Life is work!

Every day at work I see it, people wanted a quick fix or an easy way to feel/do better.  They always seem a little surprised when I say that life sucks, there will be good and bad moments but it's what we do in those moments is what makes our life what it is.
When I say life is work it's easy to think about the crappy connotations to work.  What I am focused on is that we have to do something in our life.  It's OURs and that takes effort, physical and mental effort, to life a good life.
If we don't do that work, our brain will be a crazy kid with no boundaries and rules.  We've all see THAT kid in public.  That kid that is a distraction, is rude, is mean, annoying, and is just going wild.  Our brains do that to us daily and what do we do? We allow it to trample on our emotions, our dreams, and confine us to a corner being silent.
For people that are parents, you know that kids needs support, room to grown, but also boundaries and structure.  We have to do that with our brain and it's hard work.  It's like telling an adorable kid "no" or punishing the kid who cutely swears not knowing what they are saying.
I'm not a neuroscientist, or a brainiac by any means, and my time as a LCSW is still maturing but I see it in me personally and with everyone that sits in front of me.  
Society doesn't help our brain child. We are constantly bombarded with what we should do or what we should look like.  Kids now are fighting this battle from an earlier age.  Lost of the days of building forts, playing outside all day, using our brains to imagine fun things.  We are force fed what our lives should look like and when we are not living that life we are judged.  Sometimes to our face but a lot of times by our child brain "how come you aren't married" "you should have kids" "you fucked that up" "you have to wear a bra in public" "you look like a slut""sitting by yourself, you're a looser".... you get the idea.  
Life is a journey and we should choose our companions carefully.  They should be supportive, loving, and able to check us when we need it.  Our thoughts should be chosen with the same care and focus.
How do we do that?  Here comes the work :P
Half, probably more than half of the time, we have no awareness of our automatic thoughts (ANTs).  They flutter and bound around.  Additionally we never notice when we are not having thoughts, and those moments are important!  
First, be curious about yourself.  Be your own investigator.  Be aware of feelings that come up.  I bet when you try to focus on your thoughts they begin to hide from you and it's hard to think about what your thinking.  That's o.k.  this is a new thing, be gentle and curious like hanging out with a new person.  Label the feelings that you notice. I'm feeling sad, meh (yes I use meh even with my patients), happy, frustrated, pleased.....
Then be curious about what you were doing when that emotion came up.  Walking the dog, having a cup of coffee, interacting with an annoying co-worker, thinking about a friend.
Now the hard part.  What thoughts were jumping around? It's a beautiful day, Jane thinks I'm stupid, I didn't hear from Max after I text him, I pissed him off, He hates me, the relationship is over, I killed that interview, these pants don't fit.
Notice that my random stream of ANTs were all over the place, good, bad, supportive, and just there.  For some reason, a majority of people will hold on to the unhelpful ones and we will feed them. Jane thinks I'm stupid, I am stupid because she asked me a question at work and I couldn't answer her, I did the paperwork wrong, I wear the same three pairs of shoes to work, I have no style....
Before we know it, we stop talking to people at work, we isolate ourselves, and those negative ANTs turn into Goliaths to where we cannot even acknowledge the thoughts of it's a beautiful day without it turning into yeah but I have work tomorrow and there will be Jane judging me, I haven't nothing new to wear, I'm a frump.
Those trains of thought run our emotions and we end up passengers at the back of the train.  It's the bumpiest part, you get food last if at all, bathrooms are probably back there and it stinks.  
FUCK THAT!
This is your train, get to the front, kick out that 2yo conductor and take charge. 
Oh if it's was that easy but it's not.
Depending on how long you've been riding this train, there could be many train cars you have to walk through.  It's overwhelming.  It will be hard. It will be outside of your comfort area.  I get it, I have my own train and I've been kicked out of the front car many of times and have to fight myself back to the front but each time it's a little easier and I learn more about myself.
Little changes.
That's it.  
Sometimes it's taking it one seat at a time, and other times you can walk through a train car in one fell swoop.  
But you got to DO SOMETHING, you got to do the WORK.

