hands which crack and sometimes get infected.  It's been fun!  The derm doc mentioned dyshidrosis and she hasn't seen it as bad as what I've had (she took pictures).  When I mention the essential oils she was like stop everything!  I'm stopped my vitamins (which I am slowly starting) due to me stopping everything and a month and a half later I'm still having issues.  Here is one of the outbreaks.  Currently it's on the palm of both hands but this will give you an idea....

During the first flare ups I did try EOs to see if it would help.  The itching was decreased but it didn't go away.  Went to the doc, was given a steroid cream... didn't work.  Went to another doc and was given and anti fungal/steroid cream and oral steroids.  Went away :D  then came back.  Back to the doc, given more steroid cream and a referral to a derm  doc.  Went through the same gambit of treatment.  Reading about dyshidrosis, yes oral steroids clear it up but it will just come back once the steroids are out of your system, and that is what was going on.  It's been fun.  Looking forward to the skin test to hopefully get some answers!  I'm slowly introducing things that I stopped.  Nothing that I stopped seemed to make a difference with my skin.

Back To School...

I'm two weeks in and I'm still looking for my "groove".  Currently I am doing my practicum/internship at the Vet Center on Monday and Tuesday from 7-6.  I'm going to be changing that schedule due to other things in my life.  I have two classes on Thursday and Friday, and a class that is online.  So currently I have Wednesday off for errands and homework.  Having that day off in the middle of the week is weird but nice.  Two days of work, one day off, two days of classes and then another two days off.  Nice schedule huh?  It's weird and I think it's one of the reasons why I'm struggle to find my "groove".
Currently Codi is living with us because on Monday he ships out to Marine boot camp.  It got moved forward because other people bowed out and no longer wanted to be a Marine.  Codi said these folks were paying attention to the news and the thought of shipping out to a war made them rethink their decisions to join.  Which is good, because the last thing the Marines need are people who have issues with being sent to war!
My classes are interesting.  My concentration is Forensics, apparently the therapist that work with court mandated clients or work in the criminal justice system are called "hug-a-thugs"  I thought that was cute :P  What surprised me is that Forensic Social Work is not really a "thing" just yet.  Even within our school it's been a struggle to be seen as a thing.  My one teacher had a domestic violence client come to the school so his class could watch a therapy session through a one way glass and he had to explain and fight for this with the Dean.  Apparently once the school found out that he was bringing in a DV client into the school all hell broke loose in regards to him "bringing in a violent criminal".  WOW!  Kinda takes away from what social work is founded on, helping those in need!  He eventually won his case and was allowed to bring that client in.
Another one of my classes is Law and Social Work and is taught by a Judge.  She's pretty interesting and I don't remember any of my Civics classes being so engaging!  Or maybe I just wasn't interested at the time :P
I'm also taking a class on ACT-Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.  I feel as though I'm going to be more of an empowering therapist and ACT is going to be a nice tool to have in my tool chest.
I haven't started seeing clients at the Vet Center yet :( Still waiting on computer access.  I am enjoying talking with one of the volunteers, he's an old Army helicopter pilot and he's interesting. I've sat in on a few therapy sessions with the other therapist.  There are two psychologist at the Vet Center and they are both pretty nice. I asked about what dictates a client see a psychologist as opposed to the LCSWs and I was told nothing.  At my last practicum the psychologist that would come in was not so cool, I never even formally met him and according to the other therapist he wasn't very user friendly.  So that's been a nice change.  I'm hoping when I show up on Monday I'll have computer access.  I'm going to be starting a support group for medics, we'll see how that pans out.  I think there are two groups that I need to run or work with while I'm doing my practicum.
My life is back to reading, homework, and work.  It's crazy to think that in April/May I'll be done and graduating with a Masters!  Go me :D

Two Weeks to Go!

