Cusp of a New Year

I can't believe another year is almost over! A few updates because we always seem to changing something with our plans.  
Work is work.  It's been full of up and downs, just like any other job.  I do enjoy the work but I have another evaluation in a couple of months which are stressing me out if I'd have to admit it.  I was trained in July and then lately I have been having monthly mentor calls, which have been going well, but in a couple of months I will have person come and sit in on my work for two days! ack!  Had a lot of changes at work in personnel and all.  My "boss" has changed three times, I have a new coworker psychologist which I feel we have a good working relationship, and we had another social worker hired but he quit :(. They are suppose to be hiring someone else but so far no one has been hired.  So technically we are low manned so we are focusing our work on the active duty members.  So things are moving along.

On my balcony, with Fremont St behind me

Looking out towards Red Rock

Joe got a job!  A good paying job, hell he's getting more than me LOL. But it's in Albuquerque NM :(. So we are doing the separate thing for a wee bit.  Thus I moved to a small place in the Arts District which is pretty nice and Joe found himself a similar place downtown ABQ.  Even though neither one of us is happy about this new living arrangement we are focusing on the gains we will get from it.  Our bills will get paid quicker, Joe will keep his sanity, we can get our health and fitness back on track, and when we do visit with one another our time will be more intentional.  

Joe came out for Thanksgiving and we had a relaxing time catching up with each other and doing whatever came up.  One good thing about Vegas is that it NEVER sleeps and you can always find some place that is open!

Playing tourist at the Neon Museum!  

Seven Magic Mountains

New job....eventually

new backyard, Red Rock

Life is crazy and if you don't fight where it wants to take you, it's not AS stressful.  A lot of BIG changes since last post.  I am now a LCSW as of February.  It happened quicker than what I projected because yours truly is not a math wiz and I was counting hours separately vs combined.  So TA DA here we are!  With that happening about the same time a lot of changes were happening in my work section.  My bad ass supervisor was scheduled to PCS in July and then our director got a job at the VA in Vegas and would be leaving around the same time.  Our awesome team was breaking up, which unfortunately happens and it happens more often in military type settings.  

Joe and I decided to enjoy one more summer in Alaska and then move out before winter.  Knowing how long government jobs will take to get hired onto, I decided to start job hunting and applying to government jobs (doesn't matter what state I'm licensed in).  I had already planned on flying Tux down to Vegas to be adopted by my brother due to all the traveling Joe and I were planning on taking.

A month or so prior to the Tux drop off trip, I get a call back from a contract company about a job at Nellis AFB, NV.  First off, Joe and I wanted to move to Vegas when we left Florida so we were focusing on the Vegas area due to other benefits that line up with our future goals.

This contract company moved fast!  I talked with the Capt I'd be working for and everything was lining up and they wanted me for the position but they needed me sooner than later.  So we discussed it and figured "why not".  When I dropped off Tux I told Chris and Anna we'd be neighbors and I'll cat sit whenever they need :). I got back to work, worked a week, out processed and we hit the road!

Our road trip to Vegas

All of our stuff fit in this trailer AND we had plenty of room for other stuff....*psst* we think we have too much stuff!

We saw so much beauty and animals this time, spent a couple of days with fam in Utah, and then onto Vegas.  We found a furnished condo to move in on 1 June and I had a start date of 20 May so we have been in an extended stay.  We got settled, did some touristy stuff, and them bam....got hit with some speed bumps.

Major speed bump....Nellis AFB is giving some push back on credentialing me as a provider, even though I'm an LCSW.  My start date is now up in the air, hell the job that I moved down here for is up in the air!  I was told by the contract company that there is a 50% chance of me NOT having a job. I do not gamble!!!!  If this does NOT go through I probably will NEVER work with a contract company again.  I understand that it is not the contract company that is causing problems but they need to have some better checks and balances to avoid having someone move across the U.S. for a job.  I should hear something this week about where we stand with this job.

