Week 4 completed at work

Not good with titles and when I started down to write about this past week...I had nothing.  Maybe it was because it was a regular week.  

I'm still learning stuff at work but also a lot of down time at work :(. Still no schedule but I am getting consults for people that cannot be booked! Not good!  I thought I had a plan B but that failed and now I'm on plan C....we will see how it works with this coming week!

This past Monday manning was strained due to people calling in sick.  So I was given the opportunity to step up and see some same day clients.  It was a good learning experience and I was able to get that OJT type of training, the training that works for me once I've watched others.  I ended up seeing 3 people and I felt things went rather smoothly.  The longest part of patient care is the documentation and it's doubly long for me due to not being familiar with all of the parts of the electronic records.  I'll get it though the more I use it!

One thing I DO NOT like is typing on the computer while talking to a patient.  I'd rather face them and hand write stuff to be inputted to the note later.  It feels impersonal for me to be talking to someone and typing while they are talking especially if they are emotional.  I am unable to see their facial, physical, little nuances if I'm looking at a computer screen.  I was speaking with a veteran and he got teary eyed and I was able to comment on that and bring more information out of him.  If I was focused on typing the the computer, that moment would have been lost.

Still working on my "grove".  With that Monday of stepping up I got a chip for 59 free minutes to use when I want...leave early, long lunch etc., so that is cool!

It was a short week with Friday being a holiday so that is nice!  Thursday we checked out the local cidery and I really enjoyed being able to try different types of ciders!  

I just clarified with Joe that we've been here almost two months but it feels longer.  Since living here I have only seen 3 moose! Joe has seen more :( and he also saw a wolf on base!  The days are getting shorter daily but I've been consistent with my vitamin D supplement and using my happy light.  The gym usage..... ugh, it's ugly and I still haven't made it back.  I need to play with the days that I go.  I don't do well trying to go during the week.  I can make it during the beginning of the week but by Wednesday on my motivation and energy to go is close to nonexistent.  SO today, which is Saturday, I am going to attempt....NO I will go to the gym while Joe does some school work.  Joe is plugging along with his degree and had a driving test with UPS on Friday, which he passed, for some seasonal work.  He's been keeping himself busy with school work, job hunting, and networking.  Joe is the extrovert between the two of us and he needs more social interaction that I do but he helps me get out more.  

Last night we had food and drinks with our neighbors.  First off it's awesome to just throw my slippers on and walk over for a hang out!  We had a wonderful time munching on good food, drinks, and conversations.  Prior to going over there I was in a mood but I had some alone time, did my own thing, and by the time we came home I was doing well and today I'm feeling good (thus a good time to hit the gym right?!). 

I find that when I am able to focus on things outside of myself  my moods are not as intense and debilitating.  Being in a depressed bitchy mood for a majority of the day yesterday was switched by focusing on Joe, getting out, and then having dinner with friends.  Now if I spent yesterday focusing on my thoughts, feeding them, over thinking things, and never turning my focus outward I will place money on the table that I would still be in that mood, if not worse, today.  

Being active in our own life allows us to be in more control.  When making an active decision to think a certain way, view something, not do something.... THAT is what is in our control.  We cannot control people or things or anything in life other than our selves.  Once we harness that, life is less stressful and it is more enjoyable!

Part 2 Advocare and onward to my "L"

The cleanse portion is over, now it's on to the next phase... the "max phase".  The three products that we are now taking are to "work together to provide you with sustained energy, appetite control, core nutrition and overall wellness".  I am grateful that the first day of this new phase I am off of work, so I can see how this will play out over the day.  There is more things to take, with some being required to be taken 30 minutes prior to eating.  So again....back to time management :P  

We've been doing pretty well with the clean eating, only a couple of setbacks ( I blame the weekend :P ).  Now that I'm over that blasted head cold I can incorporate working out now also.  Yesterday morning was the first day I managed to make it to the gym here at our apartment.  Nothing like working out at 5 am and then working until 6pm at night! Long day! ugh  So with this new max phase we will see how my energy and everything else goes!

As mentioned, I've been working pretty steady with long days trying to keep my had above water with figuring out how to do everything.  Rumor has it another PRN therapist has been hired and he's prior AF so that should be good.  Plus, currently all the therapist are females so the docs (who are male) are probably glad to get another male in the ranks.