I'm doing my own work.  Last week I tried to walk through a few train cars at once.  It didn't work and I got jostled and slammed down in a seat.  That's o.k. I took a little break and here we are. 

My baby steps currently:
make better food choices, no alcohol

That's it.  If I do more than that, let's say work out, do some yoga during the week *high five* but based on my energy and mental bandwidth I'm keeping it small.

What's your baby step? Are you acknowledging the thoughts that support you, challenge you, and care for you? If you can't even see those thoughts, write down some supportive phrases you'd tell a friend, post them on your bathroom mirror, have them as your screen saver on your phone. Read them daily!

We got this!

Cusp of a New Year

I can't believe another year is almost over! A few updates because we always seem to changing something with our plans.  
Work is work.  It's been full of up and downs, just like any other job.  I do enjoy the work but I have another evaluation in a couple of months which are stressing me out if I'd have to admit it.  I was trained in July and then lately I have been having monthly mentor calls, which have been going well, but in a couple of months I will have person come and sit in on my work for two days! ack!  Had a lot of changes at work in personnel and all.  My "boss" has changed three times, I have a new coworker psychologist which I feel we have a good working relationship, and we had another social worker hired but he quit :(. They are suppose to be hiring someone else but so far no one has been hired.  So technically we are low manned so we are focusing our work on the active duty members.  So things are moving along.

On my balcony, with Fremont St behind me

Looking out towards Red Rock

Joe got a job!  A good paying job, hell he's getting more than me LOL. But it's in Albuquerque NM :(. So we are doing the separate thing for a wee bit.  Thus I moved to a small place in the Arts District which is pretty nice and Joe found himself a similar place downtown ABQ.  Even though neither one of us is happy about this new living arrangement we are focusing on the gains we will get from it.  Our bills will get paid quicker, Joe will keep his sanity, we can get our health and fitness back on track, and when we do visit with one another our time will be more intentional.  

Joe came out for Thanksgiving and we had a relaxing time catching up with each other and doing whatever came up.  One good thing about Vegas is that it NEVER sleeps and you can always find some place that is open!

Playing tourist at the Neon Museum!  

Seven Magic Mountains

Vegas groove

Things are moving along here in Vegas.  I started my new job on 10 June which was almost a month later than when I was suppose to.  There was a big hick up and I was told there was a 50% chance that I wouldn't have a job but things moved forward and I was able to start!  

Most of work is focused on computer based training and shadowing others for now.  I won't be able to start seeing patients until I complete training in Walter Reed where I'm suppose to go in a couple of weeks.  I've been waiting on my contract company to approve the travel so I can get tickets for everything.  I hate waiting on other people, I hope it all goes smoothly!  So far it seems that I will be working with a good group of people.  It's a different type of work, being incorporated into primary care but the hope is to mitigate problems before they escalate to the level of needing specialty mental health.
We're moved into our condo and it's a nice place.  It's a quiet area, decent pool, and away from all the Vegas madness.  Still getting use to the heat.  It's amazing how draining it is.  The temps were in the 80's so we forced ourselves to go out and about the other weekend.  It's funny that we are seeing 80 degree weather as "cooling down" but after it being 100 and above it felt so nice!

Before I got this job, we had Alaska vacation plans with Joe's nephew and his friend.  When I accepted the job it was cleared that I would have a week off without pay due to these plans that were already made.  We had a great time in Alaska doing tourist stuff although it was the hottest week ever in Alaska while we were there!  They were also battling multiple forest fires.  They tend to let the fires do what they need to but it's still sad to see all that is being burned.
We did some major Alaska "must do's": fishing, bear viewing, saw moose, bald eagles, and flew over a glacier!  It was amazing to be back soon after moving away.  It was so laid back and relaxing compared to the traffic business of Vegas.  It was a wonderful vacation!

Now that we are back in Vegas we have to get our Vegas groove on.  We are going to focus on exercising, eating right, and get back to saving money! 

