Been busy and late on post...

Chilln' in our new digs!

Well, Joe and I have moved into our new digs.  A studio apartment that is furnished.  Yep, we’ve gotten rid of all of our furniture and downsized all that extra stuff that you don’t realize is accumulating in drawers, closets, and bins!  Granted we still have stuff to get rid of, and we are going to do quarterly sweeps of our stuff.  So every few months we are going to go through our bins, Tupperware, and kitchen stuff and get rid of things we have not used.  Currently I am doing the hanger swap from those plastic hangers to some thinner ones, if I still have items on plastic hangers after so long then that clothing will be donated!  

We have been in our new studio for almost a month now and we are doing well.  People are always shocked when we tell them of the small space we are now living in and what our future plans are. We’ve heard “well, you really got to like the person” um duh and we do.  Joe and I can occupy the same space and still be focused on individual things.  Yesterday was a prime example…

Sunday’s usually are not my best day…. I get the Sunday funk pretty bad and now that we are getting into darker days and gloomy winter weather, well it’s not a good combo for my depressed tendencies.  Some Sunday’s I’m good and I feel o.k. but yesterday was a struggle.  I did manage to shower *high five* but that was the extent of my movement, oh I did wash and put away laundry *high five* but the rest of the day, ALL of Sunday, I was on the internet.  I attempted to read but that lasted 5 minutes.  As a social worker, I know this type of activity is not healthy but as I tell my folks as long as you don’t build a house in that funk it’s o.k. to have a day or two.    Joe also has his Sunday funk and like me, sometimes it’s worse than others. He had a decent Sunday, he even worked out!  He spent most of his internet browsing in a more productive fashion by doing research. I felt bad for being a lazy butt but Joe in our relationship fashion, was not judgmental, did not force anything on me, and just gave me my space to do absolutely nothing and not feel totally bad about it.  This all went down in a studio apartment all day.  Even when we have our moods/funks/etc. we are able to not feed into it, make it worse, or feel weird about it!  How amazing is that?!

New place has a fire pit!

Now it’s Monday, work is typical Monday with a dash of crazy due to the first snow of the season and not a lot of people at work.  But I’m good. The funk of Sunday has not lingered and I’m feeling motivated to be productive.  

We haven’t been overly busy this past month getting settled into our new place, but looking back on some pictures I’ve taken we’ve been busy enough!  

After Mom's visit, and my last post, we had the awesome experience of driving into Denali park.  You can only drive so far in your own vehicle, with a pass, but at the end of the season and to give back to military they give a certain number of passes and there is also a raffle.  If you win, you get to drive as far as the road takes you.  Our neighbors had a pass and invited us along and it was amazing. Of course pictures cannot really do the beauty of this state justice.  We were blessed with a clear day but that also appeared to keep a lot of the critters away.  We did see a few bears, some elk, and a fox...along with the butt of a moose walking back into the tree line :)

Denali

Tourist in our back yard!

The weekend we moved into our new place Joe noticed there was some motorcycle travelers from Chile stranded on one of the many social media groups we follow. Since we were pretty much moved, just needed to organize and get situated, Joe took off to go pick them up and give them a ride into town.  We ended up having a couple of meals with them and picked their brain on their travels.  Awesome experience!  Joe got to spend more time with them due to not working during that time. Since then he has scored a state job that he is enjoying better than his other two jobs.  It's more of an office work gig, he's a program manager, and he gets to interact and talk with A LOT of people with the overall goal to get Veterans back to work.  

New traveling friends!

I can't believe 2018 is almost over! Before we know it we will be in 2019!!!  I believe I've found a work out that fits my needs and I'll actually stick with!  Pure Barre is a low impact high intensity workout and I've been able to go 3 times a week for a month now!  I cannot recall when that has happened LOL.  What I like it is low impact, you really work your muscles but I need to start adding more cardio somewhere.... the place I go is supportive and the little changes in the routine stop me from getting bored with the workouts.  Good music and the workouts go by quick so I don't find myself always looking at the clock.  The first week that I went they had a wine down Wednesday, yep they had wine for people!!!! So yeah, best workout place ever!  Nothing like a little treat for working out :)

And SWITCH

Joe and I don't do anything "normal" and it works for us.  A few weeks ago Joe gave his notice at his job.  He enjoyed the people and the concept of the job he was a fan of but he had similar issues with his work environment as do/did I.  

