I've been blogging about the workouts on my Team Beachbody. The site has been good for me to monitor my work outs, up to today I've completed 33 workouts since 4 March :) Through the website I was invited to join a FB community that has also helped with my motivation. So far this whole thing has been a win win. I'm waiting on my next order of Shakeology though :( I slacked on watching the order and now I've been without for 2 days! Ugh... at work I noticed the difference. Coffee is good but for the maintained energy... not so much! Fingers crossed that it comes in today or tomorrow at the latest!
Since my last post there hasn't been anything new in my life. The U.S. on the other hand, the Supreme Court saw a couple of cases last week in regards to same sex marriages. I have a mix of people on FB, from the far right to the far left. When it comes to politics, there is usually a broad range of views that go flying around. On these issues, there wasn't a lot of divide :) There was a sea of this type of picture in support of equality:
Some of the different types via HRC's website:
AWESOME!
Another thing that was on/in the news was and is sex abuse in the military. They had some stories on NPR, with interviews and discussions. I would listen to these on the way to work. Probably not the best idea but one story caused me to type out my own story. I don't know who reads my blog, and I don't really care. I do this for my own therapeutic reason, writing about things to me is relaxing and for some items allows me to let things go. I write about stuff, and I'm done with it. I feel strongly about human rights, but the sex abuse in the military.... It hits just a tad bit closer to home, I'm part of that statistic ;) Here's my story:
I head out to work about 0510 for work, and on that 40-45
minute commute I usually listen to NPR.
It keeps me engaged. Sometimes
their stories and news reporting makes me emotional but that is good, I am
staying connected and am acknowledging the world and struggles outside of my
personal existence.
About a month or so ago I saw the movie, “The Invisible War”
at work. Yep, at work we were allowed
and encouraged to watch a movie. All of
the commanders of all of the National Guard bases were called to D.C. and they
had to view this movie, and to bring more awareness and light to this issue in
the military. If you haven’t heard there
is a sexual assault/rape problem in the armed forces. The Pentagon even states that “more than 1 in
4 women who join the military will be sexually assaulted during their
careers”. In the movie “The Invisible
War” I was shocked to hear that when the court dismissed the survivors’ lawsuit
they stated that “rape is an occupational hazard”. If that is the case, females should get
hazard duty pay as soon as they join the military!
Recently in the news there have been a few incidents of
commander’s overruling the sentencing of predators. According to the laws, they can do that and
the government can do nothing about it!
This is an outrage to ANY victim, male or female. We all know that when we join the military we
are giving up some of our rights as United States citizens, but we are NOT aware
that the country that we are signing up to protect with our lives if asked to
is no longer going to protect us in our time of need.
I am part of that statistic.
I have no problem telling my story and I do tell it when I feel there is
a need or if it would benefit another but I’m not waving that flag of victim. I am no longer a victim, and I do not need
the “I’m sorry’s” that accompany that part of my life. I was not raped but I was sexually
assaulted. It was by someone I
knew. I still struggle, at times, with
the mental fall out and it has caused problems in my relationships ever
since.
In the NPR story that was aired this morning, http://www.npr.org/2013/03/21/174840895/sexual-violence-victims-say-military-justice-system-is-broken#commentBlock,
a woman made the comment, “I’ve never met one victim who was able to report the
crime and still retain their military career, not one”.
I beg to differ. I am
one.
I joined the Air Force in 1994 and was assaulted at my first
base. Based on my circumstances, who I
am, maybe even luck and some blessings, I was able to continue with my
career. I’m not going to go into
specifics; there is really no reason for that.
It happened at night in my dorm room, I woke up to a man beside me in my
bed, I screamed and I fought even though this guy was a lot bigger than
me. I am a petite girl and my response,
I’m assuming, was not expected because he ran.
Due to my commotion, there were witnesses to him running out of my room
with me chasing him out. Within the
minutes, a first sergeant was called and the security forces were off to his
room.
Before I continue, here is a little back story. Dorm life in the military is similar to dorm
life in college. You make friends with
people in the dorms, you see these people every day, and sometimes even work
with these folks, dating happens, gossip, he said /she said… regular drama that
accompanies 18-25 year olds living together.
Prior to my assault I heard rumors of a couple of civilian girls that
were molested in our dorm by this guy we knew.
We weren’t close but he was around when everyone was hanging out, I
considered “him” an acquaintance. I
didn’t poke around about these rumors and I really didn’t see the girls much
around the dorms so I didn’t focus on it.
I should have…
Back to that night, he was taken into custody and I was
grateful that he was not a part of my squadron.
I did a statement, the witness’s did statements. I called my supervisor to let her know I
wasn’t going to make it into work that day, I told her why and that it was a
long night, and then I called my parents.
My Dad asked if I needed to take some leave, time off, more than just a
day or two. I, thinking I was good, said
no and that it will be good for me to focus on something other than what
happened with work. I was wrong.