Until then, I am getting all my paperwork ready to submit for a Nevada license.  There are a good amount of LCSW jobs in the area but I need that NV license so here we go, and of course all of that cost a stupid amount of money :(

We've had some smaller speed bumps that have popped up which make the big one even more frustrating.  This morning we found out that our condo, which we were hoping to move in on 31 May, won't be open for us to move in until 1 June so we need to find a place to sleep for one night now.  I am hoping I can just extend one night to where we are at currently.

Since we are staying in an extended stay I am utilizing the library for their wi-fi and printing services.  I went to one that was farther away the first time and I figured I'd go to the one closer today....interesting.  I am sitting at a table and there is a homeless lady next to me and she's been munching on chips, checking out cooking books, and having some low key conversations with herself.  Not bothering me at all. What IS bothering me is the elderly, decently dressed man at the next table over who appears to be staring at me and licking his lips on the regular basis.  HE is giving me more of the creeps than the homeless that are chilling in the library!  

I CANNOT wait to have my own space, a kitchen to cook in, my own printer, and a peaceful place to reset when needed. I need some sort of focus, routine, and get back to some more healthy ways.  Yes I can do all that living in a damn hotel but it will be a lot easier in our space.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming...

Words matter and an Army challenge

A couple of weeks ago I brought up a concern I had at work.  I've had a good handful of soldiers come into my office for behavioral health intakes and some for individual therapy.  I've heard similar reports from some of the soldiers of how there are a lot of jokes about suicide.  A week ago, I'm not sure what was different, but after meeting with a soldier and hearing their frustrations about this I brought up my concerns to our team.

I inquired if other providers have heard similar stories and threw out some ideas to begin to change the dialogue.  One person, and I've heard this from others, seem to feel it was an uphill battle stating "it's the culture" and then made a comment about the Air Force not have issues like this.  I snapped that the AF has their stuff just like other branches but stating that "it's the culture" doesn't mean we cannot try to raise awareness and start some change.

Things that I have heard from my soldiers is they will sit around and joke about suicide to the point of having conversations on how they will do it.  A soldier reached out not knowing what they should of done when a friend posted suicidal thoughts on social media.  This person was met with jokes, comments of "if they don't do it they are a pussy" and "they just want attention".  I imagined young soldiers having this conversation but NCOs were a part of it!  The ones that are charged with the responsibility of mentoring and leading!  My blood boiled at this.

Having been in the medical field close to my whole working life I am well versed in off color jokes and making serious situations light by jokes and sarcasm.  But suicide have been off the table for me, it's never been a joke.

When I brought this up to our team, another provider spoke up and stated that she's done training with one of her sections.  She has a training/outline for this already and she reported that she got great feedback when she did this.  She did a few separate pow wows, having a different presentation/training/talk with senior leadership, the mid level leaders, and the lowest rung of soldiers and each presentation was adapted to that group!  It was more of a dialogue and as she stated she wanted to educate them on how WE think as mental health professionals.  Why hasn't this been expanding outside of her units?!  
I don't know but one hold up that is coming to light are commanders that are not seeing mental health as a priority of their soldiers.  THAT is the big fight.

I am learning more and more about how the Army works, it's not making any sense to me but with more understanding it allows me to work differently.  For example in the AF when you say commander you are usually talking about a Maj or LtCol, or higher.  These individuals have a decent amount of time in service, some age on them, and should have a broader perspective on things...don't get me wrong I've been exposed to my share of incompetent AF commanders.  In the Army a commander is usually a CPT and I recently met with one in my office.  

Up until this week, in my mind, I kept thinking Army commander = AF commander.  A switch went off this week.  I had this AR CPT who just ended their command, AT 26 YEARS OLD!  Educated with a degree (most often that does not have classes on leadership or management of people) and a crash course in Army life/training. These young adults are in charge of other young adults to the point of ruining one's career, kicking them out, all levels of discipline!  So when when get a new commander and then one of their soldiers are suicidal, have to go inpatient, these young adults are either freaked out trying to figure out what they can do to help or they totally separate from the issue.  As I recently heard from a commander, "if they can't soldier they are useless to me".  

