Sliding into 2018 with sunshine and ice

Work is starting to pick up.  I have a schedule and am building a client load.  Slowly but surely things are moving forward at work.  I had a ego boost the other day...a client did an intake with another therapist and he called back requesting someone else due to she reminding him of his mom.  This therapist was worried I also would remind him of his mom because we look a like but we met and there was more too it and he will be staying with me for therapy.  Little silent victories that show me I am decent at my job.  As a therapist it is so important not to make snap judgments.  If you think about one's self, I am complex and things are never as straightforward as I may express...so why would I think a client in front of me is as simple in regards to their struggles?!  We are human beings and we do judge others, even therapist, but as a therapist part of our education is acknowledging what comes up for us but then letting it go so we may be open for our clients.  We can't help others if we are constrained by our own judgments and thoughts.

I have found that when I have a morning meditation it is helpful for me to be more present throughout the day. I go for days when I spend 10min a morning in a practice but things get hectic or I choose sleep over getting up in time to add that to my morning.  So I bought some journals to help me write stuff down.  Since receiving "The Sunrise Manifesto" I've been using it daily in the morning, at most it takes 5 and if I want to write more maybe 10 minutes out of my morning.  So the time is the same but with this journal I feel more productive in that action.  Every day is just 2 pages.  There are specific questions or comments to address on one page and the other page is for you to brain dump!  So far I'm loving it and am noticing the difference in my day to day.  The 10 minutes of guided meditation is good also, but this appears to be easier to maintain and keep doing!
We've been getting out and about on the weekends, mostly.  This past weekend we checked out the Anchorage Museum and it was awesome.  All the information about the native tribes was overwhelming!  They also had some fun exhibits for us to play around with so it was a good time getting out in the limited day light we have.

We bought tickets to go North to Fairbanks via the train!  We are exited about this!  Seeing more of AK and hopefully the Northern Lights while we are there!  More to come on that adventure.

not going to miss January

January has not been nice to me.  Prior to New Years I had a cough, a throat tickle that just lingered.  After the 1st it grew into a head cold that progressively got worse no matter what I did or medications I tried.  Around 14 Jan my teeth started to hurt with all of my sinus pressure so it was off to the urgent care to get some prescription meds.... oh and during this time is when I let Ms. Sami go :(  

With steroids and antibiotics on board my head cold started to clear up! YEAH!  I started to feel better to the point of that I starting to work out!  On the 18th I did some elliptical work and the next day did a PiYo workout.  I was on the upswing of a rough January and then it felt like I got hit by a Mac truck!  

I was sore, I knew I would be due to working out, but this was abnormal.  It progressively got worse on the 20th.  My whole body ached, my head was pounding, and I was running a slight fever.  I laid on the couch with a cool compress on my head and Joe asked "do we need to go to the ER", no.... let me make it through the night and see how I feel in the morning. He was concerned but respected what I said...and after I recovered he told me that I scared the shit out him that night :(  Thursday morning I woke up, still weak and in pain.  I slowly got up and when I looked in the mirror it looked as if I had a severe sunburn.  I had a solid rash from my neck down...I was having an allergic reaction to the medications.
I asked Joe to take me to the ER and off we went.  
Years ago I had a similar reaction to amoxicillin, so now I can add sulfa drugs to my "allergies" :(  I'm running out of drugs to utilize when I'm feeling sick :(
I'm on round two of steroids in one month and I'm not a fan. I'm grateful that they are clearing up my stuff, but I feel jittery and "off".  

In the midst of this crazy month for me my outlook and presence is still happy!  I have noticed it and I'm amazed with it.  This month has been a struggle, and there are things that I haven't listed here that are more of an emotional struggle with some family members, but my "practice" of being present, of being honest about my feelings and needs with Joe, being open to him when he does the same thing to me, accepting things, not judging or overanalyzing things, has given me a sense of contentment and peace that has lifted weight from my soul.  