     Only a couple of more weeks until my first year in the MSW program is over!  I cannot believe that I'm practically half way through the program.  I ended with my practicum the other week.  I was happy to end my time there.  It was a good experience but I was ready to be done.  Next year I'll be working at the Vet Center with combat vets.  I'm excited for the experience but I realize that it will probably be harder for me than this first year.  I had a few interviews for next year's practicum.  I interviewed at the prison, which would have been an amazing experience (but both Shane and my Dad were hoping it wouldn't pan out), the Vet Center, and the VA.  I never heard back from the prison but the Vet Center called me back the very next day after the interview!  I thought it was a great interview because they had a dog there!  I was able to sit there for the first half of the interview petting this sweet dog!  I think that should be a requirement for interviews ;)  The interview at the VA went well too, even though there was no dog.  They actually called me back and offered me a slot but I decided the Vet Center would be a better fit.  I struggled with the decision but after talking to some people that work at the VA, they even said I made a good decision!  The VA is so BIG, and the red tape.... I want to be able to learn and grow in this practicum.  I am worried about showing up, shadowing another therapist and then sent on my own way like I was this first year.  I feel that the Vet Center will be more intimate of a learning experience!  Plus the intern office had a window ;)
     During the summer I'll be working with my guard unit.  Our programs need work and I have an opportunity to get orders.  We are in a transition and we are bringing online a new inspection program so I'll be busy.  It will be good and the pay will be nice.  The practicum I just left offered a job and talked to me about working with them but the pay won't be nearly as much as doing orders!
     Shane and I have some big changes ahead of us!  Shane is retiring in June and around that same time we are moving downtown SLC.  I'll be close to next year's practicum and school.  We are excited.  We are close to the park where they do the big farmer's market and Shane's excited to be near Squatters :P  We have a lot of downsizing to do and get the house on the market.  Codi recently moved out, which was exciting for him but at the same time an adjustment.  





     

Back to school and work

I started my second semester of my MSW program yesterday.  It was a hybrid of the first day of school and something oddly familiar.  Familiar faces, a couple of new teachers, and some new students that I didn’t have classes with last semester.  Our first class consist of the whole cohort for lecture.  I have my usual seat in the back row.  I’m not a fan of being in the middle of all of those people or sitting in the front row with all those people behind me.  I like to make a clean get away if I need too because more times than not the teachers get going and we don’t get a break (I have some classes that are 3 hours long).  No bueno with the no breaks in the morning after my coffee… just saying.  Sitting in lecture before class, catching up with some people, two other classmates start talking about their grades.  One female was discussing how the teacher didn’t give her participation points so she emailed him and took her A- to a solid A giving her that 4.0.  These girls went on to say other students did the same thing, asking the teachers about participation points.  I sat and listened hoping they wouldn’t look to me and talk about grades, me with my wimpy 3.95 GPA. 

I thought I was going to get a B in one of my classes, so when I saw that I got all A’s with one A- I was stoked!  The thought to look at my grades, my point break down to ensure I got all my points possible didn’t even come to me.  Is that weird?

I started thinking after that grade encounter a little less of my GPA.  Then I realize the crappy ways we, as humans, are so critical of ourselves.  We are so quick to compare ourselves to others.  We are NOT others, we are who we are with our own strengths and personalities.  I am not them.  I had a good first semester.  I did the best that I could and I am happy with my 3.95 GPA!

I started back at my internship.  They were happy to have their free labor back.  As soon as I walked in I was bombarded.  I had two clients scheduled and a group to run, which I knew about prior to being at work, and I wanted to review the clients charts and get a topic for my group.  I was handed the payment book, then handed the phone message book and told who to call back, and then asked to warm up a client’s coffee.  Do I look like a freakn’ secretary?!  Ugh… I did most of what was asked but then settled in the back and started doing a little of what they asked and more of what I needed to be doing.  There was a mentor at this internship but she got a new job and left.  The good ones usually don’t stay where they are taken advantaged of and I don’t blame her for taking this new job.  Now, we are just unpaid labor with no real guidance.  I see clients and do my best to help them.  I tried talking to the other therapist to get some insight to how to best work with my clients and even run my group but usually don’t get much in response.  So I do my best and log my extra hours doing research. 