Baby steps

So I got a call from the work peeps saying that my credentials have been cleared *high five* which means I have a job BUT I still do not have a start date.  I am 2 weeks after my original start date :( That is two weeks later than I hoped without a paycheck!
Good news for us is that we will be moving into our condo tomorrow!  We found a fully furnished 2 bedroom condo in a nice part of town.  One thing we did not realize is that due to it being higher in elevation, it is usually 7 degree cooler than the valley which is going to come in handy pretty soon!  It looks like we will be in the 90s within the week and probably climbing! Also....I will be able to lay by the pool while waiting for a start date!
We cannot wait to have our own space and be out of this extended stay hotel.  Even though we have a small kitchenette, we still have been going out more than we should to eat.  I think the main reason is because we just need to get the hell out of this room!  
Joe and I do well in small spaces. Hell, we were living in a studio apartment for 8 months with no problems. The problem we are having now is that neither one of us does good in a holding pattern where we have no control over things and we are just waiting on other people.

Since starting this update this morning plenty of things happened and are lining up!  Will finish later...

Got an update about my job, there is only one person to do security appointments and she was out all this week...so, fingers crossed for at least a Tuesday start date.
Condo....getting cleaned for us as I type and we can move in as early as this evening!
Truck/camper build: I know I haven't given much updates on that but we got an update on part of the build this morning and Joe is happy with the quote and the plan for the build so that is moving forward!

One thing I have learned, and Joe and I do well together, is not to get caught up in things we don't have any control over.  We are not bystanders in our lives but we are also not going to get overly emotional about things.  I realize that the energy we put out is what we get back so if we were pissed about all these delays, complaining about every little thing, I will put money on the table that our lives would be worse off right now.  We've acknowledged the upsets, felt the irritations and anger about things falling through but then we let it go and move forward to what we can do.  Sometimes it takes longer than we'd like but things work out as they should and it's all good :)

One of our many jaunts to The Strip to kill time and get some walking in....we have to stop for refreshments of course :)

New job....eventually

new backyard, Red Rock

Life is crazy and if you don't fight where it wants to take you, it's not AS stressful.  A lot of BIG changes since last post.  I am now a LCSW as of February.  It happened quicker than what I projected because yours truly is not a math wiz and I was counting hours separately vs combined.  So TA DA here we are!  With that happening about the same time a lot of changes were happening in my work section.  My bad ass supervisor was scheduled to PCS in July and then our director got a job at the VA in Vegas and would be leaving around the same time.  Our awesome team was breaking up, which unfortunately happens and it happens more often in military type settings.  

Joe and I decided to enjoy one more summer in Alaska and then move out before winter.  Knowing how long government jobs will take to get hired onto, I decided to start job hunting and applying to government jobs (doesn't matter what state I'm licensed in).  I had already planned on flying Tux down to Vegas to be adopted by my brother due to all the traveling Joe and I were planning on taking.

A month or so prior to the Tux drop off trip, I get a call back from a contract company about a job at Nellis AFB, NV.  First off, Joe and I wanted to move to Vegas when we left Florida so we were focusing on the Vegas area due to other benefits that line up with our future goals.

This contract company moved fast!  I talked with the Capt I'd be working for and everything was lining up and they wanted me for the position but they needed me sooner than later.  So we discussed it and figured "why not".  When I dropped off Tux I told Chris and Anna we'd be neighbors and I'll cat sit whenever they need :). I got back to work, worked a week, out processed and we hit the road!

Our road trip to Vegas

All of our stuff fit in this trailer AND we had plenty of room for other stuff....*psst* we think we have too much stuff!

We saw so much beauty and animals this time, spent a couple of days with fam in Utah, and then onto Vegas.  We found a furnished condo to move in on 1 June and I had a start date of 20 May so we have been in an extended stay.  We got settled, did some touristy stuff, and them bam....got hit with some speed bumps.