My work is a place of fulfillment and frustrations, just like anyone's job, but I am grateful for this opportunity and I am finding my place in the workplace.  My initial job evaluation went well.  I have days where I feel I am doing well with my clients and other days where I feel that I'm missing the mark but I'm still growing, and always will, as a therapist.  I had a meeting with the Red Cross the other night which was good, was able to meet some of the other volunteers and get a better understanding of what will be expected whenever I get called out to a fire.  Joe and I were invited to meet with some of my coworkers for dinner this past weekend and it was nice to be invited and to see people outside of work :)  and yesterday I was invited to a Pampered Chef party.  Yes it's dorky but being new to a place, new people, it's hard to feel like you belong so it feels good that they feel like they can invite me now to functions outside of work!

Driving home yesterday after the sun was setting and driving over the bridge to the PCB side I smiled :)  I am blessed in this life and I hope I can share that with others!

Business of reality and struggles

As a social worker I expect to hear stories that make me question humanity.  Working with military I expect to hear the stories and struggles of war but yesterday I heard stories of the war that is going on here in the U.S.  We see it on the news, the fighting in the streets of cities and children being killed but it's (for most of us) not a part of our reality.  A client spoke of his childhood, at 13 years old he saw a "friend" shoot a man in the face over some money that was owed. They ran and this client never told his family and just dealt with seeing that trauma.  He didn't see his "friend" until he was older and it was scary for him and eventually this "friend" ended up in jail.  This client then went on to talk about all the murders that happened in his neighborhood, a kid was stabbed numerous times and help took 2 hours to show up because the area wasn't safe.  This is just one person's childhood in the U.S.  
We are living in a world where some people don't understand the finality of death, it's a way to handle a minor dispute. Then we have our soldiers coming back from war scarred and fractured because of the things they have had to do.  I find myself struggling to help them.  Life is hard I tell them, it sucks and it will beat you down, but they have the strength within them to persevere but THEY have to do it.  As a therapist I can give them all the tools that I can, we can talk about things, process them and get to a good place but THEY have to do the work and THEY have to maintain a practice to keep moving forward.  
A majority of the guys struggle with the "why" of life, they stumble around looking for hope for their future, they want answers and a reason for things.  I think they are surprised when I tell them more than likely they won't ever get an answer to their "why" that will satisfy their question. Why did a teenager shoot another person in the face over some money?  What answer could be given that could possibly put one's mind at ease for clarity and closure?  Any answer given will just produce more a string of Why?

I am a big pusher of being present and building one's awareness of self.  It's a struggle at times but it helps to keep one calm and reality centered.  Some people latch onto this practice, I have one client that is soaking it in like a sponge, but others still want answers, they want revenge, they have to understand..... the concept of just being able to control one's self is an absurd thought.  I will continue trying with these individuals, finding a place to meet them to allow them to let go of some of their toxic baggage.  We have a little under 20 clients on the unit now and I wish I could interact with each one and help them as much as I can but I don't have the capabilities or the time which in itself is a disservice to their care.

This past weekend I took Sami girl in for some shots.  The vet place I go to has a handful of veterinarians and each time I've gone Sami has met with a different one.  They all have been nice and good with their job but each one had a different view on Sami.  In Utah I noticed that Sami's hind legs were not working as well as they should.  She would get the Bambi legs on slippery floors and struggled to get them back under her. Over the months it has gotten slightly worse.  Before we moved to Florida I had her shaved and normally her coat will grow back rather fast, she is still looking shaved and it's been about 3 months.  She's had some skin issues and in N.C. the vet brought up cushing's.  I had some test done with neg results, oh, her liver enzymes are off too...  We get to FL and I do a test a Cushing's and to check her thyroid and everything checks out.  I'm thinking she's going to be 12 in 2016, she's getting old so all this stuff is par for the course.... 
This Saturday the vet brought up the possibility of degenerative myelopathy (DM).  She did some quick checks on Sami's back legs and based on her lack of reaction she feels as if it's a neurological issue and not something else. I looked up DM and a little over 50% of pem corgi's can suffer from this.  It is not painful but over time she will gradually loose function of her back legs.  The vet brought up the future use of a wheelchair.  Reading numerous websites they state the progression to be 6 months to a 1 year before the dog is a paraplegic.  If Sami does have DM and I recall seeing this start in Utah we are around 7 months into this progression. Needless to say I came home and cried.  Then I thought about the wheelchair thing, and my gut is a strong no!