My mind shift went from Oh shit I have to call the commander to I have to call this commander and mentor him/her on how best to help this soldier.  I recently had a commander ask me "what do you think I should do" in regards to letting a soldier go on leave "even though he's failed a PT test".  I acknowledged his situation of having to think of the group as a whole, if he lets one person go under disciplinary action how that would reflect on others unable to go, but I also mentioned to take this soldier's whole story into account.... how has his performance been up until this failed PT test? is this a regular thing for him?  if he's been a stellar soldier up until this incident I, as a mental health profession, recommended he be allowed to go home for the holidays for his mental health.  This information was acknowledged and the soldier was able to go home!

I am older than these commanders by 20 years at time, more time in the military, and then life experience!  What a mind screw that is?!  Apparently I'm a professional and I may even be considered an adult.  When did this happen because I don't feel it at all?!  But with this "ah ha" moment.... I now have a different perspective on how to interact with Army commanders to where I can do the best that I can to help both the commander and the solider.

And one of my task to to help change how people talk about suicide.  I know I work with the soldiers that are pretty rough around the edges with their jobs and being airborne but that does not mean they are unable to change!  I may not make a huge change but if I can get a few people to thinking about things differently and hopefully start using their voice to start a ripple of change.  Anything is possible.

Slow internet... it's really selective internet!

I'm at work, not a place I like to blog but the computers are running on molasses!  Well, the programs and internet sites that are connect to my work are not working so here we are! I've restarted my computer 4 times and nada so I blog:P

Work is still going smoothly with no real complaints.  Things are at a pace that is almost a tad slow for me but I'm doing other things with my time.  Researching diagnosis, taking the time to really prep for people I'm working with, and doing some education. 

This past weekend, Joe and I took Stevie out for the weekend.  We didn't drive off far, it was just a regular weekend but it is amazing how camping and being out in nature changes one's mood.  After last week I was fine, wasn't overly stressed or anything along those lines.  We go out camping and it's like my work is a world away, although we just drove 2 hours away!  We spend a full day hiking on Saturday and it is confirmed...I did something to my knee :(  I have an appointment already scheduled so we will see what is going on with that!  Can't be restricted to only 4 mile hikes!  Not here in Alaska!

The trail we chose to go on is actually around 16 miles or so, an out and back.  You hike 8 miles out to a glacier and then come back.  We made it to almost 4 miles.  So we did a total of around 8.  We attempted to make it to the 4 mile marker but we were thwarted by marshy land we could not navigate through or around.  So we turned around, found a clearing, and took a power nap before heading back to Stevie.  Not a lot of food traffic on the hike so it was pretty low key and relaxing. 

Getting back to Stevie we relaxed with some drinks and grilled some cheeseburgers.  We heading home early on Sunday and it worked out great because we got back before the other RVs, so no line to dump, and we had the day to get ready for the week ahead!

Animal sitings update:

Buffalo: a big herd

Caribou: 9 alive and 1 carcass
Deer: 5

Dall Sheep: lost count

Rabbit: 1

Prairie Dog: 1

Tundra Swan: lost count
Moose: lost count
Bald Eagle: lost count
Porcupine: 1
Sea Lions: 4

Artic Ground Squirrel: 1

And SWITCH

Joe and I don't do anything "normal" and it works for us.  A few weeks ago Joe gave his notice at his job.  He enjoyed the people and the concept of the job he was a fan of but he had similar issues with his work environment as do/did I.  

My work environment was having a negative effect on my mental health.  Joe was beginning to worry about me.  I was coming home in a mood, either angry/frustrated or depressed.  I was in a constant state of being tired no matter how much sleep I got.  Every morning I would have to force myself out of bed, there was even one day I didn't even shower before going into work!  My depression was strong and deep, only getting deeper the longer I struggled in that work environment.  Joe said we'd be o.k. financial for a few months if I put in my notice.  I hate not having something lined up and I also don't like not having an income but my unhappiness at work was overriding those worries.  One morning Joe sent me a picture of me from Florida, I was on a beach cruiser and smiling...he text "I remember this girl".  I cried and knew I had to quit work, the environment was not going to change any time soon.  Coworkers have shared with me their struggles that have been going on for years.  I did not have the motivation to fight the system.  So a week after Joe put in his notice, I submitted my two weeks and yesterday was my last physical day at work.

