Labels

Can't sleep.... thus blog :)
I had this conversation with Mom yesterday on the way to the Haunted Lagoon and it is on my mind :P

Over the past few months I've been called a handful of things: bitch, tree hugger, feminist. All three things have negative connotations. Bitch... well that's an obvious one, tree hugger-well for me I think of radical women who don't shave and wear sandals all the time, and then there is the feminist...the bra burning man haters. I don't think I fit any of those descriptions ;)

In therapy I've talked about this "bitch" label, and the fact that I do things to be nice and NOT to be perceived as a bitch. I don't want to be the "mean" guy all the time, I don't want people to hate me or view me negatively. Well, I know as well as everyone else that you can't please everyone and be everyone's friend. That still doesn't stop my urge to try and be a nice person that listens to people, that is tortured when I have to hurt someone else even for the sake of my own happiness. Therapist lady pointed out that I have the right to stick up for myself and for my beliefs. I have to stand up for myself and if standing up for myself and respecting myself makes me a bitch, than so be it. I'll own that label.

Tree-hugger. Yep, I gave to Greenpeace on a monthly basis, but then I ran out of money and I'm pinching pennies it as I write. I care for the environment and I'll do what I can to make a difference by being aware of what I buy, informing others of things (my parents have a solar hot water heater:), try to buy from local markets and stuff like that. If that makes me a tree hugger... so be it. I'll own that one too :)

Feminist. Ah! When this was first thrown out at me I was upset cuz I don't see myself as a bra burning man hater, but now... I look at that word differently mainly due to some classes I'm taking this semester. If it weren't for feminist I wouldn't be voting, I wouldn't have the right to take birth control, I would not be able to serve my country in the military...just to name a few. I recently got involved with Girlfest and I'll be volunteering to help them out next month with some of their activities that bring awareness to stopping violence against women and also human trafficking. I posted that I was going to a Girlfest meeting and I got a "no comment" from a male friend. I enjoyed the meeting. The women were smart, passionate, educated, warm and friendly. There were a couple of guys at the meeting too. I don't hate men, I never will... I may get frustrated but I get frustrated with everyone ;) I am proud of my femininity. If I am viewed as a feminist for my beliefs and what I do, then I'll take it and own that too!

Even in therapy we talked about how we perceive and label things. Things, actions, feelings are only negative cuz we give them that label, that power. Something as simple as "I wasted $25 on some makeup the other day", was it really a waste? I could see it as: I tried something new, I wanted to do something to help me feel better about myself, and I wasn't ready to drive home from town so I went window shopping.

Our mind, body and spirit know what we need but we need to learn how to be aware of and trust that inner voice. Sometimes it tells us to do things we don't want to do (like go exercise) but when we do these things we do feel better. It may be out of our comfort zone but by challenging ourselves we become better. I had a friend who had a crap day the other day, took the day off of work and just was physically ill about life. Something needed him to take that day off, help his folks, and just be. There is purpose in all we do. Also, maybe his craptastic day wasn't so much a message for him but maybe for someone else. Sometimes the universe uses others to help you along.

For example
I've been working on this whole idea that I'm worthy of good things in life along with 6 other mantras I've been telling myself. When I saw the therapist today she asked how things were going. I mentioned the Aerosmith concert, that I started in the highest seat (there was no one sitting behind me cuz there was a wall) and due to a friend I ended up at stage level! I've been frustrated with my laptop and doing school work (I don't have word on it, it's old and heavy so I don't want to lug to school everyday) I was given a Acer Aspire for an early graduation gift :) I say early cuz I still got a semester or so to go. And, I've been taken in as a starving student and I get coffee and bagels paid for every now and then. I have yet to get in trouble for my parking thing, and so far I think I'm doing good in all my classes :D Therapist pointed out that I've opened myself up for things cuz I am worthy of good things in my life. If you believe in the positive and good things, then that is what is reflected back to you.

It may sound all spiritual, new wavey but think about it. When you are around happy people, don't they attract happiness and good things? It may be our perceptions to things, but isn't our perceptions our reality? And if we hold the key to our own happiness in our hands, our minds, our core... then why the hell would we want to attract negativity?

I keep going through waves of depression, but I'm determined not to go on meds. I'm doing the all natural gig with herbs and what not. After a few days of black clouded death mood (this was before I started the herbs), I saw therapist lady. I told her about my mood. She asked what do you do or did when these waves hit. I tell her I most likely stay in bed, avoid people at all cost, and just do nothing. She asked "so what's the purpose of that, what did you get out of it?". That stumped me for a second and then we talked it through. Usually when I have these massive waves I feel overwhelmed with stuff, I've been going non stop and haven't take time for myself.... these "waves" make me focus on myself, I don't do anything and during these times I do a lot of self reflecting. It's not all good stuff... this is depression so it's all negative BUT when I come through I'm usually aware of something that I wasn't before, and I can do something with that or not. Whenever I'm at a down point, and I'm mentally engaged with myself I usually have a few clarity moments.

Labels are bad... they put people, emotions, thoughts, everything into a box. Life is fluid... ups and downs, with growth and set backs, it's ever changing.

So... label me if you will, but tomorrow you'll have to do it again and again and again ;)