My meeting with the potential supervisor went well so I have secured that and now I'm applying to get my intern license. One more step closer to my "L".  Now a hangup is getting my NGB22 which shows my military history/separation.  Apparently a retirement order doesn't work :(  So I'm making phone calls, leaving messages, and trying to get that handled.  Fun times!

One thing about living here is that there is always something to do here!  This past weekend we attended Unwined which I have described as speed wine tasting.  We tried a handful of wines and walked away with a nice one that supports military members!  Since it was at Pier Park, we walked over and had dinner at Hofbrau Beer Garden and then over to Tootsies for a couple of drinks and some people watching!  We took it easy on Saturday and then took in a Bluegrass and Folk Music Festival which was very relaxing.  It was at a park on the water.  Sunday was a lazy day, I took care of things and Joe went for a ride and then that evening we took a ride together.  We stopped at had salads at Longhorn Steakhouse and the manger, David, hooked us up with a free desert!  We couldn't be rude and it was yummy.  On the way out we talked with David some more, about the area...he gave us some local hot spot recommendations.  People are friendly and welcoming here and we are enjoying it here immensely! On Wednesday the big bike week is started so this weekend we'll probably check that out...and who knows what else. Unfortunately I'm working on Sunday :( 

My parents will be here next week so that should be interesting :P  I'll work every other day next week while they are here so they can have some free time in the area and then we'll have days to do stuff together.  I think that is why I'm working Sunday... since I have a weird schedule next week.  

Cleanse and Work!

I am on day 5 of the 24 day challenge.  If time management skills are a frustration for you, this may not be the cleanse/program for you!  
Over all it's not bad.  I never feel hungry with the amount of water I'm drinking now, which is good.  I was worried about the cleanse because I had visions of spending a lot of time in the bathroom, I am going pee a lot but the "cleansing" portion isn't bad for me.  I say "for me" because everyone is different.  As I've mentioned, Joe and I were not terrible overly unhealthy eaters so the switch hasn't been a dramatic change.  Granted, with starting a new job I would have LOVED to have a glass a wine here and there but that's a no go :(  Alcohol is in the "limit and avoid" list.  

It's hard to tell how I'm feeling right now due to a head cold, but I can say that compared to past head colds, I do feel mentally more clear during this time, I feel that I'm communicating better (which is good because I'm a therapist and having a "foggy brain" is not a good thing), and I don't feel as run down even though my body is fighting off this illness.  

So far I'm enjoying the Advocare 24 day challenge.  

Their Spark drink is their energy booster.  You drink it first thing in the morning and if needed in the afternoon.  I haven't missed not having my daily cup of coffee in the morning.  You can have coffee but I tend to use a good amount of sugary cream in my coffee, so for me I've had to take coffee out of the equation for me right now.  The Spark drink doesn't make me jittery, and it's like a low key wake me up.  I've only taken Spark once in the afternoon and again, not a drastic increase in energy but a nice sustained focus for my afternoon.
One of my concerns was the schedule, do this 30 min before you eat, do this at this time.... I was worried how that would work with my work schedule, hell even my life.  Overall, it's been working out nicely.  I haven't been timing myself all the time, but I am aware of my body with when I feel like I need to be eating and also ensuring I'm drinking water regularly throughout the day.  Additionally, being new to Florida and all the new restaurants I was bummed to think we were on an eating out ban during this challenge.  Not so.  We just have to pick things that match our allowed food suggestions.  We had a early dinner at a beach restaurant, it overlooked the beach....absolutely beautiful!  We had tuna sashimi, and a fish creole dish with beans and rice.  DELICIOUS!  

Today is the first day that I'm drinking one of their meal replacement shakes, chocolate mocha, and I must say it is YUMMY!  You can do a replacement shake, of course, to replace a meal but it's optional.  Thus far, I've been packing my lunch and making a breakfast before going to work (usually a oatmeal with peanut butter and honey) but I felt lazy this morning and wanted to give the shake a try.  I'm impressed with how good it taste and it mixes well with no big chunks or weirdo taste.  

Since I have been fighting this head cold I have yet to incorporate working out but soon!


