Headache and Self Care

Today is Tuesday and tomorrow I am taking a mental health day for which I am grateful for due to having a splitting headache for the better part of the day :(
Since the New Year we've been working and doing our thing.  We've had a few date nights enjoying the local area.  We've been busy but not terribly busy.  We enjoy the weekends that are never long enough but we do what we can!

A quick weekend away is scheduled for next weekend...a music festival with beer of course :P. It should be a good time to get away from here for a little staycation near by! 
Joe is enjoying his new job and adapting to the civilian way of work having to have had to hire and fire someone in about a couple of weeks of starting and is in the midst of hiring two more people.  Although I am working in a civilian function for the government there are tons of similarities between my work environment and being military.  Which adds to my work stress.

Work is full of typical work stressors along with the stressors that come with this type of work.  The balance of meeting the client where they are at but also aiding them in finding their motivation to move forward.  
The work of acknowledging that I will not always be the person that will help them forward and to be accepting of that.  I am human also and sometimes there is not that therapeutic connection that is needed for someone to be vulnerable to fully engage in therapy.  Some days it's a struggle to fully believe that and not beat myself up for not meeting my high expectations or expectations that I think others have for me.

My work is fulfilling, draining, amazing, and frustrating all in one day.  I get home and I'm mentally stressed and exhausted.  It's important for me to be tuned into my self and also make myself a priority...thus my mental health day tomorrow and my goal for taking at least one day a month off!
I'm so looking forward to unplugging tomorrow!

Work and the practice of not worrying....

I blog just to blog....not sure who randomly reads this and I don't give it much mind but it's a place for me to get stuff out there.  I use to be a big journaler but that has gone by the wayside and I tend to blog when I feel the journal urge.
Work is going well.  My hours fluctuate being PRN, I'm finding my therapy groove, getting use to coworkers (gotta have THAT one that you don't gel with....figured out who that is), and am being tested therapeutically with clients.
We had a young guy come in with severe OCD, he got trapped flushing his toilet for 7 hours at one time just to give a picture.  I am one of the "youngest" therapist on staff having graduated last year and guess who got him?! Yours truly!   I will say this kid is a hard worker and it has helped me out tremendously!  I have guided him, challenged him, and we are looking at discharging him this coming week :)  I can do this therapy thing! I still feel as if I'm "winging" it with some of the clients but it's working and they are getting better.  My "winging" it comes with education and some people knowledge so it's not a complete shot in the dark! LOL

As for the not worry aspect... I had a mammogram last week, and got a call back for more xrays.  The tech told me it's normal to get called back with the first one because they need to be able to compare images.  Well, not only did I have to get more pictures taken, I needed an ultrasound on both breast :( and now comes a needle biopsy.  This news was given to me three days ago.  Now I can freak the fuck out OR take it for what it is...more testing is needed as there is just enough chance of it being nothing as it being something.  Me getting into a funk, stressing, and putting my life on hold waiting for the next step is not going to change or fix anything.  So I wait for the call from the general surgeon to set up my biopsy appointment.  I am grateful that this was done now, I turn 40 in August and that's when I'd be due but the doc figured we'd just get it out of the way since I was getting an physical anyway.  When the nurse told me about the results, he asked some questions because "these things just don't spring up overnight".  I haven't had any "symptoms" and nothing was noticed during my annual exams.  I will admit I don't do regular self exams but knowing where the lumps are that are in question...I still can't find them when I look for them :(  I catch myself, well... my mind, starting to jump on the runaway train of worry but then I stop and breath.  I don't know anything for certain except I need more testing so we wait... I go to work and do what I can, focus on the now, and when the call comes I'll address things as they come.