I started to close in on myself, I couldn’t make eye contact
with people, and if I could have worn a uniform that was 10 times too big for
me I would have. I wanted to disappear
into the sidelines of life so no one would look at me. I knew I needed to get away from that
environment. I spoke with a mental
health professional right after it happened, they were useless to me. I recall telling them what was going on and
how I was feeling, I was told that’s normal.
That’s it. No group sessions, no follow
up, no tools to help me recover and deal with what was going on. I requested to take leave to go spend a week
or so with my parents who were living in Nevada at the time. I was told no. My Dad got involved (he was an officer in the
AF at the time), but he called my commander as a concerned parent and I was givin the go ahead to take some time off. I do
not recall anyone in my chain of command showing concern for me, no questions,
no support, nothing. If my Dad did not
call the commander so I could take leave, I would have been worse off. I was falling into a deep hole fast and I was
standing alone.
When I returned from my leave, I had a focus. I was going to find these two other females
that I heard rumors about and get them to testify with me. He was not getting away with this. Court martials don’t happen overnight, the
guy was released but with restrictions during the wait. I was always on guard, acutely aware of
everyone around me when I managed to venture out other than to work. During this whole process I received orders
to Okinawa, Japan. I was able to find
the two other girls and give their information to the lawyers. I spoke with both of them prior and told them
what happened to me, saying I heard rumors of him assaulting them, and that I
was not letting this guy go without a court martial.
Other than my own mental struggles during this time, people
at work were clueless and treated me as such.
I was grateful to be moving to a different country. I would have to be flown back for the court
martial. It’s been about 18 years since
all this happened but some things will always stick with me.
The assault, the feeling of panic of terror. The anger. The wanting to blend in and hide
from life and everyone in it. The fact
that my commander at the time, a female, never said a word to me. The first sergeant who’s whole purpose in
life is to take care of the enlisted, not a word. I had to fight to take leave. The mental health professionals telling me
I’m normal and sending me on my way…. The feeling of being victimized all over again
on the stand during the court martial.
The jury is made up of your peers. These are people that you work with day in
and day out. If they didn’t know of the
incident before then, they knew all about it when they sat on my jury. The embarrassment, the shame of seeing your
coworkers in the jury and having to take the stand and tell your story. On the stand my integrity was assaulted, and
as a military member this is the core of who we are. I was tried to be made out to be a racist,
that I led him on, any way for it to be my fault.
He was found guilty on numerous accounts and got a trip to
Leavenworth. I would get letters when it
was time for him to be up for parole.
I’m assuming he is out now. He turned 21 on the day of his
sentencing. His parents were there, they
blamed his poor behavior on drinking. They
felt that if he wasn’t drinking he wouldn’t have done those things, I beg to
differ. There were three of us females
that took the stand against him, his behavior was escalating, he was getting
bolder in his assaults, and we were all small petite females. I feel that if we didn’t come forth, he would
have begun to rape his victims.
I mentioned that I was blessed earlier. I feel that way because I was no longer at
that base after the court martial. I
didn’t have to work with people who sat on my jury and continually be judged. I tried to compartmentalize that whole
episode with that base. It hasn’t
worked.
While in Japan those demons that were buried and left at the
last base reared up with my relationships.
I ended up on anti-depressants and in group therapy. This group consisted of women from different
services, the Marines, Army, and Navy. I
heard the same thing over and over… I went to my higher ups and as one Marine
said was told to “suck it up and get back to work”. I was disgusted. I felt like I didn’t belong in that group
because I was able to put the guy away, I felt too ashamed to share my story. I was able to see justice done, I left
everyone that was a part of that behind, I felt like a fraud. I never went back.
I have problems in relationships that repeat over and
over. My Dad says I have PTSD. I’m in a constant search of reaching my “normal”.
I’ve tried numerous anti-depressants,
acupuncture, and some other ancient Eastern stuff to help find balance,
looked in the bible, looked at and still looking at Buddhism, exercising…. I’m
still trying to get there. I can still remember how I was in relationships
prior to the assault, I was different, I was strong, I was not afraid to make a
move. I can’t even verbalize what it is;
I have buried it for so long but in relationships after relationships when it
comes to the physical aspect I want to blend into the sidelines. I try to break free but this “thing” always
reaches up, taps me on the shoulder and starts to emotionally badger me, it’s a
constant tether. I am very protective of
females. I am always aware of men, their vibes, the interactions and I will
give my life to stop anything from happening to any female. No one needs this demon that never goes away.
I am an Airman, I am a proud member of the United States
military and I serve with integrity.
After 10 years of active duty, 8 years of reserve and guard duty, 6
moves, numerous temporary duty assignments (TDYs) I am still here.
After living somewhere for four years I get the “itch” to
move. I say this due to the military
life, but now after writing this maybe I’m just still running from that first
base where I became a statistic.
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