Words matter and an Army challenge

A couple of weeks ago I brought up a concern I had at work.  I've had a good handful of soldiers come into my office for behavioral health intakes and some for individual therapy.  I've heard similar reports from some of the soldiers of how there are a lot of jokes about suicide.  A week ago, I'm not sure what was different, but after meeting with a soldier and hearing their frustrations about this I brought up my concerns to our team.

I inquired if other providers have heard similar stories and threw out some ideas to begin to change the dialogue.  One person, and I've heard this from others, seem to feel it was an uphill battle stating "it's the culture" and then made a comment about the Air Force not have issues like this.  I snapped that the AF has their stuff just like other branches but stating that "it's the culture" doesn't mean we cannot try to raise awareness and start some change.

Things that I have heard from my soldiers is they will sit around and joke about suicide to the point of having conversations on how they will do it.  A soldier reached out not knowing what they should of done when a friend posted suicidal thoughts on social media.  This person was met with jokes, comments of "if they don't do it they are a pussy" and "they just want attention".  I imagined young soldiers having this conversation but NCOs were a part of it!  The ones that are charged with the responsibility of mentoring and leading!  My blood boiled at this.

Having been in the medical field close to my whole working life I am well versed in off color jokes and making serious situations light by jokes and sarcasm.  But suicide have been off the table for me, it's never been a joke.

When I brought this up to our team, another provider spoke up and stated that she's done training with one of her sections.  She has a training/outline for this already and she reported that she got great feedback when she did this.  She did a few separate pow wows, having a different presentation/training/talk with senior leadership, the mid level leaders, and the lowest rung of soldiers and each presentation was adapted to that group!  It was more of a dialogue and as she stated she wanted to educate them on how WE think as mental health professionals.  Why hasn't this been expanding outside of her units?!  
I don't know but one hold up that is coming to light are commanders that are not seeing mental health as a priority of their soldiers.  THAT is the big fight.

I am learning more and more about how the Army works, it's not making any sense to me but with more understanding it allows me to work differently.  For example in the AF when you say commander you are usually talking about a Maj or LtCol, or higher.  These individuals have a decent amount of time in service, some age on them, and should have a broader perspective on things...don't get me wrong I've been exposed to my share of incompetent AF commanders.  In the Army a commander is usually a CPT and I recently met with one in my office.  

Up until this week, in my mind, I kept thinking Army commander = AF commander.  A switch went off this week.  I had this AR CPT who just ended their command, AT 26 YEARS OLD!  Educated with a degree (most often that does not have classes on leadership or management of people) and a crash course in Army life/training. These young adults are in charge of other young adults to the point of ruining one's career, kicking them out, all levels of discipline!  So when when get a new commander and then one of their soldiers are suicidal, have to go inpatient, these young adults are either freaked out trying to figure out what they can do to help or they totally separate from the issue.  As I recently heard from a commander, "if they can't soldier they are useless to me".  

My mind shift went from Oh shit I have to call the commander to I have to call this commander and mentor him/her on how best to help this soldier.  I recently had a commander ask me "what do you think I should do" in regards to letting a soldier go on leave "even though he's failed a PT test".  I acknowledged his situation of having to think of the group as a whole, if he lets one person go under disciplinary action how that would reflect on others unable to go, but I also mentioned to take this soldier's whole story into account.... how has his performance been up until this failed PT test? is this a regular thing for him?  if he's been a stellar soldier up until this incident I, as a mental health profession, recommended he be allowed to go home for the holidays for his mental health.  This information was acknowledged and the soldier was able to go home!

I am older than these commanders by 20 years at time, more time in the military, and then life experience!  What a mind screw that is?!  Apparently I'm a professional and I may even be considered an adult.  When did this happen because I don't feel it at all?!  But with this "ah ha" moment.... I now have a different perspective on how to interact with Army commanders to where I can do the best that I can to help both the commander and the solider.

And one of my task to to help change how people talk about suicide.  I know I work with the soldiers that are pretty rough around the edges with their jobs and being airborne but that does not mean they are unable to change!  I may not make a huge change but if I can get a few people to thinking about things differently and hopefully start using their voice to start a ripple of change.  Anything is possible.

Kicking tires to find a good fit

In a few years we plan on being part of the Overlanding community, making our way down to the most southern part of S.America!  We are in the planning/research phase.  It's amazing how many people are doing it.
Things we are focusing on right now:
-downsizing...actually get rid of everything
-narrowing down the vehicle we want to move forward with
-do little camping trips here and there with Stevie
-save money
-get rid of debt
-find a travel handle :)

us doing research in Florida!

We have some friends that are well on their way and they have been inspirational for us. They are getting their rig together as I type this and should be on their way later this year.