I'm in my second week at work and it's been a typical baptism by fire situation.  After three days at work, I had two groups by myself.  Technically I wasn't suppose to be running the groups by myself (I was suppose to lead and have a co-facilitator) but my wingman had some fires she needed to put out so I was on my own.  My first group focused on emotional baggage and I tried to give examples and relatable stories to my audience, which are mostly active duty military with a few retired or separated veterans.  There were two members that had sat through that education before (they've been there  a little bit longer than some of the others) and they both said they got more out of my way of explaining it than last time!  *high five* and I had a member stop me in the hall and told me he appreciated what I had to say also.... I'm glad I got to at least a few of them, got them thinking about their emotional baggage, and hopefully motivated them to start unpacking some of the stuff they've been holding on to.  It's a good group of folks, there is a good amount of them that are talkative and will share in group.... is it because they are military or because they are at a place, personally, that allows them to open up? Who knows...  Either way I'm grateful to be working were I am at, working with my brothers and sisters and aiding them in their recovery.

I have a meeting with a potential supervisor today at lunch. Florida is different from how my supervision would look like in Utah.  First off, I have to pay for supervision!  Ugh :(  I emailed the Florida board to get a list of authorized supervisors in the area and made a call yesterday to a gentlemen that has been working in the social work realm for about 25 years.  I wanted to avoid the fresh off the boat supervisors.  Additionally I cannot apply for my Intern Clinical Social Work license until I have a supervisor!  I was worried about doing therapy without my intern license but after talking to the other therapist at work, it's not an issue! In Utah you cannot do therapy until you have your Clinical Social Work license!  You can apply for that prior to even having a supervisor lined up and you do not pay for supervision in Utah.  Weird waters I'm navigating here in FL. Hopefully Ed will be a good fit for me, and vice versa, and I won't have to delay counting my hours longer than I need to. I need to ponder if I want to count my hours here and use them to apply for my LCSW license for Utah also.... hmmm Things to ponder.

End of Week Three

I still feel as though I'm keeping my head above water.  I have yet to figure out a good balance between my personal life (up keep of house/laundry/relationship), school work, and my internship!  There is so much reading.  I'm writing a minimum of 1 paper a week and it's going to be bumped up to 2 a week here shortly, don't even ask me how many papers I'm reading on average!  I have 7 books for my 6 classes and a lot of teachers have you read articles/essays/watch movies/etc.  I'm enjoying most of my classes.  There is one that is torture to sit in, basically lecture style, but we have group assignments/presentations starting up soon so that should break that torture!  There is SO much to learn and I'm drinking from a fire hose!

My internship is no different.  I'm blessed in that the person I spend the most time with loves to teach, she is a fountain of knowledge and we have a lot of conversations on practicing Social Work.  There is so much and I want to do right by the clients that I will eventually have.  I'm still trying to figure out my foundation and I'm leaning toward the Humanistic foundation, big surprise right?!  I'm still learning about all the foundations out there, but that one speaks me to more than the others.  We will see where I will be once I start working with clients!  

Last weekend, Shane joined me for an evening lecture about "Atheist In Foxholes" given by the president of MAAF (Military Assoc. of Atheist and Freethinkers).  It was pretty interesting it was about bringing awareness that the military is not just your mainstream religions and that society puts out messages like it's unAmerican to be unChristian and what does that tell nonChristians serving in the military?  Military members can put Atheist on their dog tags but you cannot put Humanistic, it's not an option.  I asked if I could put Spiritual on my dog tags just a year or so ago and I was told I could put Atheist, well I'm not an Atheist so I just put something :(  People that are Atheist or Humanist don't have a venue for their belief to where they can talk with like minded people.  You can request a Wiccan service so why is there such a block on Atheist being able to meet with others to talk about their views?!  Pretty interesting stuff.  One statement that really stuck with me was when the speaker said something to the effect of: Evangelism is cultural suicide.  Think about that!

Shane is in MO right now for his niece's wedding.  I was suppose to go but with my internship and work it just wasn't good timing :(  I'm looking forward to pictures!  Being home alone this weekend has been relaxing and I've been able to get a lot done but I'm missing my man.  Sami has been limping pretty bad all weekend (been carrying her up and down the stairs).  She was out front and it seemed as if some boys were teasing her by riding their scooters in front of her.  By the time I got outside they were down the street and Sami was limping :(  It seems to be getting better but if she's still limping pretty bad then we'll be going to the vet tomorrow.  