I met with a client for the first time in individual session on Monday, he’s been in my group so I’ve interacted with him before but I was surprised by our first session.  He spent most of the short time (he was late) talking about religion and spirituality.  He feels that due to God he has gotten clean and that he is tested daily.  When I spoke to one of the other therapist about this individual, their first response was to go to a personality disorder and asked if I gave him a mental health screening sheet?!  I said no and that I felt that he was struggling with who he is.  He stated in session he didn’t think he’d live this long and his goal was to make it in the gang life with drugs and girls.  Now he is clean, he has a legit job, his own place and seems to be floundering in life.  He has been raised by the state with his incarcerations and troubles with the law.  Anyone would struggle with who they are if they always identified with and had a criminal mind.  I do not see that as a personality disorder.  It has seemed to me that in this practicum the therapist, most of them (there is only 3 on staff), are quick to diagnose and label a client.  I have a problem with that, and I hope that I always will while I work in this field. 

Sometimes it is hard not to take things personal or be hurt if not part of the "fun" crowd.  Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me but then again.... I'm pretty happy who I am and where I am in life.  Unfortunately it is hard to relate to people my age because I'm not married and don't have kids, I can't really relate to people younger for obvious reasons.... this isn't to say I can't be comfortable and have an enjoyable time with these people there is just not that "friend connection".  So, I try not to take perceived snubs as personal and I just do what I need to do.  There are two younger girls that I spend some time with on the train down to school and I work with one during my practicum.  Yesterday the teacher brought in some chocolates and both of them didn't take one.  I asked if they wanted one and they were like "no we're getting married"  um.... in like 4 months AND both of these girls are skinny!  I don't get it.  

Anyhoo it's back to the books.

1/4th Done!

On Monday I took my last final.  All papers are turned in and I'm DONE for about 3 weeks!  I have this week at my internship and then I'm on break for 2 weeks :D

I CANNOT WAIT!

As of right now my grades are 5 A's and 1 B.  That's not the final but I'm not expected any crazy surprises!  I already got some of my books for next semester.  Thank you Amazon rental!  I've saved more money this semester already on books :D  

My practicum is always interesting, mainly because we are being thrown into the fire and given a lifeline after we have already started to burn.  I've learned and am practicing the Four Agreements and I've used those in my Substance Abuse Group that I run on Mondays.  The Four Agreements are a great tool to live a happier life.  By Don Miguel Ruiz, the Four Agreements are:

1) Be Impeccable With Your Word

2)  Don't Take Anything Personally

3)  Don't Make Assumptions

4)  Always Do Your Best

We've gone over one of the agreements in the group for the past four weeks.  Sometimes it's hard because it's an open group but having these focused topics have helped with the discussions so hopefully they are able to take some of these back home in their daily life with them.  It's a small book and if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it :D  

I'm still stumbling running groups but I feel that each time I am doing something better than before and the group discusses among themselves more.  Next semester we have a BIG book all about group psychotherapy so that is going to be really beneficial!  

For the holidays we are heading home to MO and OK to visit family.  We are flying so hopefully it will cut down on some of the stress and allow us more time with family.  Today (yep it's 17 Dec) I am going to try and get some Christmas shopping done :( ugh.  This is the only day that I plan on doing this.  I'm heading down to SLC because I have to return a school book so hopefully I'll find everything that I want to get!  One of the things that I am SO looking forward to being away with family is sleeping in without worrying about the animals, not having to get up to feed and take care of the animals, sleeping in, no responsibilities, reading whatever I want for pleasure, oh did I mention sleeping in ;)  I love my furry kids but sometimes..... oh wonderful sleep is needed!

I actually got a classmate interested in essential oils. Well, he was interested and said he was going to buy some via my website but so far he hasn't :(  I've been happy with them and during this season of cooties going around I feel that the On Guard has been really helpful.  I've been utilizing the On Guard EO on the bottom of my feet in the mornings with Balance, and then taking a On Guard capsule once sometimes twice a day if I feel something coming on and I've been using the On Guard toothpaste!  I'm so bringing these with me while we travel!  I need to maintain my health and my sanity!  

2 weeks to go!