Major speed bump....Nellis AFB is giving some push back on credentialing me as a provider, even though I'm an LCSW.  My start date is now up in the air, hell the job that I moved down here for is up in the air!  I was told by the contract company that there is a 50% chance of me NOT having a job. I do not gamble!!!!  If this does NOT go through I probably will NEVER work with a contract company again.  I understand that it is not the contract company that is causing problems but they need to have some better checks and balances to avoid having someone move across the U.S. for a job.  I should hear something this week about where we stand with this job.

Until then, I am getting all my paperwork ready to submit for a Nevada license.  There are a good amount of LCSW jobs in the area but I need that NV license so here we go, and of course all of that cost a stupid amount of money :(

We've had some smaller speed bumps that have popped up which make the big one even more frustrating.  This morning we found out that our condo, which we were hoping to move in on 31 May, won't be open for us to move in until 1 June so we need to find a place to sleep for one night now.  I am hoping I can just extend one night to where we are at currently.

Since we are staying in an extended stay I am utilizing the library for their wi-fi and printing services.  I went to one that was farther away the first time and I figured I'd go to the one closer today....interesting.  I am sitting at a table and there is a homeless lady next to me and she's been munching on chips, checking out cooking books, and having some low key conversations with herself.  Not bothering me at all. What IS bothering me is the elderly, decently dressed man at the next table over who appears to be staring at me and licking his lips on the regular basis.  HE is giving me more of the creeps than the homeless that are chilling in the library!  

I CANNOT wait to have my own space, a kitchen to cook in, my own printer, and a peaceful place to reset when needed. I need some sort of focus, routine, and get back to some more healthy ways.  Yes I can do all that living in a damn hotel but it will be a lot easier in our space.

Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming...

Words matter and an Army challenge

A couple of weeks ago I brought up a concern I had at work.  I've had a good handful of soldiers come into my office for behavioral health intakes and some for individual therapy.  I've heard similar reports from some of the soldiers of how there are a lot of jokes about suicide.  A week ago, I'm not sure what was different, but after meeting with a soldier and hearing their frustrations about this I brought up my concerns to our team.

I inquired if other providers have heard similar stories and threw out some ideas to begin to change the dialogue.  One person, and I've heard this from others, seem to feel it was an uphill battle stating "it's the culture" and then made a comment about the Air Force not have issues like this.  I snapped that the AF has their stuff just like other branches but stating that "it's the culture" doesn't mean we cannot try to raise awareness and start some change.

Things that I have heard from my soldiers is they will sit around and joke about suicide to the point of having conversations on how they will do it.  A soldier reached out not knowing what they should of done when a friend posted suicidal thoughts on social media.  This person was met with jokes, comments of "if they don't do it they are a pussy" and "they just want attention".  I imagined young soldiers having this conversation but NCOs were a part of it!  The ones that are charged with the responsibility of mentoring and leading!  My blood boiled at this.

Having been in the medical field close to my whole working life I am well versed in off color jokes and making serious situations light by jokes and sarcasm.  But suicide have been off the table for me, it's never been a joke.

When I brought this up to our team, another provider spoke up and stated that she's done training with one of her sections.  She has a training/outline for this already and she reported that she got great feedback when she did this.  She did a few separate pow wows, having a different presentation/training/talk with senior leadership, the mid level leaders, and the lowest rung of soldiers and each presentation was adapted to that group!  It was more of a dialogue and as she stated she wanted to educate them on how WE think as mental health professionals.  Why hasn't this been expanding outside of her units?!  
I don't know but one hold up that is coming to light are commanders that are not seeing mental health as a priority of their soldiers.  THAT is the big fight.

I am learning more and more about how the Army works, it's not making any sense to me but with more understanding it allows me to work differently.  For example in the AF when you say commander you are usually talking about a Maj or LtCol, or higher.  These individuals have a decent amount of time in service, some age on them, and should have a broader perspective on things...don't get me wrong I've been exposed to my share of incompetent AF commanders.  In the Army a commander is usually a CPT and I recently met with one in my office.  