I'm still using my essential oils.  I just put in my last big order, from now on it's going to be an oil here and an oil there.  With no real income coming in I need to keep and eye on that :(  I did buy their vitamins and I'm looking forward to try them out.  I've been doing pretty better on maintaining that part of my healthiness routine.  I was doing well with maintaining my T25 this week.  It's a new day, so I'm not going to focus on that!

Moving Right Along

This past Friday I had an interview with my practicum coordinator so I can see where I'll be working this first semester.  We sat down and talked for about 20 minutes or so.  She even commented that I came prepared!  Is that NOT the norm?!  Anyhoo.... I had to give her a list of 5 places that I'd like to work at and after talking with her I just changed 2 of them, so I thought that was good picking on my part!  At the end of June I'll get an email stating what place she got for me, I call them and set up an interview to see how it will work out for me!  Shane had Friday off and we planned to go to the museum to see a special exhibit on Mummies! It was cool!  While I was in my interview, he checked out the bookstore and got me some Ute swag :D

I'm looking forward, yet nervous, to start into school again.  It's amazing how quickly it will be here!  Some days at work I'm thinking it's just a matter of months and I'll be done here and back to being a traditional guardsman!  I can't wait :D

My workouts have gotten cut back because of my acupuncture appointments.  Last week I started getting up even earlier so I could do more than my 30 min on the treadmill.  I did it a few mornings but it's hard.  In the morning I was o.k., but by the afternoon I was dragging ass!  I'll try it again this upcoming week and see how it goes.  

My acupuncture is going well.  It's amazing how one's body reacts to things.  If I show up stressed and irritated I feel EVER needle going in.  But if I'm relaxed, had a good day, and not feeling stressed... smooth as butta!  I'm also still liking my EOs.  Shane has even tried the lavender at night.  I asked him about it once and didn't push it but I know he's used again since then so it may be helping him out too!  I've had a couple of girls at work buy some and one of them has seen an improvement in her condition due to the EOs!  The other one just ordered the starter kit, it comes with 3 of the main oils and there is 101 uses for them.  I think it's a good deal.  

I haven't done much with the TBB coach thing, my main thing was the discounts :P  I have no problem talking about what has helped me and what I enjoy about the Shakeology stuff, but I'm not a sales person.  It seems to me that a majority of the coaches on the site either don't do much but workout and work or they don't have a regular job.  I want to enjoy my life and yes, exercising is a part of that which allows me to enjoy life but I also want to do other things and not rotate my life around working out.  I think today I'll start a hybrid workout of the Shakeology work outs and HHAs.  If I do it in the mornings before I leave for work, I keep it to the 30 min workouts any more than that I'm getting up way too early!  With doing a 30 min workout in the morning that has me getting up around 330! ugh

Work is work and it's going to get crazy.  We have a big exercise in July that we are going to start gearing up for, we already started so that will be fun :P  My motivation at work is hard to maintain and I've been getting "short" with coworkers.  I'm tired of some things at work, it IS time for me to move on to something else.   In the past month I've heard from 2 different people that they see me as being Chief!  Really?!  Isn't that some crazy stuff?  It makes me feel good to know that people see what I'm doing and that I am doing my best to care for my peeps.  We will see how things progress but crazier things have happend!