Introverted Social Worker

Yep that's right, I'm an introvert and I'm a social worker. What the hell was I thinking?!  I've come to realize that I have to take my self care seriously for a few reasons.
While still active duty I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.  I have been on a handful of antidepressants over the years and have seen numerous therapist.  Over time and with some nudging from my Dad, I looked at my depression in a different light along with my string of failed relationships and was diagnosed with post traumatic disorder due to being sexually assaulted at my first military assignment.  I got some therapy focused on PTSD, during my graduate schooling for being a social worker, along with some individual therapy to help me sort through some things.  
Self care is repeated over and over during my grad school. Self care is important for EVERYONE but if you're in a helping profession, sometimes we forget ourselves and we do things that are not healthy due to being tired and drained from the day.
I have felt like I've been doing o.k. with this but Monday I felt I was losing some of my grip.  
As an introvert I NEED my time to recharge.  Being home in an empty apartment is fuel for my soul, along with eating healthy, and attempting to exercise regularly.  In the past 14 days I've had three days off.  As a former military person, this is a "whatever" schedule especially when you add a few 10 hour days in there.  But my job as a social worker is regularly more taxing mentally than my time in the service. It's normal for my brain to be done at the end of the day and I'm peopled out... not so much with my military time :P  
My two days off in a row were nice but I also went to a Pampered Chef party where I knew two people, and then a superbowl party where I sort of knew most of the guys.  Both things were nice and I was glad to get out and "mingle" but as an introvert, those two outings represented me not recharging much over the weekend along with being taxing and draining.
Monday at work I was so off!  I felt that my group sucked, my clients annoyed me, and I just wanted to withdraw and not talk to anyone.  I didn't even say bye when I left work :(  I was irritable and short.  I questioned my vocational choice, I questioned what I said in sessions, I questioned everything and my shit filter was on.  
Now, one thing about my current job is that it is PRN... as needed.  I don't work Monday-Friday with set hours.  At times it's chaotic, not knowing what is going to be tasked to me until I show up in the morning but leadership is working on having the taskings out prior to the morning of!  WOOT! With that change I was able to see that on Tuesday (prior to leaving work on Monday) that I was not running any groups in the morning, not even the afternoon groups, I had my individual sessions and a new client assessment.  That meant I didn't have to go in early in the morning!  I decided to go in around lunch.... plus our therapist have been over the allocated hours so we were told to be mindful of our hours and streamline what we can ;)
Yesterday morning was casual and all me!  I did some stuff around the apartment, researched stuff for clients over my coffee, and slowly got ready for my day!
I was recharged and felt back in peace with my life.  I didn't feel completely "on game" with one of the clients but over all the day went smooth and I came home in a good mood.  It also helps that my man went grocery shopping and had dinner cooking when I walked in the door ;)  
Just a few leisurely hours in the morning before work and it helped me get back on track!  I didn't do anything crazy but I did do things for me!  Things that I've put off for weeks for some reason or another.
Normally my work schedule gives me a day or two off during the week, but sometimes I work a weekend day.  I'm not a fan of working on weekends due to that being Joe's time off but having days off during the week when Joe is at work is refreshing to my soul and he gets this. My weekend work days gives him a time to refresh his soul and also get some school work done :P  
Self care is SO important!  I can't loose touch with myself and who I am because when I do I am not longer genuine with my clients and I don't want to "go through the motions" with them. 
They deserve so much more! and so do I!

MSW Supervision

I graduated with my MSW in Utah and I am now working toward my LCSW in Florida.  The rules are slightly different but supervision and tracking my client hours are still a must. In Utah, more than likely, you found a authorized supervisor wherever you got a job.  It's not required nor is it allowed that you PAY your supervisor.  Which makes sense to me.  Now that I'm in FL, it's the opposite.

I had to find a supervisor that would agree to see me before I could even apply for my intern clinical license AND I have to pay for my supervision.  At a minimum I have to see my supervisor every 2 weeks, but if I'm clocking in 15 hours of client face to face it has to be weekly and I'm paying him $40 a session (and that's cheap compared to some).  

I do enjoy meeting with my supervisor, and he's given me some good feedback and guidance in regards to moving forward and getting more experience about my career.  Last night we had supervision and in a way it feels, although limit on guidance in how to work with some clients, I am getting some good validation that I'm doing well by my clients.  I'm not getting overly challenged or questioned though :(  

At my first internship I worked with a woman, who was new in her LCSW, but rich in experience and she had a very great way of challenging me to have me think about my interactions with clients and what I could be doing better or different.  My first go round working with clients was a lot better because of her involvement, and she wasn't even my supervisor during that time, she was a therapist that enjoyed sharing knowledge with others.  

I had to find my supervisor here in FL by getting a list of authorized supervisors from the FL board.  I work with a couple of other CSWs and one's supervisor isn't supervising anymore and I'm not sure who the other one's are using.  I reached out to this guy on the list because he was older, had moved around (wasn't just from FL) and appeared to have a diverse set of experience in his background.  Two of the other CSWs that I work with have supervisors that focus on marriage and family stuff or have a religious base to their work (not something that I wanted).   We have met for a few times for my supervision and I do leave feeling like I'm on the right track but there is so much more that I need to learn and apply with my clients.  