I love Sami, she is such a blessing to me, but she is still a dog that deserves a good quality of life.  If she cannot walk and looses her independence what will that do to her spirit?  In this day and age we want to extend people's lives and our pets but at what cost?  I found a facebook page that is a support group for owners whose dogs have DM.  I see a lot of post of people who are struggling with their dogs, they have the carts for them, but this disease doesn't stop at their hind legs.  It progressively moves up their body where they loose control of their bowels, get increase UTIs due to issues and then eventually loose motion in their front legs.  Why would I want to keep Sami around when she can't move without dragging herself and then will be laying in her own waste until I clean her up and a lady post about trying to express her dog?!  Will Sami know what is going on with her?  I'm guessing not!  I am crying just typing this, knowing that I will have to put her to sleep.  I have been hoping that Sami would just go in her sleep with her old age :P  It's going to be hard...but I have more time with her.  She struggles but she is still very capable of making it around the small block in our apartment.  I have her on some meds for her other stuff and we'll keep pressing on until that day comes.  She's a trooper!

I had some other news this past weekend but am still processing it and am not at liberty to share what it is. Life is constantly changing and I'm trying to utilize my therapy guidance of not forcing answers, not looking for reasons I will never understand or be content with....

Back to school and work

I started my second semester of my MSW program yesterday.  It was a hybrid of the first day of school and something oddly familiar.  Familiar faces, a couple of new teachers, and some new students that I didn’t have classes with last semester.  Our first class consist of the whole cohort for lecture.  I have my usual seat in the back row.  I’m not a fan of being in the middle of all of those people or sitting in the front row with all those people behind me.  I like to make a clean get away if I need too because more times than not the teachers get going and we don’t get a break (I have some classes that are 3 hours long).  No bueno with the no breaks in the morning after my coffee… just saying.  Sitting in lecture before class, catching up with some people, two other classmates start talking about their grades.  One female was discussing how the teacher didn’t give her participation points so she emailed him and took her A- to a solid A giving her that 4.0.  These girls went on to say other students did the same thing, asking the teachers about participation points.  I sat and listened hoping they wouldn’t look to me and talk about grades, me with my wimpy 3.95 GPA. 

I thought I was going to get a B in one of my classes, so when I saw that I got all A’s with one A- I was stoked!  The thought to look at my grades, my point break down to ensure I got all my points possible didn’t even come to me.  Is that weird?

I started thinking after that grade encounter a little less of my GPA.  Then I realize the crappy ways we, as humans, are so critical of ourselves.  We are so quick to compare ourselves to others.  We are NOT others, we are who we are with our own strengths and personalities.  I am not them.  I had a good first semester.  I did the best that I could and I am happy with my 3.95 GPA!

I started back at my internship.  They were happy to have their free labor back.  As soon as I walked in I was bombarded.  I had two clients scheduled and a group to run, which I knew about prior to being at work, and I wanted to review the clients charts and get a topic for my group.  I was handed the payment book, then handed the phone message book and told who to call back, and then asked to warm up a client’s coffee.  Do I look like a freakn’ secretary?!  Ugh… I did most of what was asked but then settled in the back and started doing a little of what they asked and more of what I needed to be doing.  There was a mentor at this internship but she got a new job and left.  The good ones usually don’t stay where they are taken advantaged of and I don’t blame her for taking this new job.  Now, we are just unpaid labor with no real guidance.  I see clients and do my best to help them.  I tried talking to the other therapist to get some insight to how to best work with my clients and even run my group but usually don’t get much in response.  So I do my best and log my extra hours doing research. 