My work environment was having a negative effect on my mental health.  Joe was beginning to worry about me.  I was coming home in a mood, either angry/frustrated or depressed.  I was in a constant state of being tired no matter how much sleep I got.  Every morning I would have to force myself out of bed, there was even one day I didn't even shower before going into work!  My depression was strong and deep, only getting deeper the longer I struggled in that work environment.  Joe said we'd be o.k. financial for a few months if I put in my notice.  I hate not having something lined up and I also don't like not having an income but my unhappiness at work was overriding those worries.  One morning Joe sent me a picture of me from Florida, I was on a beach cruiser and smiling...he text "I remember this girl".  I cried and knew I had to quit work, the environment was not going to change any time soon.  Coworkers have shared with me their struggles that have been going on for years.  I did not have the motivation to fight the system.  So a week after Joe put in his notice, I submitted my two weeks and yesterday was my last physical day at work.

Before I put in my notice I had a telephone interview for a position on base.  It's a slight pay cut but it sounds less stressful, smaller work community, structure, and more follow through and accountability.  As usually I feel as though I bomb telephone interviews, thinking I sound like an idiot or after the call replay conversations thing "I should have said this".  I submitted my 2 week notice at the VA on Friday and on Monday I received an tentative offer email for that position! 

dog sitting Luna, dog cuddles make everything better

This process of quitting my job has been interesting for me.  It's always a hard decision even if it's for one's own sanity.  My frustrations with work were echoed by a majority of my coworkers and we were banding together to bring issues up to the managers and leaders in hopes of a change.   When I decided to quit my job, with no other employment lined up, a coworker stated "You are amazing".  

This gave me pause, it was said as she was leaving my office.  Amazing? Really? for leaving a toxic work environment that was doing me more harm than good?  I got to thinking about it and I've been commended for just doing stuff like that before.  I left a government job in Utah and moved to Hawaii.  I had a safety neat but no real job.  I just moved.  After graduating with my MSW I went against what "made sense" and followed my gut, things have been working out wonderfully.  When I went off to India and volunteered for 2 weeks, I had no job and shouldn't have spent the money but I went and had a profound experience and things worked out.  I am blessed!  I have been in positions where people have been helpful and have provided some security and safety but at times I just go and do.  That is what I did with this recent situation.  I have been at the VA for 7 months and gave my 2 weeks.  People were surprised at how sudden I was leaving but NOT surprised as to the why.

Joe and I both have our history of jobs that suck your soul.  We are making it a priority to enjoy life, even if that means taking a pay cut at times.  We are o.k. with that.  We don't have to make X amount of money, we just need to pay off our debt and then move on to our next big thing.  

Although leaving the VA was best for me, it's always hard to say good bye and stop therapy with Veterans.  I did my best to inform them of my leaving, ensuring I personally talked with each one either by phone or in person.  One of them gifted me with this painting.  I'm always in awe when a client takes the time to do something to give to me.

gift hand painted from a client

So here we are, both unemployed.  I'm working towards a start date...the DOD hiring process is never quick.  We have time off to focus on down sizing, selling things, and enjoy more of what is in our back yard!

