Life is work!

Every day at work I see it, people wanted a quick fix or an easy way to feel/do better.  They always seem a little surprised when I say that life sucks, there will be good and bad moments but it's what we do in those moments is what makes our life what it is.
When I say life is work it's easy to think about the crappy connotations to work.  What I am focused on is that we have to do something in our life.  It's OURs and that takes effort, physical and mental effort, to life a good life.
If we don't do that work, our brain will be a crazy kid with no boundaries and rules.  We've all see THAT kid in public.  That kid that is a distraction, is rude, is mean, annoying, and is just going wild.  Our brains do that to us daily and what do we do? We allow it to trample on our emotions, our dreams, and confine us to a corner being silent.
For people that are parents, you know that kids needs support, room to grown, but also boundaries and structure.  We have to do that with our brain and it's hard work.  It's like telling an adorable kid "no" or punishing the kid who cutely swears not knowing what they are saying.
I'm not a neuroscientist, or a brainiac by any means, and my time as a LCSW is still maturing but I see it in me personally and with everyone that sits in front of me.  
Society doesn't help our brain child. We are constantly bombarded with what we should do or what we should look like.  Kids now are fighting this battle from an earlier age.  Lost of the days of building forts, playing outside all day, using our brains to imagine fun things.  We are force fed what our lives should look like and when we are not living that life we are judged.  Sometimes to our face but a lot of times by our child brain "how come you aren't married" "you should have kids" "you fucked that up" "you have to wear a bra in public" "you look like a slut""sitting by yourself, you're a looser".... you get the idea.  
Life is a journey and we should choose our companions carefully.  They should be supportive, loving, and able to check us when we need it.  Our thoughts should be chosen with the same care and focus.
How do we do that?  Here comes the work :P
Half, probably more than half of the time, we have no awareness of our automatic thoughts (ANTs).  They flutter and bound around.  Additionally we never notice when we are not having thoughts, and those moments are important!  
First, be curious about yourself.  Be your own investigator.  Be aware of feelings that come up.  I bet when you try to focus on your thoughts they begin to hide from you and it's hard to think about what your thinking.  That's o.k.  this is a new thing, be gentle and curious like hanging out with a new person.  Label the feelings that you notice. I'm feeling sad, meh (yes I use meh even with my patients), happy, frustrated, pleased.....
Then be curious about what you were doing when that emotion came up.  Walking the dog, having a cup of coffee, interacting with an annoying co-worker, thinking about a friend.
Now the hard part.  What thoughts were jumping around? It's a beautiful day, Jane thinks I'm stupid, I didn't hear from Max after I text him, I pissed him off, He hates me, the relationship is over, I killed that interview, these pants don't fit.
Notice that my random stream of ANTs were all over the place, good, bad, supportive, and just there.  For some reason, a majority of people will hold on to the unhelpful ones and we will feed them. Jane thinks I'm stupid, I am stupid because she asked me a question at work and I couldn't answer her, I did the paperwork wrong, I wear the same three pairs of shoes to work, I have no style....
Before we know it, we stop talking to people at work, we isolate ourselves, and those negative ANTs turn into Goliaths to where we cannot even acknowledge the thoughts of it's a beautiful day without it turning into yeah but I have work tomorrow and there will be Jane judging me, I haven't nothing new to wear, I'm a frump.
Those trains of thought run our emotions and we end up passengers at the back of the train.  It's the bumpiest part, you get food last if at all, bathrooms are probably back there and it stinks.  
FUCK THAT!
This is your train, get to the front, kick out that 2yo conductor and take charge. 
Oh if it's was that easy but it's not.
Depending on how long you've been riding this train, there could be many train cars you have to walk through.  It's overwhelming.  It will be hard. It will be outside of your comfort area.  I get it, I have my own train and I've been kicked out of the front car many of times and have to fight myself back to the front but each time it's a little easier and I learn more about myself.
Little changes.
That's it.  
Sometimes it's taking it one seat at a time, and other times you can walk through a train car in one fell swoop.  
But you got to DO SOMETHING, you got to do the WORK.

