The power of open communication

     This has been a weird week for me and I think it's manifested into some emotional turmoil.  Last Saturday I attended a funeral for a coworker from the CERFP.  I knew him a little, and felt I needed to show my support at his funeral.  We had a good turn out of UTANG people and it was a beautiful service.  I got more emotional than what I expected and when I got home I laid down and took a nap.  Emotionally I was drained.  
     I had my last group therapy meeting at the VA.  I've missed the past few sessions due to school and well..... excuses excuses.  I went, and it's a good group of people that I have spent Tuesdays nights with for many months.  Unfortunately this meeting just made me feel more broken than whole and I've been thinking about getting an individual therapist for awhile and this just made me want to do that more.  So, Tuesday was a long day and with an early day on Wednesday I was just spent, emotionally and now physically.
     Wednesday at school, the first class we had a guest speakers talk about death and dying and so that was hard.  Some classmates told some personal stories that got me tearing up again :(  Then I got stuck in my head, the beast had found a way in and he charged in with full force.  The beast, aka my depression, is the demon on my back that I am consistently aware of and I do everything in my power to keep him in check.  I tripped up in that delicate dance on Wednesday.
     The negative self talk was in full swing:  
           -Should I be a therapist with my own baggage, I can't even sit in this discussion about dying without crying?
           -Social Workers are known for being outgoing, talkative, and just the outgoing type person.  I am NOT that person and I have never been that person.
           -Everyone else can just go up and talk to the people, the guest speakers, the teachers, etc. and well... I'm do my business and leave.  How do they do that?  How do they have that openness to just go up and talk to people?
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You get the idea :(
       After that class I had a 3 hour break before my next class and I had a chiropractor appointment.  The adjustment made me feel better, physically but mentally not so much.  I had lunch and then back to school.  I found myself snippy with classmates and just angry.  I went from depressed, self-questioning, self-defeating to bitch mode.  THAT's going to make it open for people to talk to me! ugh
      At lunch I told Shane how I was feeling.  When I got home we talked and I told him some of my fears and concerns with how I am feeling.  At one point I got angry with Shane, he was doing the guy thing in wanting to "fix" and educate me on what is going on and I'm just screaming inside "I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I'M GETTING A MASTER'S IN SW AND I LIVE WITH THIS DAILY! YOU ARE NOT TELLING ME ANYTHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW"  but I didn't say anything, I just let him talk.  I took some deep breaths and laid there (we were laying in bed talking).  I eventually got passed the emotional point and was at the just lay there and zone out in front of the t.v. point.  Shane left me alone at this point and that was fine.
      The one thing (of many) that Shane does so well is that he gives me my space.  We talked but it gets to the point where no words are needed and how I am, I just need to be alone.  He gets that.  If I have these dark moments that last a weekend,  he'll check on me, ask me if I need anything, but leaves me be.  This allows me as an introvert to "recharge" and battle the beast on my terms which allows m an intimacy with it to the point of recognizing it and knowing what I need to fight it.  
      I woke up on Thursday feeling lighter.  I believe that our short talk where I got my thoughts out to someone else, and then my own little introvert charge allowed me to get past this depression trap sooner than if I just came home and continued to stew in the vortex of doom.  
      If we don't get this repetitive, negative thoughts out of our brain they are trapped.  They are bouncing around in there just getting stronger and louder, they multiply and feed off the other negative thoughts!  By giving voice to them they flew away.  Once I said those things out loud, they went away, they lost their power!  Can it work if I'm not saying them to a person right next to me?  I dunno, but I might give that a try next time!  I don't want to let go of my poison just to inflict it on the person that I love.... thus an individual therapist ;)