Health and Fitness

       I'm working at overall improving myself, and doing it in a safe, natural, healthy way.  I'm exercising, I'm trying to watch what I eat, I'm seeing an acupuncturist, I've been seen a chiropractor for a few years now, and yesterday I saw a Dr. that "offers specialized treatments for allergies, detoxification, nutritional deficiencies and emotional release."  I'll talk about each of these separately but I do feel that my life has come together and all things happen for a reason and each of these things are working together for me to be healthy and happy :)
       I've been getting regular adjustments on a regular basis for a few years now and if I don't go I can tell the difference.  My back gets tighter, and I start getting out of alignment.  I will do what I can NOT to miss a month.  I've since added at a minimum monthly massages.  I finally found a therapist that works on what I need focused on, with good pressure, talks with me about what I can to help things on my own and I respect that.  Up until him, the therapist would call me back, ask what I wanted, and that was about it.  This guy sits downs prior, checks to see what is going on, what the focus is going to be, and sees what I've been doing at home to help out.  KUDOS to him for taking the time and knowing his clients :D
      Now, on to the exercising.  I have a motivation problem.  I usually will start something and then low and behold something gets in the way and I stop working out.  I know a lot of people that are doing Team Beach Body (TBB) work out programs,  your P90x and Insanity type programs.  I also have a friend that is a coach.  I decided to check it out.  First off I looked into meal replacements.  Most things out there are focused on the protein and muscle building.  I wanted nutrition!  I get up early and have to be at work at 0600, and well I need something in the morning besides coffee.  I looked around and TBB has their Shakeology so I checked that out and decided to try that and at the same time ordered the Shakeology workouts.  This was the first week of March.  I enjoy Shakeology.  It gives me energy for the day, I seem more focused, and it's full fills my nutritional needs!  I'm been drinking Shakeology since I started for my breakfast and it's been a good decision.  I started off with the Shakeology workouts and they are good, there is a 30 min and a 60 min workout.  It is a whole body work out and it's a good way to ease into regularly working out.  During this time I signed up for the free club at TBB so I could log my workouts and utilize all the stuff they had for free on the site.  If you want a good overall "what can the site do for me" you can check out this video.  It really helped me stay accountable by seeing my workouts. Once I became a member and utilized the site, I was emailed by other members.  Now some people where fishing for clients that they can be their coach for (yes you can make money as a coach) and I was interactive with people and checked out peoples groups on FB but I really lucked out and joined a really good motivational group and good coach.  It has really helped me stay motivated and on the right path.  Soon after signing up Hip Hop Abs was on sale and I get bored easily with workouts (lack of motivation) and I knew from my club days that after a night of dancing I would feel it in my abs so I ordered it and today finished the program.  Tomorrow I take my "after" measurements so we will see how that went ;)  The TBB website, Shakeology, and their numerous different types of workouts that you can order has been good for me and I've been sticking with it!
      Now about a month ago I went to a woman's expo and I was introduced to the acupuncturist I am now seeing, along with the other Dr., and I got into essential oils.  The essential oils thing is intriguing to me and I'm trying things out.  I've been using the lavender like crazy (helps with relaxing) along with lemon and peppermint!  If you want to know more about that aspect of my over all health and fitness you can go here.  
      The next two aspects are more of eastern type health care and some people have a hard time "believing they do any good" and some even label such care with terms like "whack job, witch doctor".  So if you feel that way.... go ahead and stop reading :P
      
     Seeing my acupuncturist I was told I was "cold" internally and to avoid cold foods.  Chinese medicine label foods as hot or cold and it has nothing to do with their temperature.  Based on an exam, we have decided to go forth with regular treatments to get my body back to a normal flow, and working like it should.  This week I started taking a concoction of herbs to assist with my problems.  I joke that I'm making my dirt drink, but it's  not totally horrible.  I can get it down o.k., but I was taking a lot of it.  To the point that, in being in-tune with my body I didn't feel as if I need to take that much and I kinda only took half of what she had prescribed.  I know, she's the provider but I also feel that one needs to really take the time and listen to their bodies and what is good for it.  I have noticed some positive changes when I took half of what was prescribed the first day (I got them later in the afternoon so I couldn't do 2 doses), the next day I did the two doses and wasn't feeling to hot, the next day did the 1 dose and was back to good.  It's not rocket science really :P  So I'm getting my Chi in line, and make sure my liver and spleen are happy.

     Yesterday I saw Dr.B.  I wasn't feeling this appointment.  I already started with the acupuncturist, my friend just saw the doc and left with over $100 in supplements, and I really don't have the cash flow to add more to my health and fitness plan.  To add to the "not feeling it" I didn't see the Dr. till about 25 min after my schedule appointment, ugh :(  I told him right off the bat I was seeing an acupuncturist and didn't want any conflicting treatments.  His stuff compliments that treatment and he's also trained in Chinese medicine.  So I had an exam, and it's hard to explain via a blog but by the end I was sold.  Dr. B also said it's not his goal to have me come in weekly for months before I'm where I need to be, he wants to attack the problems/issues in the level of importance and told me what type of appointment to schedule but not say when I had to come back, that was up to me.  I had taken my Chinese herbs with me and because of that, he did not have to give me more supplements.  I just walked out with 3 different things and their focus is to help me sleep, my depression, and keeping my overall energy up.  Everything else is being covered by my Chinese herbs (so that right there is commendable).  Also in my exam he determined that the prescribed dose of the herbs was too much and gave me a different recommendation, pretty much what I already felt was needed so that was encouraging.

