Words matter and an Army challenge

A couple of weeks ago I brought up a concern I had at work.  I've had a good handful of soldiers come into my office for behavioral health intakes and some for individual therapy.  I've heard similar reports from some of the soldiers of how there are a lot of jokes about suicide.  A week ago, I'm not sure what was different, but after meeting with a soldier and hearing their frustrations about this I brought up my concerns to our team.

I inquired if other providers have heard similar stories and threw out some ideas to begin to change the dialogue.  One person, and I've heard this from others, seem to feel it was an uphill battle stating "it's the culture" and then made a comment about the Air Force not have issues like this.  I snapped that the AF has their stuff just like other branches but stating that "it's the culture" doesn't mean we cannot try to raise awareness and start some change.

Things that I have heard from my soldiers is they will sit around and joke about suicide to the point of having conversations on how they will do it.  A soldier reached out not knowing what they should of done when a friend posted suicidal thoughts on social media.  This person was met with jokes, comments of "if they don't do it they are a pussy" and "they just want attention".  I imagined young soldiers having this conversation but NCOs were a part of it!  The ones that are charged with the responsibility of mentoring and leading!  My blood boiled at this.

Having been in the medical field close to my whole working life I am well versed in off color jokes and making serious situations light by jokes and sarcasm.  But suicide have been off the table for me, it's never been a joke.

When I brought this up to our team, another provider spoke up and stated that she's done training with one of her sections.  She has a training/outline for this already and she reported that she got great feedback when she did this.  She did a few separate pow wows, having a different presentation/training/talk with senior leadership, the mid level leaders, and the lowest rung of soldiers and each presentation was adapted to that group!  It was more of a dialogue and as she stated she wanted to educate them on how WE think as mental health professionals.  Why hasn't this been expanding outside of her units?!  
I don't know but one hold up that is coming to light are commanders that are not seeing mental health as a priority of their soldiers.  THAT is the big fight.

I am learning more and more about how the Army works, it's not making any sense to me but with more understanding it allows me to work differently.  For example in the AF when you say commander you are usually talking about a Maj or LtCol, or higher.  These individuals have a decent amount of time in service, some age on them, and should have a broader perspective on things...don't get me wrong I've been exposed to my share of incompetent AF commanders.  In the Army a commander is usually a CPT and I recently met with one in my office.  

Up until this week, in my mind, I kept thinking Army commander = AF commander.  A switch went off this week.  I had this AR CPT who just ended their command, AT 26 YEARS OLD!  Educated with a degree (most often that does not have classes on leadership or management of people) and a crash course in Army life/training. These young adults are in charge of other young adults to the point of ruining one's career, kicking them out, all levels of discipline!  So when when get a new commander and then one of their soldiers are suicidal, have to go inpatient, these young adults are either freaked out trying to figure out what they can do to help or they totally separate from the issue.  As I recently heard from a commander, "if they can't soldier they are useless to me".  

My mind shift went from Oh shit I have to call the commander to I have to call this commander and mentor him/her on how best to help this soldier.  I recently had a commander ask me "what do you think I should do" in regards to letting a soldier go on leave "even though he's failed a PT test".  I acknowledged his situation of having to think of the group as a whole, if he lets one person go under disciplinary action how that would reflect on others unable to go, but I also mentioned to take this soldier's whole story into account.... how has his performance been up until this failed PT test? is this a regular thing for him?  if he's been a stellar soldier up until this incident I, as a mental health profession, recommended he be allowed to go home for the holidays for his mental health.  This information was acknowledged and the soldier was able to go home!

I am older than these commanders by 20 years at time, more time in the military, and then life experience!  What a mind screw that is?!  Apparently I'm a professional and I may even be considered an adult.  When did this happen because I don't feel it at all?!  But with this "ah ha" moment.... I now have a different perspective on how to interact with Army commanders to where I can do the best that I can to help both the commander and the solider.

And one of my task to to help change how people talk about suicide.  I know I work with the soldiers that are pretty rough around the edges with their jobs and being airborne but that does not mean they are unable to change!  I may not make a huge change but if I can get a few people to thinking about things differently and hopefully start using their voice to start a ripple of change.  Anything is possible.

Been busy and late on post...

Chilln' in our new digs!

Well, Joe and I have moved into our new digs.  A studio apartment that is furnished.  Yep, we’ve gotten rid of all of our furniture and downsized all that extra stuff that you don’t realize is accumulating in drawers, closets, and bins!  Granted we still have stuff to get rid of, and we are going to do quarterly sweeps of our stuff.  So every few months we are going to go through our bins, Tupperware, and kitchen stuff and get rid of things we have not used.  Currently I am doing the hanger swap from those plastic hangers to some thinner ones, if I still have items on plastic hangers after so long then that clothing will be donated!  