I am almost done with the first semester of my MSW program!  It has gone by fast but at the same time... not fast enough.  I cannot wait for holiday break!  I need a BREAK from all the stuff that I've been trying to juggle.  We are going to go back home to see the parents for part of the week but I was adamant about having some down time at home so I can really relax!
I'm still enjoying the program, and I still feel that I've made a good choice for my next career path!  We had to pick our concentration for the second year.  I started off wanting mental health with the goal to do my second year internship at the VA.  I picked forensic social work and more than likely the internship will not be at the VA.  All the concentrations will prepare us to take the licensing exam and work at social workers so it made sense to pick something that interest me.
In my undergrad degree we discussed the legal system and it seems to have gone away from reforming people to just a business.  At my internship now I work with mainly court mandated clients and it frustrates me some of the things that I hear about the system.  Don't get me wrong, these people had done wrong and are accountable for these things but there is no guidance/support/education to where they don't end up back in the system until it's too late.  I have a class mate that works at a different area but the same type of clientele and she feels that helping these people are a waste of time because they don't want to be there and they don't want to change.  I disagree with her.  There is no excuse for their criminal behavior but from what I have gathered so far working with them, they have spent their lives with people not caring for them or not seeing them as humans... just criminals, people that are up to no good and that is all they are going to amount to...criminals.  That type of life would beat anyone down.  The last things these people need is yet another person to see them as less than human, to not see any potential in them, and just write them off.  Everyone deserves better than that.  I'd rather try and help these individuals and attempt to give them the tools to succeed.  If they choose to utilize them great, if not... I can only do so much.
I still want to help veterans, and with this background I feel that I will be better prepared to help veterans.  I will have tools for brief interventions to help people and lately there are increasing numbers of military members being caught up in the judicial system due to their PTSD, substance abuse, etc.  
This concentration will give me a good foundation to understand and navigate the judicial system which will help me guide those that need it.  
I'm looking forward to the second year of classes!

FALL BREAK!!!!!

WHOOHOO! It's fall break time!  To make it even better I don't have twenty million papers to write, well... nothing more than usually and then there are the two midterms.... still have my practicum....but I have a break from classes :D
It's been about a month since my last post and not much has gone on besides school, school work, maintaining the house, and my internship.  I'm still enjoying my classes.  They are pretty engaging and it seems so fast past.  When doing my undergraduate degree, even with a full class load, it didn't seem so much like I was drinking from a fire hose!  Then there is the internship.
I'm trying to apply my class work to my internship but we are still on the basic foundations of being a social worker, along with the DSM V which they are not using at my internship.  I just feel like I'm always on, always engaged with some aspect of this education.... this fall break = brain break!  
I had my first legit one on one with a client on Monday.  I'm not sure how it went, I thought it went o.k. but the "goal" of this meeting is to get a treatment plan for this person and they responded with the "I don't know" when asked about what they want to focus on.  It's not like they have nothing to focus on, she has a basket full of things that we can choose from.  One of the things they focus on in our class is that we start where the client is at, if the client is focus on being overwhelmed returning back to society then that's what we need to focus on... even though I think we need to focus on her numerous past trauma which has resulted in PTSD.  I will slowly take over the Substance Abuse group, well... not really slowly, the therapist ran the group this Monday, next Monday I'll run it while she sits in, and then the following Monday I fly solo!  ACK  This group really likes the current therapist so I have big shoes to fill, and there was at least 1 client in the group that was really vocal on his feelings on the change :(  Oh well.... it will be fine.  Some of my classmates have been seeing clients since they started, others have been utilized as secretaries so I feel that I'm somewhere in the middle in regards to the work I'm doing and that works for me.  Granted I still think it's a stretch that during our first  year we are already seeing clients!  We don't know what the hell is going on!  
I'm still struggling with feeling like I belong in regards to my classmates.  It's hard for me to relate and just recently, I feel like I was totally snubbed by this one girl.  It's hurt and it's frustrating that people still act like we are in high school but whatever.  I'm not at school to get the most popular girl award, but it still hurts either way.  
I signed up with the NASW.  It's cheap for students and I get discounts on training that they give so I figured it was a good thing to go ahead and start with :D

I did attended a training on the new DSM V, and it was interesting to look around and think "these people are going to be my colleagues"  :D

Halloween is around the corner and I haven't put up 1 decoration  yet :(  I have the stuff available but just haven't done anything yet!  That's another thing I need to do this week!  Shane and I did go costume shopping, we have a Combat Dining out to attend and it's a costume part too!  We are going as zombie bride and groom!  Should be fun!  

Well, I got laundry to attend to, studying to do, and I need to get something to eat!