Things and rigs we have talked about:

-truck campers: pop up

-pop up roof tents

-vans

-what are have to have items are

We've done lots and lots of reading online, Joe more than me :P. Yesterday we looked at some truck campers to get a feel for the size and to just stand in a few.  We tend to be "feel" people.  We can justify a lot just looking at pictures or floor plans but we have to see it!

not too bad...not a love connection

One of these had a slide out... not on our radar what so ever!

We are good at seeing the pros and cons with everything and with all the information out there it's easy to get caught up in research.  We've decided...bottom line, whatever we choose to go with we will be fine because of how we are.  

Initially in our discussions, Joe was set on the truck camper idea (we really want to have a 4 wheel drive).  I am and was good with that.  My "requirements" are a toilet and the capability of showering inside.  I'm fine with the outdoor shower but when it's cold outside, not a fan.  Everything else is under discussion.  Whenever we do look at something I focus on the storage and layout.  In my Internet viewing I came across the Revel and was hooked on THAT idea.  I came across that when we were in Florida last year.  Since then I have been looking at the Van Life community and following so many people on Instagram that are living out of transit vans etc.  

With this new possibility, Joe and I are looking at van conversions.  Things I like about the van idea...well, the main thing is  we don't have to get out of the vehicle to get in the camper.  We seem to base weather discussions on Medellin in Colombia, don't ask me why it just happened that way.  Joe has the weather for Medellin on his phone and every time he checks it, it's raining!  The last thing I want to be doing in the rain and/or cold is get out of the vehicle to get in or set up our living quarters!  With a van, you park and walk to the back... get settled, make dinner, go to bed :)  One of the reasons we got Stevie to play around in up here in Alaska, was that walk through Class C design!  Plus the safety of it also.  If we are in an area and need to leave quickly, we don't have to worry about getting out to get in to drive off!  We have not ruled out truck campers as of today, but it's quickly loosing in the pro/con list fight with the van!

It's going to be an interesting ride for us emotionally / mentally / and physically.

Sliding into 2018 with sunshine and ice

Work is starting to pick up.  I have a schedule and am building a client load.  Slowly but surely things are moving forward at work.  I had a ego boost the other day...a client did an intake with another therapist and he called back requesting someone else due to she reminding him of his mom.  This therapist was worried I also would remind him of his mom because we look a like but we met and there was more too it and he will be staying with me for therapy.  Little silent victories that show me I am decent at my job.  As a therapist it is so important not to make snap judgments.  If you think about one's self, I am complex and things are never as straightforward as I may express...so why would I think a client in front of me is as simple in regards to their struggles?!  We are human beings and we do judge others, even therapist, but as a therapist part of our education is acknowledging what comes up for us but then letting it go so we may be open for our clients.  We can't help others if we are constrained by our own judgments and thoughts.

I have found that when I have a morning meditation it is helpful for me to be more present throughout the day. I go for days when I spend 10min a morning in a practice but things get hectic or I choose sleep over getting up in time to add that to my morning.  So I bought some journals to help me write stuff down.  Since receiving "The Sunrise Manifesto" I've been using it daily in the morning, at most it takes 5 and if I want to write more maybe 10 minutes out of my morning.  So the time is the same but with this journal I feel more productive in that action.  Every day is just 2 pages.  There are specific questions or comments to address on one page and the other page is for you to brain dump!  So far I'm loving it and am noticing the difference in my day to day.  The 10 minutes of guided meditation is good also, but this appears to be easier to maintain and keep doing!
We've been getting out and about on the weekends, mostly.  This past weekend we checked out the Anchorage Museum and it was awesome.  All the information about the native tribes was overwhelming!  They also had some fun exhibits for us to play around with so it was a good time getting out in the limited day light we have.

We bought tickets to go North to Fairbanks via the train!  We are exited about this!  Seeing more of AK and hopefully the Northern Lights while we are there!  More to come on that adventure.

not going to miss January

January has not been nice to me.  Prior to New Years I had a cough, a throat tickle that just lingered.  After the 1st it grew into a head cold that progressively got worse no matter what I did or medications I tried.  Around 14 Jan my teeth started to hurt with all of my sinus pressure so it was off to the urgent care to get some prescription meds.... oh and during this time is when I let Ms. Sami go :(  

With steroids and antibiotics on board my head cold started to clear up! YEAH!  I started to feel better to the point of that I starting to work out!  On the 18th I did some elliptical work and the next day did a PiYo workout.  I was on the upswing of a rough January and then it felt like I got hit by a Mac truck!  