If you live in the SLC Utah area I will be happy to recommend who I am seeing, if you'd want.

I feel that I'm on the right path right now!  I'm feeling good and moving forward :) 

Keep Movin' On

It's been an interesting month.  It's been an BUSY month!  First off the good news.....
I've officially been admitted for the graduate study at U of U!  I start Fall 2013 :D

My boss knows, and that's always a stressful conversation and it will be hard leaving but it's time for my next chapter of my life!  I am really happy that I got accepted, but at the same time nervous for the work and the classes.

The next big thing that happened this weekend is that we took a weekend trip through the base to Blue John Canyon.  We took off on Friday, had an practice rappel once we set up camp and then bright and early on Saturday we had a 10.5 mi hike (to the slot canyon and back).  The slot canyon that we went to is the one that Aron Ralston was pinned under a boulder and had to cut his arm off.  Here is another post that I found that talks about the canyon.  I was definitely out of my comfort zone but I made it and was sore for days after.  It was nice to be out in nature, and the canyon was beautiful.  We had great timing with the light and the temperatures :D  Here is my FB album for pictures.

I'm still sticking with my work outs!  A few more days of Hip Hop Abs and then I'm taking my measurements to see the difference.  I had a little "break" with the camping trip but I worked out during that time so I thinking it's forgivable;)  I'm taking care of myself with my chiropractor, regular massage, and now I've added acupuncture and ordered some essential oils.  With the kit I ordered I get a website to help reach out to others.  Yes, it's like all the other stuff out there to sell :P  It's a local company here in Utah and I have other friends that use doTerra EOs and LOVE them!  I'm going to use the stuff and if I enjoy them I'll tell others and share the website with people.  Essential Oils have been around forever and with my desire to take care of myself without going straight to western medicine who's first response is to treat the symptoms and not find the underlying cause of the issues.....I am going for the holistic healthy route and essential oils is just one more tool in that box for me!  If you'd like to know more about essential oils here is my website that can give you more information.

Well, I'm still busy busy but I wanted to have a little post with updated :)  Next weekend I'm off to Nellis for training with the Utah CERFP.  Fun times.... I get to sleep in a tent again ;)

Working out regularly, and some serious stuff!

I've been sticking with my work outs! Go me!  20-30 min on the treadmill before work and then I'll get home and do another workout!  My afternoon workouts were either the Shakeology workouts or Jillian Michaels Cardio Yoga.  Then Hip Hop Abs was on sale so I ordered that I am now on day 6 of doing that!  I don't know about anyone else, but after I good night of dancing I can feel it in my abs/thighs/and calves?!  So this HHAs makes sense.  It's a 4 week program and I'm trying to stick with it.  Next weekend will be a little hard because for work we are going to Vegas for training for a few days.  It will be field conditions, sleeping on cots so.... I'll be getting a work out with the physical labor that I'll be doing but not specifically my HHA.  Oh well... I just need to stick with working out everyday like I have been :)
I've been blogging about the workouts on my Team Beachbody.  The site has been good for me to monitor my work outs, up to today I've completed 33 workouts since 4 March :)  Through the website I was invited to join a FB community that has also helped with my motivation.  So far this whole thing has been a win win.  I'm waiting on my next order of Shakeology though :(  I slacked on watching the order and now I've been without for 2 days! Ugh... at work I noticed the difference.  Coffee is good but for the maintained energy... not so much!  Fingers crossed that it comes in today or tomorrow at the latest!

Since my last post there hasn't been anything new in my life.  The U.S. on the other hand, the Supreme Court saw a couple of cases last week in regards to same sex marriages.  I have a mix of people on FB, from the far right to the far left.  When it comes to politics, there is usually a broad range of views that go flying around.  On these issues, there wasn't a lot of divide :) There was a sea of this type of picture in support of equality:

 Some of the different types via HRC's website:

AWESOME!