We have been in our new studio for almost a month now and we are doing well.  People are always shocked when we tell them of the small space we are now living in and what our future plans are. We’ve heard “well, you really got to like the person” um duh and we do.  Joe and I can occupy the same space and still be focused on individual things.  Yesterday was a prime example…

Sunday’s usually are not my best day…. I get the Sunday funk pretty bad and now that we are getting into darker days and gloomy winter weather, well it’s not a good combo for my depressed tendencies.  Some Sunday’s I’m good and I feel o.k. but yesterday was a struggle.  I did manage to shower *high five* but that was the extent of my movement, oh I did wash and put away laundry *high five* but the rest of the day, ALL of Sunday, I was on the internet.  I attempted to read but that lasted 5 minutes.  As a social worker, I know this type of activity is not healthy but as I tell my folks as long as you don’t build a house in that funk it’s o.k. to have a day or two.    Joe also has his Sunday funk and like me, sometimes it’s worse than others. He had a decent Sunday, he even worked out!  He spent most of his internet browsing in a more productive fashion by doing research. I felt bad for being a lazy butt but Joe in our relationship fashion, was not judgmental, did not force anything on me, and just gave me my space to do absolutely nothing and not feel totally bad about it.  This all went down in a studio apartment all day.  Even when we have our moods/funks/etc. we are able to not feed into it, make it worse, or feel weird about it!  How amazing is that?!

New place has a fire pit!

Now it’s Monday, work is typical Monday with a dash of crazy due to the first snow of the season and not a lot of people at work.  But I’m good. The funk of Sunday has not lingered and I’m feeling motivated to be productive.  

We haven’t been overly busy this past month getting settled into our new place, but looking back on some pictures I’ve taken we’ve been busy enough!  

After Mom's visit, and my last post, we had the awesome experience of driving into Denali park.  You can only drive so far in your own vehicle, with a pass, but at the end of the season and to give back to military they give a certain number of passes and there is also a raffle.  If you win, you get to drive as far as the road takes you.  Our neighbors had a pass and invited us along and it was amazing. Of course pictures cannot really do the beauty of this state justice.  We were blessed with a clear day but that also appeared to keep a lot of the critters away.  We did see a few bears, some elk, and a fox...along with the butt of a moose walking back into the tree line :)

Denali

Tourist in our back yard!

The weekend we moved into our new place Joe noticed there was some motorcycle travelers from Chile stranded on one of the many social media groups we follow. Since we were pretty much moved, just needed to organize and get situated, Joe took off to go pick them up and give them a ride into town.  We ended up having a couple of meals with them and picked their brain on their travels.  Awesome experience!  Joe got to spend more time with them due to not working during that time. Since then he has scored a state job that he is enjoying better than his other two jobs.  It's more of an office work gig, he's a program manager, and he gets to interact and talk with A LOT of people with the overall goal to get Veterans back to work.  

New traveling friends!

I can't believe 2018 is almost over! Before we know it we will be in 2019!!!  I believe I've found a work out that fits my needs and I'll actually stick with!  Pure Barre is a low impact high intensity workout and I've been able to go 3 times a week for a month now!  I cannot recall when that has happened LOL.  What I like it is low impact, you really work your muscles but I need to start adding more cardio somewhere.... the place I go is supportive and the little changes in the routine stop me from getting bored with the workouts.  Good music and the workouts go by quick so I don't find myself always looking at the clock.  The first week that I went they had a wine down Wednesday, yep they had wine for people!!!! So yeah, best workout place ever!  Nothing like a little treat for working out :)

Headache and Self Care

Today is Tuesday and tomorrow I am taking a mental health day for which I am grateful for due to having a splitting headache for the better part of the day :(
Since the New Year we've been working and doing our thing.  We've had a few date nights enjoying the local area.  We've been busy but not terribly busy.  We enjoy the weekends that are never long enough but we do what we can!

A quick weekend away is scheduled for next weekend...a music festival with beer of course :P. It should be a good time to get away from here for a little staycation near by! 
Joe is enjoying his new job and adapting to the civilian way of work having to have had to hire and fire someone in about a couple of weeks of starting and is in the midst of hiring two more people.  Although I am working in a civilian function for the government there are tons of similarities between my work environment and being military.  Which adds to my work stress.

Work is full of typical work stressors along with the stressors that come with this type of work.  The balance of meeting the client where they are at but also aiding them in finding their motivation to move forward.  
The work of acknowledging that I will not always be the person that will help them forward and to be accepting of that.  I am human also and sometimes there is not that therapeutic connection that is needed for someone to be vulnerable to fully engage in therapy.  Some days it's a struggle to fully believe that and not beat myself up for not meeting my high expectations or expectations that I think others have for me.