I'm doing my own work.  Last week I tried to walk through a few train cars at once.  It didn't work and I got jostled and slammed down in a seat.  That's o.k. I took a little break and here we are. 

My baby steps currently:
make better food choices, no alcohol

That's it.  If I do more than that, let's say work out, do some yoga during the week *high five* but based on my energy and mental bandwidth I'm keeping it small.

What's your baby step? Are you acknowledging the thoughts that support you, challenge you, and care for you? If you can't even see those thoughts, write down some supportive phrases you'd tell a friend, post them on your bathroom mirror, have them as your screen saver on your phone. Read them daily!

We got this!

Introverted Social Worker

Yep that's right, I'm an introvert and I'm a social worker. What the hell was I thinking?!  I've come to realize that I have to take my self care seriously for a few reasons.
While still active duty I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.  I have been on a handful of antidepressants over the years and have seen numerous therapist.  Over time and with some nudging from my Dad, I looked at my depression in a different light along with my string of failed relationships and was diagnosed with post traumatic disorder due to being sexually assaulted at my first military assignment.  I got some therapy focused on PTSD, during my graduate schooling for being a social worker, along with some individual therapy to help me sort through some things.  
Self care is repeated over and over during my grad school. Self care is important for EVERYONE but if you're in a helping profession, sometimes we forget ourselves and we do things that are not healthy due to being tired and drained from the day.
I have felt like I've been doing o.k. with this but Monday I felt I was losing some of my grip.  
As an introvert I NEED my time to recharge.  Being home in an empty apartment is fuel for my soul, along with eating healthy, and attempting to exercise regularly.  In the past 14 days I've had three days off.  As a former military person, this is a "whatever" schedule especially when you add a few 10 hour days in there.  But my job as a social worker is regularly more taxing mentally than my time in the service. It's normal for my brain to be done at the end of the day and I'm peopled out... not so much with my military time :P  
My two days off in a row were nice but I also went to a Pampered Chef party where I knew two people, and then a superbowl party where I sort of knew most of the guys.  Both things were nice and I was glad to get out and "mingle" but as an introvert, those two outings represented me not recharging much over the weekend along with being taxing and draining.
Monday at work I was so off!  I felt that my group sucked, my clients annoyed me, and I just wanted to withdraw and not talk to anyone.  I didn't even say bye when I left work :(  I was irritable and short.  I questioned my vocational choice, I questioned what I said in sessions, I questioned everything and my shit filter was on.  
Now, one thing about my current job is that it is PRN... as needed.  I don't work Monday-Friday with set hours.  At times it's chaotic, not knowing what is going to be tasked to me until I show up in the morning but leadership is working on having the taskings out prior to the morning of!  WOOT! With that change I was able to see that on Tuesday (prior to leaving work on Monday) that I was not running any groups in the morning, not even the afternoon groups, I had my individual sessions and a new client assessment.  That meant I didn't have to go in early in the morning!  I decided to go in around lunch.... plus our therapist have been over the allocated hours so we were told to be mindful of our hours and streamline what we can ;)
Yesterday morning was casual and all me!  I did some stuff around the apartment, researched stuff for clients over my coffee, and slowly got ready for my day!
I was recharged and felt back in peace with my life.  I didn't feel completely "on game" with one of the clients but over all the day went smooth and I came home in a good mood.  It also helps that my man went grocery shopping and had dinner cooking when I walked in the door ;)  
Just a few leisurely hours in the morning before work and it helped me get back on track!  I didn't do anything crazy but I did do things for me!  Things that I've put off for weeks for some reason or another.
Normally my work schedule gives me a day or two off during the week, but sometimes I work a weekend day.  I'm not a fan of working on weekends due to that being Joe's time off but having days off during the week when Joe is at work is refreshing to my soul and he gets this. My weekend work days gives him a time to refresh his soul and also get some school work done :P  
Self care is SO important!  I can't loose touch with myself and who I am because when I do I am not longer genuine with my clients and I don't want to "go through the motions" with them. 
They deserve so much more! and so do I!