Another thing that was on/in the news was and is sex abuse in the military.  They had some stories on NPR, with interviews and discussions.  I would listen to these on the way to work.  Probably not the best idea but one story caused me to type out my own story.  I don't know who reads my blog, and I don't really care.  I do this for my own therapeutic reason, writing about things to me is relaxing and for some items allows me to let things go.  I write about stuff, and I'm done with it.  I feel strongly about human rights, but the sex abuse in the military.... It hits just a tad bit closer to home, I'm part of that statistic ;)  Here's my story:

I head out to work about 0510 for work, and on that 40-45 minute commute I usually listen to NPR.  It keeps me engaged.  Sometimes their stories and news reporting makes me emotional but that is good, I am staying connected and am acknowledging the world and struggles outside of my personal existence.

About a month or so ago I saw the movie, “The Invisible War” at work.  Yep, at work we were allowed and encouraged to watch a movie.  All of the commanders of all of the National Guard bases were called to D.C. and they had to view this movie, and to bring more awareness and light to this issue in the military.  If you haven’t heard there is a sexual assault/rape problem in the armed forces.  The Pentagon even states that “more than 1 in 4 women who join the military will be sexually assaulted during their careers”.  In the movie “The Invisible War” I was shocked to hear that when the court dismissed the survivors’ lawsuit they stated that “rape is an occupational hazard”.  If that is the case, females should get hazard duty pay as soon as they join the military!

Recently in the news there have been a few incidents of commander’s overruling the sentencing of predators.  According to the laws, they can do that and the government can do nothing about it!

This is an outrage to ANY victim, male or female.  We all know that when we join the military we are giving up some of our rights as United States citizens, but we are NOT aware that the country that we are signing up to protect with our lives if asked to is no longer going to protect us in our time of need.

I am part of that statistic.  I have no problem telling my story and I do tell it when I feel there is a need or if it would benefit another but I’m not waving that flag of victim.  I am no longer a victim, and I do not need the “I’m sorry’s” that accompany that part of my life.  I was not raped but I was sexually assaulted.  It was by someone I knew.  I still struggle, at times, with the mental fall out and it has caused problems in my relationships ever since. 

In the NPR story that was aired this morning, http://www.npr.org/2013/03/21/174840895/sexual-violence-victims-say-military-justice-system-is-broken#commentBlock, a woman made the comment, “I’ve never met one victim who was able to report the crime and still retain their military career, not one”.

 

I beg to differ.  I am one.

I joined the Air Force in 1994 and was assaulted at my first base.  Based on my circumstances, who I am, maybe even luck and some blessings, I was able to continue with my career.  I’m not going to go into specifics; there is really no reason for that.  It happened at night in my dorm room, I woke up to a man beside me in my bed, I screamed and I fought even though this guy was a lot bigger than me.  I am a petite girl and my response, I’m assuming, was not expected because he ran.  Due to my commotion, there were witnesses to him running out of my room with me chasing him out.  Within the minutes, a first sergeant was called and the security forces were off to his room.

Before I continue, here is a little back story.  Dorm life in the military is similar to dorm life in college.  You make friends with people in the dorms, you see these people every day, and sometimes even work with these folks, dating happens, gossip, he said /she said… regular drama that accompanies 18-25 year olds living together.  Prior to my assault I heard rumors of a couple of civilian girls that were molested in our dorm by this guy we knew.  We weren’t close but he was around when everyone was hanging out, I considered “him” an acquaintance.  I didn’t poke around about these rumors and I really didn’t see the girls much around the dorms so I didn’t focus on it.  I should have…

Back to that night, he was taken into custody and I was grateful that he was not a part of my squadron.  I did a statement, the witness’s did statements.  I called my supervisor to let her know I wasn’t going to make it into work that day, I told her why and that it was a long night, and then I called my parents.  My Dad asked if I needed to take some leave, time off, more than just a day or two.  I, thinking I was good, said no and that it will be good for me to focus on something other than what happened with work.  I was wrong. 

I started to close in on myself, I couldn’t make eye contact with people, and if I could have worn a uniform that was 10 times too big for me I would have.  I wanted to disappear into the sidelines of life so no one would look at me.  I knew I needed to get away from that environment.  I spoke with a mental health professional right after it happened, they were useless to me.  I recall telling them what was going on and how I was feeling, I was told that’s normal.  That’s it.  No group sessions, no follow up, no tools to help me recover and deal with what was going on.  I requested to take leave to go spend a week or so with my parents who were living in Nevada at the time.  I was told no.  My Dad got involved (he was an officer in the AF at the time), but he called my commander as a concerned parent and I was givin the go ahead to take some time off.  I do not recall anyone in my chain of command showing concern for me, no questions, no support, nothing.  If my Dad did not call the commander so I could take leave, I would have been worse off.  I was falling into a deep hole fast and I was standing alone.