Pain and Stuff

There is a gym pretty much across the street from our place, The Alaska Club.  We checked it out and it's one of their bigger sites with an indoor pool, tennis courts, etc.  We thought they had the basics we wanted in a gym and even more so we signed up.  With that sign up we got to meet with an trainer to do an initial assessment which we did on Monday.  I'm STILL not walking normally and it' Thursday!  The guy, Roman, talked us about our goals and gave us some education.  He also put our information into a computer and gave us our "current age" based on our health.  I am at 48 :( it's not terrible but I knew I had work to do!  He did our BMI and all that fun stuff and again, I'm not in a crazy unhealthy zone but I got a few pounds to loose to get back to feeling healthy.  After all that fun stuff he took us not he floor and walked us through some exercises, just three of them and we are both waddling around like 90 year olds.  He started us on a machine for squats, he didn't add any weight to mine but the bar itself weighs 105lbs!  We warmed up and then two sets of 10.  I was hurting.  Then we did bench presses, again I was just using the weight of the bar and that was enough but I managed to do more than I thought I could.  Then we did dead lifts with the kettle bells.  He tried to sell us the personal trainer thing and we told him we'd keep it in mind.  
The weights and machines are upstairs.  The first step I took down stairs I thought my legs were going to buckle under me and I was going to fall down stairs!  Have I mentioned we are on the top floor of our condo place?!  UGH. 
We ended up meeting Adam and Michelle for dinner and I was managing the discomfort and it wasn't too bad.  The next day OMG!  I was sore BUT we found out that our household goods would be delivered on Wednesday so we were stoked about that.  It was a low key day for me and Joe did some errands and shopping for new tires on his truck.  I managed the stairs slowly and with a firm grip on the railing.
Wednesday, we get our stuff!  I'm STILL in pain but I popped some Excedrin and pressed on.  Alaska continues to impress us.  We both have moved numerous times and dealing with moving companies we get "we will be there between 8-5" and there is a lot of waiting involved.  These guys were calling us probably around 8:30!  We both drank what we could of our coffee, I ran to the store to pick up bottle water and donuts for the movers, and when I returned they were already there! The two guys were efficient and quick!  They had unloaded us by 2 I believe!  Now we are living in an apartment with boxes and chaos but we're happy! 
With this delivery it gives us ample time to get settled before I start work. Tux is happy he has the couch back and we're happy he isn't sleeping with us all night!
We downsized before coming here and we lost a little bit of room in comparing the two places but we lost a lot of space in our kitchen :(. So more downsizing is in order!  I tend to downsize better when unpacking.  I'm looking at stuff, not finding a place for it and ask "when did I actually use this last?"  and if I have to struggle to think of an answer... it's gone/donated/sold!  We are staying busy that's for sure!
One thing that I have been and am concerned about here in Alaska is my depression.  I already have a vitamin D deficiency that I take supplements for and here I am moving to a state that has months of limited sunshine!  Right now the sun doesn't actually poke out over the mountains till around 8:30/9!  I've been taking my supplements religiously (need to take them today) but I also bought some things to help out.  In our bedroom I bought one of the alarm clocks that wakes you up by mimicking natural light.  Not only is it a gentler way to wake up but it will aid me in getting in a positive gear in the morning.  I then bought a light box to sit in front of in the mornings when I'm having my coffee and breakfast.  The thing is BRIGHT and we've used it a couple of mornings so far.  I didn't use it this morning because it's a lazy day, Joe is still in bed hangover, and we all need a cozy low key day.  I haven't seen the sun yet (it's 10:53am) and looking outside it's grey, mist over the mountains, and low clouds.  I've been nursing my coffee all morning but I got a massage scheduled at 2 that I'm looking forward to with my sore legs! In addition to those lights the gym has tanning beds.  So I'm going to incorporate regular tanning to my "to do" activities to keep my sanity during the winter months!
I ordered a work out notebook so I can schedule and plan my weeks.  I know it will be important for me to stay on task with my workouts, tanning, vitamins, etc. to avoid a depression or resurgence of my PTSD symptoms.  I feel that I have been managing these things well but here in Alaska, I think that I have to be more aggressive with my self care for my mental health.
We will see how everything works out.