I met with a client for the first time in individual session on Monday, he’s been in my group so I’ve interacted with him before but I was surprised by our first session.  He spent most of the short time (he was late) talking about religion and spirituality.  He feels that due to God he has gotten clean and that he is tested daily.  When I spoke to one of the other therapist about this individual, their first response was to go to a personality disorder and asked if I gave him a mental health screening sheet?!  I said no and that I felt that he was struggling with who he is.  He stated in session he didn’t think he’d live this long and his goal was to make it in the gang life with drugs and girls.  Now he is clean, he has a legit job, his own place and seems to be floundering in life.  He has been raised by the state with his incarcerations and troubles with the law.  Anyone would struggle with who they are if they always identified with and had a criminal mind.  I do not see that as a personality disorder.  It has seemed to me that in this practicum the therapist, most of them (there is only 3 on staff), are quick to diagnose and label a client.  I have a problem with that, and I hope that I always will while I work in this field. 

Sometimes it is hard not to take things personal or be hurt if not part of the "fun" crowd.  Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me but then again.... I'm pretty happy who I am and where I am in life.  Unfortunately it is hard to relate to people my age because I'm not married and don't have kids, I can't really relate to people younger for obvious reasons.... this isn't to say I can't be comfortable and have an enjoyable time with these people there is just not that "friend connection".  So, I try not to take perceived snubs as personal and I just do what I need to do.  There are two younger girls that I spend some time with on the train down to school and I work with one during my practicum.  Yesterday the teacher brought in some chocolates and both of them didn't take one.  I asked if they wanted one and they were like "no we're getting married"  um.... in like 4 months AND both of these girls are skinny!  I don't get it.  

Anyhoo it's back to the books.

End of Week Three

I still feel as though I'm keeping my head above water.  I have yet to figure out a good balance between my personal life (up keep of house/laundry/relationship), school work, and my internship!  There is so much reading.  I'm writing a minimum of 1 paper a week and it's going to be bumped up to 2 a week here shortly, don't even ask me how many papers I'm reading on average!  I have 7 books for my 6 classes and a lot of teachers have you read articles/essays/watch movies/etc.  I'm enjoying most of my classes.  There is one that is torture to sit in, basically lecture style, but we have group assignments/presentations starting up soon so that should break that torture!  There is SO much to learn and I'm drinking from a fire hose!

My internship is no different.  I'm blessed in that the person I spend the most time with loves to teach, she is a fountain of knowledge and we have a lot of conversations on practicing Social Work.  There is so much and I want to do right by the clients that I will eventually have.  I'm still trying to figure out my foundation and I'm leaning toward the Humanistic foundation, big surprise right?!  I'm still learning about all the foundations out there, but that one speaks me to more than the others.  We will see where I will be once I start working with clients!  

Last weekend, Shane joined me for an evening lecture about "Atheist In Foxholes" given by the president of MAAF (Military Assoc. of Atheist and Freethinkers).  It was pretty interesting it was about bringing awareness that the military is not just your mainstream religions and that society puts out messages like it's unAmerican to be unChristian and what does that tell nonChristians serving in the military?  Military members can put Atheist on their dog tags but you cannot put Humanistic, it's not an option.  I asked if I could put Spiritual on my dog tags just a year or so ago and I was told I could put Atheist, well I'm not an Atheist so I just put something :(  People that are Atheist or Humanist don't have a venue for their belief to where they can talk with like minded people.  You can request a Wiccan service so why is there such a block on Atheist being able to meet with others to talk about their views?!  Pretty interesting stuff.  One statement that really stuck with me was when the speaker said something to the effect of: Evangelism is cultural suicide.  Think about that!

Shane is in MO right now for his niece's wedding.  I was suppose to go but with my internship and work it just wasn't good timing :(  I'm looking forward to pictures!  Being home alone this weekend has been relaxing and I've been able to get a lot done but I'm missing my man.  Sami has been limping pretty bad all weekend (been carrying her up and down the stairs).  She was out front and it seemed as if some boys were teasing her by riding their scooters in front of her.  By the time I got outside they were down the street and Sami was limping :(  It seems to be getting better but if she's still limping pretty bad then we'll be going to the vet tomorrow.  

I'm still using my essential oils.  I just put in my last big order, from now on it's going to be an oil here and an oil there.  With no real income coming in I need to keep and eye on that :(  I did buy their vitamins and I'm looking forward to try them out.  I've been doing pretty better on maintaining that part of my healthiness routine.  I was doing well with maintaining my T25 this week.  It's a new day, so I'm not going to focus on that!