Up until this week, in my mind, I kept thinking Army commander = AF commander.  A switch went off this week.  I had this AR CPT who just ended their command, AT 26 YEARS OLD!  Educated with a degree (most often that does not have classes on leadership or management of people) and a crash course in Army life/training. These young adults are in charge of other young adults to the point of ruining one's career, kicking them out, all levels of discipline!  So when when get a new commander and then one of their soldiers are suicidal, have to go inpatient, these young adults are either freaked out trying to figure out what they can do to help or they totally separate from the issue.  As I recently heard from a commander, "if they can't soldier they are useless to me".  

My mind shift went from Oh shit I have to call the commander to I have to call this commander and mentor him/her on how best to help this soldier.  I recently had a commander ask me "what do you think I should do" in regards to letting a soldier go on leave "even though he's failed a PT test".  I acknowledged his situation of having to think of the group as a whole, if he lets one person go under disciplinary action how that would reflect on others unable to go, but I also mentioned to take this soldier's whole story into account.... how has his performance been up until this failed PT test? is this a regular thing for him?  if he's been a stellar soldier up until this incident I, as a mental health profession, recommended he be allowed to go home for the holidays for his mental health.  This information was acknowledged and the soldier was able to go home!

I am older than these commanders by 20 years at time, more time in the military, and then life experience!  What a mind screw that is?!  Apparently I'm a professional and I may even be considered an adult.  When did this happen because I don't feel it at all?!  But with this "ah ha" moment.... I now have a different perspective on how to interact with Army commanders to where I can do the best that I can to help both the commander and the solider.

And one of my task to to help change how people talk about suicide.  I know I work with the soldiers that are pretty rough around the edges with their jobs and being airborne but that does not mean they are unable to change!  I may not make a huge change but if I can get a few people to thinking about things differently and hopefully start using their voice to start a ripple of change.  Anything is possible.

Welcome 2019

Wow! What a year?!  We are on our second winter in Alaska and it's not as "neat" as the first one.  Mainly because of the long days of darkness but we are back to gaining light so we are in the home stretch!
Since we've been in Alaska: I'm on my second job and Joe is on his third.  We are both enjoying these current jobs so hopefully no other work changes :). We sold all of our furniture and excess belongings and moved from a 2 bedroom condo to a furnished studio.  We lost our beautiful mountain views but we gained a fire pit, places to walk to, and more freedom from stuff!  We've had two visitors: Amanda and my Mom.  

We bought Stevie, an RV, and sold Stevie.  We did do some camping, some hiking, some more hiking, and recently snow shoeing.  We bought a camper, which is in Chicago, and we are looking for a truck for it as we speak....we are getting closer and closer to our traveling life.  

We aren't rushing it because it is our life but we are not going slow either!  We canceled a gym membership, I started a month to month program with Pure Barre and I'm actually staying with it (except for today, I canceled today).  Tux is Tux and is doing his thing but he did see a moose in our yard, he wasn't too sure about that!  Life is good and we keep plugging along without becoming complacent and routine.

 We rung in 2019 with a staycation downtown in The Hotel Captain Cook (it's literally a 10 drive for us now).  

It was nice and I drank too much and I'm slowly recovering.  Joe was back to work today and I'm back to work next week.  Today I have the place to myself to do laundry, clean dishes, blog, read...or absolutely nothing. productive it can go either way really!

It will be interesting to what 2019 brings to me and to us!

Holidays are always interesting to me.  I've never been big on them, maybe as a kid when we got those big stashes of gifts but... as my brother and I grew older those gifts diminished and it was more focused on things that were really important.  Mom would decorate but I remember the holidays becoming more and more low-key.  I'm good with that.  
As a 42y/o I have close to NO stress during the holidays.  I'm not running around shopping (which I hate in normal situations) and I'm not going into debt.  Joe and I don't exchange gifts. We spend time with each other having a good time.  People see us as slightly weird but it's our life and we're happy with it.  I've been with people who were really into the holidays, the stuff that t.v. specials are made of.  If that stuff makes people happy... go and do it, but don't judge me for not partaking, or looking at me with pity because my boyfriend didn't buy me anything!  We don't need anything and if we do, we buy it ourselves.  We do the same thing for Valentines Day and birthdays :). I have family and friends that don't understand and that is o.k., it's my life and it works for me and my partner in crime.