The power of open communication

     This has been a weird week for me and I think it's manifested into some emotional turmoil.  Last Saturday I attended a funeral for a coworker from the CERFP.  I knew him a little, and felt I needed to show my support at his funeral.  We had a good turn out of UTANG people and it was a beautiful service.  I got more emotional than what I expected and when I got home I laid down and took a nap.  Emotionally I was drained.  
     I had my last group therapy meeting at the VA.  I've missed the past few sessions due to school and well..... excuses excuses.  I went, and it's a good group of people that I have spent Tuesdays nights with for many months.  Unfortunately this meeting just made me feel more broken than whole and I've been thinking about getting an individual therapist for awhile and this just made me want to do that more.  So, Tuesday was a long day and with an early day on Wednesday I was just spent, emotionally and now physically.
     Wednesday at school, the first class we had a guest speakers talk about death and dying and so that was hard.  Some classmates told some personal stories that got me tearing up again :(  Then I got stuck in my head, the beast had found a way in and he charged in with full force.  The beast, aka my depression, is the demon on my back that I am consistently aware of and I do everything in my power to keep him in check.  I tripped up in that delicate dance on Wednesday.
     The negative self talk was in full swing:  
           -Should I be a therapist with my own baggage, I can't even sit in this discussion about dying without crying?
           -Social Workers are known for being outgoing, talkative, and just the outgoing type person.  I am NOT that person and I have never been that person.
           -Everyone else can just go up and talk to the people, the guest speakers, the teachers, etc. and well... I'm do my business and leave.  How do they do that?  How do they have that openness to just go up and talk to people?
           blah
           blah
           blah
You get the idea :(
       After that class I had a 3 hour break before my next class and I had a chiropractor appointment.  The adjustment made me feel better, physically but mentally not so much.  I had lunch and then back to school.  I found myself snippy with classmates and just angry.  I went from depressed, self-questioning, self-defeating to bitch mode.  THAT's going to make it open for people to talk to me! ugh
      At lunch I told Shane how I was feeling.  When I got home we talked and I told him some of my fears and concerns with how I am feeling.  At one point I got angry with Shane, he was doing the guy thing in wanting to "fix" and educate me on what is going on and I'm just screaming inside "I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I'M GETTING A MASTER'S IN SW AND I LIVE WITH THIS DAILY! YOU ARE NOT TELLING ME ANYTHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW"  but I didn't say anything, I just let him talk.  I took some deep breaths and laid there (we were laying in bed talking).  I eventually got passed the emotional point and was at the just lay there and zone out in front of the t.v. point.  Shane left me alone at this point and that was fine.
      The one thing (of many) that Shane does so well is that he gives me my space.  We talked but it gets to the point where no words are needed and how I am, I just need to be alone.  He gets that.  If I have these dark moments that last a weekend,  he'll check on me, ask me if I need anything, but leaves me be.  This allows me as an introvert to "recharge" and battle the beast on my terms which allows m an intimacy with it to the point of recognizing it and knowing what I need to fight it.  
      I woke up on Thursday feeling lighter.  I believe that our short talk where I got my thoughts out to someone else, and then my own little introvert charge allowed me to get past this depression trap sooner than if I just came home and continued to stew in the vortex of doom.  
      If we don't get this repetitive, negative thoughts out of our brain they are trapped.  They are bouncing around in there just getting stronger and louder, they multiply and feed off the other negative thoughts!  By giving voice to them they flew away.  Once I said those things out loud, they went away, they lost their power!  Can it work if I'm not saying them to a person right next to me?  I dunno, but I might give that a try next time!  I don't want to let go of my poison just to inflict it on the person that I love.... thus an individual therapist ;)

Having a struggle...

Not sure what it is...the change of season/temperature, influx of allergy crud in the air, me getting my self in order with acupuncture, over stressed at work... who knows, it's like a perfect storm of stress crap and thus it's an open door for my depression :(  It's been a hard couple of weeks.
In saying that I've done better than usually during this type of time in working out, I believe that has kept me from going off the deep end!  At a minimum I've done my work outs in the mornings prior to work, just the 30 minutes on the treadmill.  This weekend, I've forced myself to work out and it's helped pull me out of my "funk".  My allergies have really kicked in and usually that will bring me down too, making me feel lethargic and tired.  Fortunately, in the latest doTerra magazine it talked about allergies.  It mentioned in a capsule put in a few drops of lavender, peppermint, and lemon.  I've done it the past two days and it WORKS!  Amazing!
Today I did Cardio Extreme of HHAs and it totally kicked my butt but I stuck with it!  I need all those work endorphins I can get at this time.
Depression sucks!  It sucks the life from you, makes you self conscious, withdrawn, paranoid, tired, bitchy....need I go on?  :( ugh It's a perfect storm of crap!  You need to work out, eat well, and be active to keep the depression at bay but once it starts it's the quick sand of blue sludge because you don't want to and don't have the energy to exercise, eat healthy, and be active.
I'm doing better, obviously since I'm blogging ;)  Too bad it's in the middle of a long weekend...in other words I feel like I've wasted have of this long weekend in my funk :( and there is so much to do!  
As I sit here, Shane and I are planning an August vacation to an island :D  Beach, white sands, tropical drinks with umbrellas in them.... it will be lovely!