Since I spoke to him last time I had two new experiences: working with a client in crisis and also working with a client that sees a demon and is hearing voices.  I told him about both interactions, how I worked with the clients and then asked for feedback or guidance in regards for these situations in the future.  Apparently my "gut response" for dealing with both clients was pretty close to doing what needs to be done. Which made me feel better because I was really over evaluating my work with the guy that is seeing a demon.  I calmed him down, I was scheduled to do his psychosocial assessment, and we were able to finish the assessment.  I didn't challenge his demon vision but asked questions about it to get a better understanding of how this demon is impact his and his family's life.  I acknowledged his pain and fear, explained what we can currently do, what I can do for him (which I did), and maintained that respect, non judgmental, accepting vibe with him throughout the session and afterwards when we spoke.  I am not this person's individual therapist so I won't be working with him anymore, but I am happy that I was able to make his intro onto our unit a little less stressful.  

One thing that is becoming apparent to me working on an in patient unit, is that the feelings of loneliness and hopelessness are crippling.  So many clients on their way off of the unit talk about how great it is to know "they are not alone" in their struggles.  That by reaching out, opening up, they are able to let go of some of their struggles to start to work through them.  Granted we have some folks that appear to "play the game" but I still do what I can for them with how they present, and then begin to challenge them a little more aggressively to get them moving forward.  

In today's world, with technology (tinder, FB, etc.), not only are we loosing our physical connections with people we are spending more time in our heads.  This is giving our "brain" power in which people think they have no control over their thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc. BUT it's the opposite.  We do have control, and a lot of these young folks struggle so much harder than they need to.  Not only are they so much "in their head" but they want everything NOW.  The time of working your way to the top is foreign to them, so when they don't get their dream job right out of the gate, it's a complete breakdown of self esteem and stoppage of life.  I have an individual that is early 20's, didn't make in this elite school, and now his life is over and he has no idea what he's going to do, what path he is going to get on, and the thought of working as a maintenance/cleaning person for 3 years while he finishes out his military commitment has led him to our unit for treatment.  I can understand the heartbreak and disappointment for not making it in what he had planned and prepped for, but I struggle to wrap my head around the finality of the feeling as if things are hopeless now.  

My job, at times, is shining a spotlight on hope until my clients are empowered and can grab a hold of their future.  

not going to miss January

January has not been nice to me.  Prior to New Years I had a cough, a throat tickle that just lingered.  After the 1st it grew into a head cold that progressively got worse no matter what I did or medications I tried.  Around 14 Jan my teeth started to hurt with all of my sinus pressure so it was off to the urgent care to get some prescription meds.... oh and during this time is when I let Ms. Sami go :(  

With steroids and antibiotics on board my head cold started to clear up! YEAH!  I started to feel better to the point of that I starting to work out!  On the 18th I did some elliptical work and the next day did a PiYo workout.  I was on the upswing of a rough January and then it felt like I got hit by a Mac truck!  

I was sore, I knew I would be due to working out, but this was abnormal.  It progressively got worse on the 20th.  My whole body ached, my head was pounding, and I was running a slight fever.  I laid on the couch with a cool compress on my head and Joe asked "do we need to go to the ER", no.... let me make it through the night and see how I feel in the morning. He was concerned but respected what I said...and after I recovered he told me that I scared the shit out him that night :(  Thursday morning I woke up, still weak and in pain.  I slowly got up and when I looked in the mirror it looked as if I had a severe sunburn.  I had a solid rash from my neck down...I was having an allergic reaction to the medications.
I asked Joe to take me to the ER and off we went.  
Years ago I had a similar reaction to amoxicillin, so now I can add sulfa drugs to my "allergies" :(  I'm running out of drugs to utilize when I'm feeling sick :(
I'm on round two of steroids in one month and I'm not a fan. I'm grateful that they are clearing up my stuff, but I feel jittery and "off".  

In the midst of this crazy month for me my outlook and presence is still happy!  I have noticed it and I'm amazed with it.  This month has been a struggle, and there are things that I haven't listed here that are more of an emotional struggle with some family members, but my "practice" of being present, of being honest about my feelings and needs with Joe, being open to him when he does the same thing to me, accepting things, not judging or overanalyzing things, has given me a sense of contentment and peace that has lifted weight from my soul.  

My work is a place of fulfillment and frustrations, just like anyone's job, but I am grateful for this opportunity and I am finding my place in the workplace.  My initial job evaluation went well.  I have days where I feel I am doing well with my clients and other days where I feel that I'm missing the mark but I'm still growing, and always will, as a therapist.  I had a meeting with the Red Cross the other night which was good, was able to meet some of the other volunteers and get a better understanding of what will be expected whenever I get called out to a fire.  Joe and I were invited to meet with some of my coworkers for dinner this past weekend and it was nice to be invited and to see people outside of work :)  and yesterday I was invited to a Pampered Chef party.  Yes it's dorky but being new to a place, new people, it's hard to feel like you belong so it feels good that they feel like they can invite me now to functions outside of work!