My work is fulfilling, draining, amazing, and frustrating all in one day.  I get home and I'm mentally stressed and exhausted.  It's important for me to be tuned into my self and also make myself a priority...thus my mental health day tomorrow and my goal for taking at least one day a month off!
I'm so looking forward to unplugging tomorrow!

Sliding into 2018 with sunshine and ice

Work is starting to pick up.  I have a schedule and am building a client load.  Slowly but surely things are moving forward at work.  I had a ego boost the other day...a client did an intake with another therapist and he called back requesting someone else due to she reminding him of his mom.  This therapist was worried I also would remind him of his mom because we look a like but we met and there was more too it and he will be staying with me for therapy.  Little silent victories that show me I am decent at my job.  As a therapist it is so important not to make snap judgments.  If you think about one's self, I am complex and things are never as straightforward as I may express...so why would I think a client in front of me is as simple in regards to their struggles?!  We are human beings and we do judge others, even therapist, but as a therapist part of our education is acknowledging what comes up for us but then letting it go so we may be open for our clients.  We can't help others if we are constrained by our own judgments and thoughts.

I have found that when I have a morning meditation it is helpful for me to be more present throughout the day. I go for days when I spend 10min a morning in a practice but things get hectic or I choose sleep over getting up in time to add that to my morning.  So I bought some journals to help me write stuff down.  Since receiving "The Sunrise Manifesto" I've been using it daily in the morning, at most it takes 5 and if I want to write more maybe 10 minutes out of my morning.  So the time is the same but with this journal I feel more productive in that action.  Every day is just 2 pages.  There are specific questions or comments to address on one page and the other page is for you to brain dump!  So far I'm loving it and am noticing the difference in my day to day.  The 10 minutes of guided meditation is good also, but this appears to be easier to maintain and keep doing!
We've been getting out and about on the weekends, mostly.  This past weekend we checked out the Anchorage Museum and it was awesome.  All the information about the native tribes was overwhelming!  They also had some fun exhibits for us to play around with so it was a good time getting out in the limited day light we have.

We bought tickets to go North to Fairbanks via the train!  We are exited about this!  Seeing more of AK and hopefully the Northern Lights while we are there!  More to come on that adventure.

Health & Fitness

So, I didn't get to the gym on Monday :(. We all know that Monday sets the stage for your week right?!  Well, it's Tuesday and I've been going non-stop.  Woke up, had a Spark, a meal bar, and headed over to the gym.  I'm proud of myself for doing as much as I did!

When we had our "eval" the guy stated that walking on the treadmill at an incline is fine for what I want to do.  So 30 minutes, a face pace, and a decent incline!  BOOM!  I then went over to their "quick workout" area which is their weight machines.  They say if you do all of the machines you get a full body workout!  So there I went.  I was grateful that the gym wasn't busy when I got there and there were just a few people on the machines with me.  I worked my way all the way around, doing three sets of the weights.  I think I'm going to be a tad sore tomorrow.  I didn't go crazy with the weight but enough for me to be struggling by the time I was on my last rep!  I didn't time myself :(. I'll need to do that next time. The plan is at least 4 times a week, 4 days of cardio and three of those days do the weights.  I'll probably have to throw in a workout class to mix it up during the week!

Joe is currently at the gym so we are getting to it!  

I bought a crock pot the other day since Blue Apron doesn't deliver to Alaska (it's a bit of a sore spot for us).  So I planned for a few dinners for the rest of the week and all of those we will probably have left overs so that will be good to decrease the amount of times we eat out.

Did some more grocery shopping today and it was nice and empty at the store that was great!  I was in a checkout line behind a couple of older ladies, one with her checkbook, and the cashier was nice and chatty with both of them.  I get up there and she seemed to not want to be bothered with chit chat?!  I was pleasant but once I got the vibe I kept quiet and just waited.  When the bagger showed up from helping checkbook lady out to her car, the cashier was joking and chatty with him.  I dunno but it's definitely one of those things that I have talked about in my psycho-educational groups.

So often we are prisoners of our own minds and making assumptions of others.  It is easy for me to make an assumption about this lady that was directed at me: she doesn't like my reusable bags, I look too young to be shopping in the middle of the day...must be a stay at home wife, maybe I gave her a look without realizing it, she wasn't happy that I was talking to the older gentleman behind me in line...   I could easily internalize her mood and make it personal and all about me.  That's what we normally do.  Things that I tell clients all the time: don't take it personal, stop the assumptions, and if someone has an "issue" with you then they can say something if they don't then it's not important enough to waste your time/energy on it.  