The power of open communication

     This has been a weird week for me and I think it's manifested into some emotional turmoil.  Last Saturday I attended a funeral for a coworker from the CERFP.  I knew him a little, and felt I needed to show my support at his funeral.  We had a good turn out of UTANG people and it was a beautiful service.  I got more emotional than what I expected and when I got home I laid down and took a nap.  Emotionally I was drained.  
     I had my last group therapy meeting at the VA.  I've missed the past few sessions due to school and well..... excuses excuses.  I went, and it's a good group of people that I have spent Tuesdays nights with for many months.  Unfortunately this meeting just made me feel more broken than whole and I've been thinking about getting an individual therapist for awhile and this just made me want to do that more.  So, Tuesday was a long day and with an early day on Wednesday I was just spent, emotionally and now physically.
     Wednesday at school, the first class we had a guest speakers talk about death and dying and so that was hard.  Some classmates told some personal stories that got me tearing up again :(  Then I got stuck in my head, the beast had found a way in and he charged in with full force.  The beast, aka my depression, is the demon on my back that I am consistently aware of and I do everything in my power to keep him in check.  I tripped up in that delicate dance on Wednesday.
     The negative self talk was in full swing:  
           -Should I be a therapist with my own baggage, I can't even sit in this discussion about dying without crying?
           -Social Workers are known for being outgoing, talkative, and just the outgoing type person.  I am NOT that person and I have never been that person.
           -Everyone else can just go up and talk to the people, the guest speakers, the teachers, etc. and well... I'm do my business and leave.  How do they do that?  How do they have that openness to just go up and talk to people?
           blah
           blah
           blah
You get the idea :(
       After that class I had a 3 hour break before my next class and I had a chiropractor appointment.  The adjustment made me feel better, physically but mentally not so much.  I had lunch and then back to school.  I found myself snippy with classmates and just angry.  I went from depressed, self-questioning, self-defeating to bitch mode.  THAT's going to make it open for people to talk to me! ugh
      At lunch I told Shane how I was feeling.  When I got home we talked and I told him some of my fears and concerns with how I am feeling.  At one point I got angry with Shane, he was doing the guy thing in wanting to "fix" and educate me on what is going on and I'm just screaming inside "I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I'M GETTING A MASTER'S IN SW AND I LIVE WITH THIS DAILY! YOU ARE NOT TELLING ME ANYTHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW"  but I didn't say anything, I just let him talk.  I took some deep breaths and laid there (we were laying in bed talking).  I eventually got passed the emotional point and was at the just lay there and zone out in front of the t.v. point.  Shane left me alone at this point and that was fine.
      The one thing (of many) that Shane does so well is that he gives me my space.  We talked but it gets to the point where no words are needed and how I am, I just need to be alone.  He gets that.  If I have these dark moments that last a weekend,  he'll check on me, ask me if I need anything, but leaves me be.  This allows me as an introvert to "recharge" and battle the beast on my terms which allows m an intimacy with it to the point of recognizing it and knowing what I need to fight it.  
      I woke up on Thursday feeling lighter.  I believe that our short talk where I got my thoughts out to someone else, and then my own little introvert charge allowed me to get past this depression trap sooner than if I just came home and continued to stew in the vortex of doom.  
      If we don't get this repetitive, negative thoughts out of our brain they are trapped.  They are bouncing around in there just getting stronger and louder, they multiply and feed off the other negative thoughts!  By giving voice to them they flew away.  Once I said those things out loud, they went away, they lost their power!  Can it work if I'm not saying them to a person right next to me?  I dunno, but I might give that a try next time!  I don't want to let go of my poison just to inflict it on the person that I love.... thus an individual therapist ;)