Driving home yesterday after the sun was setting and driving over the bridge to the PCB side I smiled :)  I am blessed in this life and I hope I can share that with others!

Business of reality and struggles

As a social worker I expect to hear stories that make me question humanity.  Working with military I expect to hear the stories and struggles of war but yesterday I heard stories of the war that is going on here in the U.S.  We see it on the news, the fighting in the streets of cities and children being killed but it's (for most of us) not a part of our reality.  A client spoke of his childhood, at 13 years old he saw a "friend" shoot a man in the face over some money that was owed. They ran and this client never told his family and just dealt with seeing that trauma.  He didn't see his "friend" until he was older and it was scary for him and eventually this "friend" ended up in jail.  This client then went on to talk about all the murders that happened in his neighborhood, a kid was stabbed numerous times and help took 2 hours to show up because the area wasn't safe.  This is just one person's childhood in the U.S.  
We are living in a world where some people don't understand the finality of death, it's a way to handle a minor dispute. Then we have our soldiers coming back from war scarred and fractured because of the things they have had to do.  I find myself struggling to help them.  Life is hard I tell them, it sucks and it will beat you down, but they have the strength within them to persevere but THEY have to do it.  As a therapist I can give them all the tools that I can, we can talk about things, process them and get to a good place but THEY have to do the work and THEY have to maintain a practice to keep moving forward.  
A majority of the guys struggle with the "why" of life, they stumble around looking for hope for their future, they want answers and a reason for things.  I think they are surprised when I tell them more than likely they won't ever get an answer to their "why" that will satisfy their question. Why did a teenager shoot another person in the face over some money?  What answer could be given that could possibly put one's mind at ease for clarity and closure?  Any answer given will just produce more a string of Why?

I am a big pusher of being present and building one's awareness of self.  It's a struggle at times but it helps to keep one calm and reality centered.  Some people latch onto this practice, I have one client that is soaking it in like a sponge, but others still want answers, they want revenge, they have to understand..... the concept of just being able to control one's self is an absurd thought.  I will continue trying with these individuals, finding a place to meet them to allow them to let go of some of their toxic baggage.  We have a little under 20 clients on the unit now and I wish I could interact with each one and help them as much as I can but I don't have the capabilities or the time which in itself is a disservice to their care.

This past weekend I took Sami girl in for some shots.  The vet place I go to has a handful of veterinarians and each time I've gone Sami has met with a different one.  They all have been nice and good with their job but each one had a different view on Sami.  In Utah I noticed that Sami's hind legs were not working as well as they should.  She would get the Bambi legs on slippery floors and struggled to get them back under her. Over the months it has gotten slightly worse.  Before we moved to Florida I had her shaved and normally her coat will grow back rather fast, she is still looking shaved and it's been about 3 months.  She's had some skin issues and in N.C. the vet brought up cushing's.  I had some test done with neg results, oh, her liver enzymes are off too...  We get to FL and I do a test a Cushing's and to check her thyroid and everything checks out.  I'm thinking she's going to be 12 in 2016, she's getting old so all this stuff is par for the course.... 
This Saturday the vet brought up the possibility of degenerative myelopathy (DM).  She did some quick checks on Sami's back legs and based on her lack of reaction she feels as if it's a neurological issue and not something else. I looked up DM and a little over 50% of pem corgi's can suffer from this.  It is not painful but over time she will gradually loose function of her back legs.  The vet brought up the future use of a wheelchair.  Reading numerous websites they state the progression to be 6 months to a 1 year before the dog is a paraplegic.  If Sami does have DM and I recall seeing this start in Utah we are around 7 months into this progression. Needless to say I came home and cried.  Then I thought about the wheelchair thing, and my gut is a strong no!

I love Sami, she is such a blessing to me, but she is still a dog that deserves a good quality of life.  If she cannot walk and looses her independence what will that do to her spirit?  In this day and age we want to extend people's lives and our pets but at what cost?  I found a facebook page that is a support group for owners whose dogs have DM.  I see a lot of post of people who are struggling with their dogs, they have the carts for them, but this disease doesn't stop at their hind legs.  It progressively moves up their body where they loose control of their bowels, get increase UTIs due to issues and then eventually loose motion in their front legs.  Why would I want to keep Sami around when she can't move without dragging herself and then will be laying in her own waste until I clean her up and a lady post about trying to express her dog?!  Will Sami know what is going on with her?  I'm guessing not!  I am crying just typing this, knowing that I will have to put her to sleep.  I have been hoping that Sami would just go in her sleep with her old age :P  It's going to be hard...but I have more time with her.  She struggles but she is still very capable of making it around the small block in our apartment.  I have her on some meds for her other stuff and we'll keep pressing on until that day comes.  She's a trooper!