Before I put in my notice I had a telephone interview for a position on base.  It's a slight pay cut but it sounds less stressful, smaller work community, structure, and more follow through and accountability.  As usually I feel as though I bomb telephone interviews, thinking I sound like an idiot or after the call replay conversations thing "I should have said this".  I submitted my 2 week notice at the VA on Friday and on Monday I received an tentative offer email for that position! 

dog sitting Luna, dog cuddles make everything better

This process of quitting my job has been interesting for me.  It's always a hard decision even if it's for one's own sanity.  My frustrations with work were echoed by a majority of my coworkers and we were banding together to bring issues up to the managers and leaders in hopes of a change.   When I decided to quit my job, with no other employment lined up, a coworker stated "You are amazing".  

This gave me pause, it was said as she was leaving my office.  Amazing? Really? for leaving a toxic work environment that was doing me more harm than good?  I got to thinking about it and I've been commended for just doing stuff like that before.  I left a government job in Utah and moved to Hawaii.  I had a safety neat but no real job.  I just moved.  After graduating with my MSW I went against what "made sense" and followed my gut, things have been working out wonderfully.  When I went off to India and volunteered for 2 weeks, I had no job and shouldn't have spent the money but I went and had a profound experience and things worked out.  I am blessed!  I have been in positions where people have been helpful and have provided some security and safety but at times I just go and do.  That is what I did with this recent situation.  I have been at the VA for 7 months and gave my 2 weeks.  People were surprised at how sudden I was leaving but NOT surprised as to the why.

Joe and I both have our history of jobs that suck your soul.  We are making it a priority to enjoy life, even if that means taking a pay cut at times.  We are o.k. with that.  We don't have to make X amount of money, we just need to pay off our debt and then move on to our next big thing.  

Although leaving the VA was best for me, it's always hard to say good bye and stop therapy with Veterans.  I did my best to inform them of my leaving, ensuring I personally talked with each one either by phone or in person.  One of them gifted me with this painting.  I'm always in awe when a client takes the time to do something to give to me.

gift hand painted from a client

So here we are, both unemployed.  I'm working towards a start date...the DOD hiring process is never quick.  We have time off to focus on down sizing, selling things, and enjoy more of what is in our back yard!

Headache and Self Care

Today is Tuesday and tomorrow I am taking a mental health day for which I am grateful for due to having a splitting headache for the better part of the day :(
Since the New Year we've been working and doing our thing.  We've had a few date nights enjoying the local area.  We've been busy but not terribly busy.  We enjoy the weekends that are never long enough but we do what we can!

A quick weekend away is scheduled for next weekend...a music festival with beer of course :P. It should be a good time to get away from here for a little staycation near by! 
Joe is enjoying his new job and adapting to the civilian way of work having to have had to hire and fire someone in about a couple of weeks of starting and is in the midst of hiring two more people.  Although I am working in a civilian function for the government there are tons of similarities between my work environment and being military.  Which adds to my work stress.

Work is full of typical work stressors along with the stressors that come with this type of work.  The balance of meeting the client where they are at but also aiding them in finding their motivation to move forward.  
The work of acknowledging that I will not always be the person that will help them forward and to be accepting of that.  I am human also and sometimes there is not that therapeutic connection that is needed for someone to be vulnerable to fully engage in therapy.  Some days it's a struggle to fully believe that and not beat myself up for not meeting my high expectations or expectations that I think others have for me.

My work is fulfilling, draining, amazing, and frustrating all in one day.  I get home and I'm mentally stressed and exhausted.  It's important for me to be tuned into my self and also make myself a priority...thus my mental health day tomorrow and my goal for taking at least one day a month off!
I'm so looking forward to unplugging tomorrow!

Sliding into 2018 with sunshine and ice

Work is starting to pick up.  I have a schedule and am building a client load.  Slowly but surely things are moving forward at work.  I had a ego boost the other day...a client did an intake with another therapist and he called back requesting someone else due to she reminding him of his mom.  This therapist was worried I also would remind him of his mom because we look a like but we met and there was more too it and he will be staying with me for therapy.  Little silent victories that show me I am decent at my job.  As a therapist it is so important not to make snap judgments.  If you think about one's self, I am complex and things are never as straightforward as I may express...so why would I think a client in front of me is as simple in regards to their struggles?!  We are human beings and we do judge others, even therapist, but as a therapist part of our education is acknowledging what comes up for us but then letting it go so we may be open for our clients.  We can't help others if we are constrained by our own judgments and thoughts.