I noted her change in demeanor towards me compared to other individuals, thought about some possibilities to "why" but those thoughts were fleeting and I didn't hold on to any one "story" that would impact my life.  I found the whole thing interesting and peculiar and even mentioned it to Joe but that was the extent of my energy and time given to it.  I've defiantly had days and moments when I was not able to let go of things and my whole day was ruined!  I am finally keeping my power and not giving it to others!  

All the moving boxes are GONE and we have two boxes full of give away/donations.  Next step is hanging stuff on the walls :). 

Bit by bit, more and more this is feeling like our new home!

Pain and Stuff

There is a gym pretty much across the street from our place, The Alaska Club.  We checked it out and it's one of their bigger sites with an indoor pool, tennis courts, etc.  We thought they had the basics we wanted in a gym and even more so we signed up.  With that sign up we got to meet with an trainer to do an initial assessment which we did on Monday.  I'm STILL not walking normally and it' Thursday!  The guy, Roman, talked us about our goals and gave us some education.  He also put our information into a computer and gave us our "current age" based on our health.  I am at 48 :( it's not terrible but I knew I had work to do!  He did our BMI and all that fun stuff and again, I'm not in a crazy unhealthy zone but I got a few pounds to loose to get back to feeling healthy.  After all that fun stuff he took us not he floor and walked us through some exercises, just three of them and we are both waddling around like 90 year olds.  He started us on a machine for squats, he didn't add any weight to mine but the bar itself weighs 105lbs!  We warmed up and then two sets of 10.  I was hurting.  Then we did bench presses, again I was just using the weight of the bar and that was enough but I managed to do more than I thought I could.  Then we did dead lifts with the kettle bells.  He tried to sell us the personal trainer thing and we told him we'd keep it in mind.  
The weights and machines are upstairs.  The first step I took down stairs I thought my legs were going to buckle under me and I was going to fall down stairs!  Have I mentioned we are on the top floor of our condo place?!  UGH. 
We ended up meeting Adam and Michelle for dinner and I was managing the discomfort and it wasn't too bad.  The next day OMG!  I was sore BUT we found out that our household goods would be delivered on Wednesday so we were stoked about that.  It was a low key day for me and Joe did some errands and shopping for new tires on his truck.  I managed the stairs slowly and with a firm grip on the railing.
Wednesday, we get our stuff!  I'm STILL in pain but I popped some Excedrin and pressed on.  Alaska continues to impress us.  We both have moved numerous times and dealing with moving companies we get "we will be there between 8-5" and there is a lot of waiting involved.  These guys were calling us probably around 8:30!  We both drank what we could of our coffee, I ran to the store to pick up bottle water and donuts for the movers, and when I returned they were already there! The two guys were efficient and quick!  They had unloaded us by 2 I believe!  Now we are living in an apartment with boxes and chaos but we're happy! 
With this delivery it gives us ample time to get settled before I start work. Tux is happy he has the couch back and we're happy he isn't sleeping with us all night!
We downsized before coming here and we lost a little bit of room in comparing the two places but we lost a lot of space in our kitchen :(. So more downsizing is in order!  I tend to downsize better when unpacking.  I'm looking at stuff, not finding a place for it and ask "when did I actually use this last?"  and if I have to struggle to think of an answer... it's gone/donated/sold!  We are staying busy that's for sure!
One thing that I have been and am concerned about here in Alaska is my depression.  I already have a vitamin D deficiency that I take supplements for and here I am moving to a state that has months of limited sunshine!  Right now the sun doesn't actually poke out over the mountains till around 8:30/9!  I've been taking my supplements religiously (need to take them today) but I also bought some things to help out.  In our bedroom I bought one of the alarm clocks that wakes you up by mimicking natural light.  Not only is it a gentler way to wake up but it will aid me in getting in a positive gear in the morning.  I then bought a light box to sit in front of in the mornings when I'm having my coffee and breakfast.  The thing is BRIGHT and we've used it a couple of mornings so far.  I didn't use it this morning because it's a lazy day, Joe is still in bed hangover, and we all need a cozy low key day.  I haven't seen the sun yet (it's 10:53am) and looking outside it's grey, mist over the mountains, and low clouds.  I've been nursing my coffee all morning but I got a massage scheduled at 2 that I'm looking forward to with my sore legs! In addition to those lights the gym has tanning beds.  So I'm going to incorporate regular tanning to my "to do" activities to keep my sanity during the winter months!
I ordered a work out notebook so I can schedule and plan my weeks.  I know it will be important for me to stay on task with my workouts, tanning, vitamins, etc. to avoid a depression or resurgence of my PTSD symptoms.  I feel that I have been managing these things well but here in Alaska, I think that I have to be more aggressive with my self care for my mental health.
We will see how everything works out.