I had some other news this past weekend but am still processing it and am not at liberty to share what it is. Life is constantly changing and I'm trying to utilize my therapy guidance of not forcing answers, not looking for reasons I will never understand or be content with....

New Challenges

My week of being off of school and work is coming to an end.  I'm trying to get stuff done this week but at the same time enjoying some much needed down time.  I've been cleaning and did a little shopping for me :)  I'm not a big shopper so that can be stressful and frustrating but I bought some cute little things so that was nice.
Yesterday I went down to my next year's practicum sight.  Since it's a nonprofit and sort of with the VA there is a lot of paperwork, security clearance, special CAC card, to mention a few things.  I've been emailing with my new supervisor trying to get this stuff started prior to me going back to work so there isn't a delay when I want to start work in August.  Plus, I'll be doing a work study so I'll be getting a little bit of money (minimum wage little).  After a lot of back and forth we got a time and day settled upon and I went down to town yesterday.
Most of the time was BSing, and from what I can tell social workers are talkers.  I am going to school to talk story! ha ha ha  I am all for talking story but there are times when it's not feasible and at times it's hard for me to enjoy the talk.  Yesterday I had a headache all day, so it was hard for me to be engaged with the story talking.  Plus, the topic was politics.  These two, the current intern was there, were knowledgeable with the politics.  I'm not a big political person.  It is interesting to me, but I do not feel that I know all that I need to know to be a part of a conversation on politics.  I did learn a little something about my supervisor: he's in the Army guard or reserves, and he's done an LDS mission.  The other intern also has some history in the Army, couldn't tell if she was still in and I didn't feel the need to ask during the time I was there.  While I was there, and I was there for about 2 hours, I didn't see one client come in.  So, I'm going assume a lot of their clients come in later in the day (after normal work hours).  My last practicum was like that and it makes sense.  There was an older Army vet that volunteers there at the front desk.  I liked him, he was an helicopter pilot :), I would have enjoyed talking story with him for those 2 hours!  Anyhoo... I did not fill out any paperwork there!  Supervisor asked me a few questions, filled out a form, and emailed it off to whomever.  I was then given a name at the HR department at the VA that I needed to get into contact with.  I was heading to the VA anyway to apply for Voc Rehab so not a big deal.  But, while sitting there I was informed and told about how the HR dpt isn't the most helpful with the Vet Center, that I'm really going to have to nag them to ensure I get my stuff taken care of.  So with that impression off to the VA I go.
I check in at the front, tell the lady whom I'm there to see and she makes a phone call.  She'll be right up, this was about noon.  Ten minutest later the lady calls again and there is no answer so she "assumes" she's coming up to get me.  Another 10 minutes go by I ask if it's better if I just make an appointment.  She calls again and sends me back.  Apparently, this other lady thought I was coming back....
Anyhoo... the lady that I worked with was nice, helpful, and informative.  My time there wasn't too long and I left feeling like it was productive!  I thanked her for seeing me, since I was just a walk in, and off to the other VA area that was also quick and  productive.

Going from a military get things done mind frame a social worker mind frame can be a challenge.  Switching from talk talk talk to let's get down to work and handle this situation makes my head spin, especially when it happens like it did yesterday!  On Saturday it's back to boots and uniform.  I'll be working with my unit over the summer to help out.  I need to switch my view point, my attitude, and my mind frame.

Another thing that came up during talk story time was essential oils!  What the hell?  I guess I shouldn't be surprised due to Utah have two of the major EO sellers.  My supervisor's wife uses doTerra for some issues she has and he was talking about the overwhelming smell at night when she uses it (and how expensive it is).  The other intern talked about how people just dump them on when they just need a drop to do the trick (which is true).  I didn't say anything about my usage of doTerra.  Not that I was embarrassed but the vibe wasn't an open one.
I have noticed an improvement in my own well being in regards my usage of essential oils.  They have helped my well being mentally and physically.  If people become curious about who I am and how I maintain my health I will tell them about the oils but I don't jump in with "there is an oil for that" if someone starts to complain about something.  I do find it interesting that people are quick to "trust" an over the counter medication with all it's side effects but questions the benefits of essential oils that have been used since the beginning of time and are more natural than all the drugs that people are putting into their bodies!  We put a lot of faith into the white lab coats, and there are times where they need to help out but initially why not try a more natural remedy to aches, pains, illness, mental health, etc.?  If the oils don't work out, see that doctor!  It's been working for me, and since I've been using the oils, I haven't gone to the local pharmacy or to the doctor when I've gotten ill.