When I returned from my leave, I had a focus.  I was going to find these two other females that I heard rumors about and get them to testify with me.  He was not getting away with this.  Court martials don’t happen overnight, the guy was released but with restrictions during the wait.  I was always on guard, acutely aware of everyone around me when I managed to venture out other than to work.  During this whole process I received orders to Okinawa, Japan.  I was able to find the two other girls and give their information to the lawyers.  I spoke with both of them prior and told them what happened to me, saying I heard rumors of him assaulting them, and that I was not letting this guy go without a court martial.

Other than my own mental struggles during this time, people at work were clueless and treated me as such.  I was grateful to be moving to a different country.  I would have to be flown back for the court martial.  It’s been about 18 years since all this happened but some things will always stick with me.

The assault, the feeling of panic of terror.  The anger. The wanting to blend in and hide from life and everyone in it.  The fact that my commander at the time, a female, never said a word to me.  The first sergeant who’s whole purpose in life is to take care of the enlisted, not a word.  I had to fight to take leave.  The mental health professionals telling me I’m normal and sending me on my way…. The feeling of being victimized all over again on the stand during the court martial.

The jury is made up of your peers.  These are people that you work with day in and day out.  If they didn’t know of the incident before then, they knew all about it when they sat on my jury.  The embarrassment, the shame of seeing your coworkers in the jury and having to take the stand and tell your story.  On the stand my integrity was assaulted, and as a military member this is the core of who we are.  I was tried to be made out to be a racist, that I led him on, any way for it to be my fault. 

He was found guilty on numerous accounts and got a trip to Leavenworth.  I would get letters when it was time for him to be up for parole.  I’m assuming he is out now. He turned 21 on the day of his sentencing.  His parents were there, they blamed his poor behavior on drinking.  They felt that if he wasn’t drinking he wouldn’t have done those things, I beg to differ.  There were three of us females that took the stand against him, his behavior was escalating, he was getting bolder in his assaults, and we were all small petite females.  I feel that if we didn’t come forth, he would have begun to rape his victims.

I mentioned that I was blessed earlier.  I feel that way because I was no longer at that base after the court martial.  I didn’t have to work with people who sat on my jury and continually be judged.  I tried to compartmentalize that whole episode with that base.  It hasn’t worked.

While in Japan those demons that were buried and left at the last base reared up with my relationships.  I ended up on anti-depressants and in group therapy.  This group consisted of women from different services, the Marines, Army, and Navy.  I heard the same thing over and over… I went to my higher ups and as one Marine said was told to “suck it up and get back to work”.  I was disgusted.  I felt like I didn’t belong in that group because I was able to put the guy away, I felt too ashamed to share my story.  I was able to see justice done, I left everyone that was a part of that behind, I felt like a fraud.  I never went back.

I have problems in relationships that repeat over and over.  My Dad says I have PTSD.  I’m in a constant search of reaching my “normal”.  I’ve tried numerous anti-depressants, acupuncture, and some other ancient Eastern stuff to help find balance, looked in the bible, looked at and still looking at Buddhism, exercising…. I’m still trying to get there. I can still remember how I was in relationships prior to the assault, I was different, I was strong, I was not afraid to make a move.  I can’t even verbalize what it is; I have buried it for so long but in relationships after relationships when it comes to the physical aspect I want to blend into the sidelines.  I try to break free but this “thing” always reaches up, taps me on the shoulder and starts to emotionally badger me, it’s a constant tether.  I am very protective of females. I am always aware of men, their vibes, the interactions and I will give my life to stop anything from happening to any female.  No one needs this demon that never goes away.

I am an Airman, I am a proud member of the United States military and I serve with integrity.  After 10 years of active duty, 8 years of reserve and guard duty, 6 moves, numerous temporary duty assignments (TDYs) I am still here. 

After living somewhere for four years I get the “itch” to move.  I say this due to the military life, but now after writing this maybe I’m just still running from that first base where I became a statistic.