I was sore, I knew I would be due to working out, but this was abnormal.  It progressively got worse on the 20th.  My whole body ached, my head was pounding, and I was running a slight fever.  I laid on the couch with a cool compress on my head and Joe asked "do we need to go to the ER", no.... let me make it through the night and see how I feel in the morning. He was concerned but respected what I said...and after I recovered he told me that I scared the shit out him that night :(  Thursday morning I woke up, still weak and in pain.  I slowly got up and when I looked in the mirror it looked as if I had a severe sunburn.  I had a solid rash from my neck down...I was having an allergic reaction to the medications.
I asked Joe to take me to the ER and off we went.  
Years ago I had a similar reaction to amoxicillin, so now I can add sulfa drugs to my "allergies" :(  I'm running out of drugs to utilize when I'm feeling sick :(
I'm on round two of steroids in one month and I'm not a fan. I'm grateful that they are clearing up my stuff, but I feel jittery and "off".  

In the midst of this crazy month for me my outlook and presence is still happy!  I have noticed it and I'm amazed with it.  This month has been a struggle, and there are things that I haven't listed here that are more of an emotional struggle with some family members, but my "practice" of being present, of being honest about my feelings and needs with Joe, being open to him when he does the same thing to me, accepting things, not judging or overanalyzing things, has given me a sense of contentment and peace that has lifted weight from my soul.  

My work is a place of fulfillment and frustrations, just like anyone's job, but I am grateful for this opportunity and I am finding my place in the workplace.  My initial job evaluation went well.  I have days where I feel I am doing well with my clients and other days where I feel that I'm missing the mark but I'm still growing, and always will, as a therapist.  I had a meeting with the Red Cross the other night which was good, was able to meet some of the other volunteers and get a better understanding of what will be expected whenever I get called out to a fire.  Joe and I were invited to meet with some of my coworkers for dinner this past weekend and it was nice to be invited and to see people outside of work :)  and yesterday I was invited to a Pampered Chef party.  Yes it's dorky but being new to a place, new people, it's hard to feel like you belong so it feels good that they feel like they can invite me now to functions outside of work!

Driving home yesterday after the sun was setting and driving over the bridge to the PCB side I smiled :)  I am blessed in this life and I hope I can share that with others!

End of Week Three

I still feel as though I'm keeping my head above water.  I have yet to figure out a good balance between my personal life (up keep of house/laundry/relationship), school work, and my internship!  There is so much reading.  I'm writing a minimum of 1 paper a week and it's going to be bumped up to 2 a week here shortly, don't even ask me how many papers I'm reading on average!  I have 7 books for my 6 classes and a lot of teachers have you read articles/essays/watch movies/etc.  I'm enjoying most of my classes.  There is one that is torture to sit in, basically lecture style, but we have group assignments/presentations starting up soon so that should break that torture!  There is SO much to learn and I'm drinking from a fire hose!

My internship is no different.  I'm blessed in that the person I spend the most time with loves to teach, she is a fountain of knowledge and we have a lot of conversations on practicing Social Work.  There is so much and I want to do right by the clients that I will eventually have.  I'm still trying to figure out my foundation and I'm leaning toward the Humanistic foundation, big surprise right?!  I'm still learning about all the foundations out there, but that one speaks me to more than the others.  We will see where I will be once I start working with clients!  

Last weekend, Shane joined me for an evening lecture about "Atheist In Foxholes" given by the president of MAAF (Military Assoc. of Atheist and Freethinkers).  It was pretty interesting it was about bringing awareness that the military is not just your mainstream religions and that society puts out messages like it's unAmerican to be unChristian and what does that tell nonChristians serving in the military?  Military members can put Atheist on their dog tags but you cannot put Humanistic, it's not an option.  I asked if I could put Spiritual on my dog tags just a year or so ago and I was told I could put Atheist, well I'm not an Atheist so I just put something :(  People that are Atheist or Humanist don't have a venue for their belief to where they can talk with like minded people.  You can request a Wiccan service so why is there such a block on Atheist being able to meet with others to talk about their views?!  Pretty interesting stuff.  One statement that really stuck with me was when the speaker said something to the effect of: Evangelism is cultural suicide.  Think about that!

Shane is in MO right now for his niece's wedding.  I was suppose to go but with my internship and work it just wasn't good timing :(  I'm looking forward to pictures!  Being home alone this weekend has been relaxing and I've been able to get a lot done but I'm missing my man.  Sami has been limping pretty bad all weekend (been carrying her up and down the stairs).  She was out front and it seemed as if some boys were teasing her by riding their scooters in front of her.  By the time I got outside they were down the street and Sami was limping :(  It seems to be getting better but if she's still limping pretty bad then we'll be going to the vet tomorrow.  

I'm still using my essential oils.  I just put in my last big order, from now on it's going to be an oil here and an oil there.  With no real income coming in I need to keep and eye on that :(  I did buy their vitamins and I'm looking forward to try them out.  I've been doing pretty better on maintaining that part of my healthiness routine.  I was doing well with maintaining my T25 this week.  It's a new day, so I'm not going to focus on that!