I have found that when I have a morning meditation it is helpful for me to be more present throughout the day. I go for days when I spend 10min a morning in a practice but things get hectic or I choose sleep over getting up in time to add that to my morning.  So I bought some journals to help me write stuff down.  Since receiving "The Sunrise Manifesto" I've been using it daily in the morning, at most it takes 5 and if I want to write more maybe 10 minutes out of my morning.  So the time is the same but with this journal I feel more productive in that action.  Every day is just 2 pages.  There are specific questions or comments to address on one page and the other page is for you to brain dump!  So far I'm loving it and am noticing the difference in my day to day.  The 10 minutes of guided meditation is good also, but this appears to be easier to maintain and keep doing!
We've been getting out and about on the weekends, mostly.  This past weekend we checked out the Anchorage Museum and it was awesome.  All the information about the native tribes was overwhelming!  They also had some fun exhibits for us to play around with so it was a good time getting out in the limited day light we have.

We bought tickets to go North to Fairbanks via the train!  We are exited about this!  Seeing more of AK and hopefully the Northern Lights while we are there!  More to come on that adventure.

Patience and Cider

It's Saturday morning, I am slightly dehydrated from a bottle of wine last night sucking out my moisture but I sit here with my coffee with a splash of yummy salted Carmel Kailua.  I look out in front of me to the sun creepy over the snow covered mountains and I am happy!  This sun loving, gotta be by the beach girl is happy in Alaska!  Before moving here our friend Adam told Joe that Alaska will steal your heart!  He spoke a hard truth and we are grateful to have this experience.

We have begun to live with the belief that we must not fight life, we need to be open to it, embrace the moment, and not force something that is not working.  Neither one of us ever thought we'd be living in Alaska, let alone loving and embracing Alaska and all that she has to offer!

My work hasn't changed much but I am working on myself in that regard.  Instead of focusing on my frustrations and irritations I just do what I can, learn what I can, and be open to what I can do.  I've talked to some head people and they are aware of my frustrations and that I am eager to be engaged so that is all I can do.  Apparently I have started work here in an stage of change so roles and responsibilities are being clarified and tweaked.  it's a government job so nothing moves forward in a fast manner so I am choosing to embrace the situation and have patience.  I have no control over others or the process just myself.  That is something we try to instill in our clients as therapist but sometimes we get caught up in life and forget that truth ourselves.



Last weekend I had the blessing of volunteering at Survivor's Day.  It's a day, that is set aside nationally, for those people that have lost someone due to suicide.  It's was a touching day with movies, actives for remembrance, and of sharing of grief and strength.  This was their 4 year of doing it here in Anchorage, I believe, and when it started there were more volunteers than participants.  This year it has grown and there was a good amount of people.  It's good that the word is getting out, it's not strongly advertised, but sad at the same time.  The high schools here have had a hard year of students dying by suicide which was heart braking to hear about, and frustration to here that people don't want to talk about in the schools or take any preventive measures.  It does seem like with this year of loss, the the students themselves are making a change and there is also some change from the higher ups to address it.  So although the loss has been great, there are finally some action to help the kids.




This past Monday we had a fun night of cider and chocolate pairing at the local cidery.  They worked with a local chocolate shop and it was amazing!  9 ciders and 9 truffles!  I was a happy girl!  The hardest part was waiting while they set out the ciders and chocolates!  
Last night we had dinner with our other neighbors, a newlywed couple from Colorado.  We had an evening of finger food, good drinks, and good conversations!  Our condo is small, only four units and one is an air&b so it's awesome to me that we've made friends and broke bread with our neighbors.  





We have been here in Alaska for 2 months! We have done and experienced more than what we had in Florida, and we've interacted more with our neighbors!  I can't believe it's only been 2 months! We are just getting started!