Another New Year thing that I keep chuckling about is the resolutions.  I've tried to do resolutions in the past, I've even blogged about it.  Needless to say, like most people they eventually fall to the way side or I totally forget what I "promised" myself.  I see tons of post about reset groups for health.  It's great to be held accountable and to have a plan to get healthy,  I need that but I've begun to learn that all that motivation needs to come from ME.  I can ignore people on my email or text reminders but I can't get away from me, how I feel and how I look.  
I started Pure Barre a few months ago and I've been maintaining at least 3 sessions a week.  I've been trying to do 4 but life stuff keeps happening :P. It's a good workout for me and I feel better when I do it but I also acknowledge that I need my time when I can get it.  It's that balance thing.  I don't want to add stress to my life because I canceled a session or didn't make my quota.  I'll go when I go and get the most out of it, appreciating that time I give to myself by strengthening my body and mind.  
We put so much pressure on ourselves and there is no need.  I want to excel and do well in my job and stay healthy but instead of pressure I can motivate myself in a non judgey, not critical way that encourages growth and movement.  It's hard, as a society we are programed to be more harsh :(
I need to get busy with my day, I feel that is what needs to happen now on my day of solitude.  So I'm cutting this blog of ramblings short and moving on to the next thing that strikes my fancy.

Hippie

According to dictionary.com:

Hippie or Hippy

noun

1. a person, especially of the late 1960s, who rejected established institutions and values and sought spontaneity, direct personal relations expressing love, and expanded consciousness, often expressed externally in the wearing of casual, folksy clothing and of beads, headbands, used garments, etc

This past week I was called a hippy.  This wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last I'm assuming.  The cause of my "label" was a reusable sandwich wrapper so I'm not using zip lock bags.  

I immediately felt defensive, like being called a hippy was a bad thing.  Think about it... how does society view "hippies".  When you hear the word hippy what comes to mind? For me it brings up people in their own little world (which I was accused of as a child), not really going with society norms (check), not getting upset about a majority of things...not bad things but then you get the hippy that lives in a commune, free love, pot smoker, in sandals, flowing garments, not bathing on a regular basis.  And TODAY hippy usually is paired up with liberal, granola cruncher, Subaru driving (I do drive a Subaru), give handouts to everyone.... need I go on?

I saw my defenses go up and I felt I had to "prove" I wasn't THAT bad of a hippy.  I mean I do shave my legs regularly!  But after this whole interaction I thought about it more and there are worse things I can be label as, but is hippy really that bad?  

It's a label, a word, that does not truly define me.  I am not one thing over another.  I am a complex person, just like we all are, and I'm not confined to one label.  Yes I do what I can to lesson my impact on this earth, recycle when I can, and try to make good choices because everything I do has an impact.  I realize I do not live in a bubble.  

I struggle with labels, even as a social worker and I have to diagnose someone.  Sometimes it can be freeing to know that the reason you think and feel a certain way can be explained by a mental illness but then what?  I've seen people use their diagnosis as a tool to empower themselves to get better where as others have used their diagnosis as a crutch or an excuse to continue with their ways.  I struggle with my own labels and I have to wonder WHY do we have to fit into a box or fit a certain mold to be understood and at times accepted?

The whole thing is crap!  Be true to yourself and don't focus on what you'll be labeled as and on the other side of that coin stop assigning labels to other people!  As soon as you do,  you put them in a box with your assumptions on how that person thinks and acts.  Which could result in loosing out on knowing a really amazing human being.

Yes, I have hippie tendencies...I also have liberal AND conservative tendencies and according to others that have labeled me I am: cold hearted, warm, loving, resilient, bitch, snobby, grounded, depressed, relaxed, anxious, kind, introverted, adventurous.....

In a moment, in a day, in a week... we are so many things.  We grow, we change, we interact with situations as they come, we are fluid and adaptable so why would we focus so much on what we are labeled or what we label other people?

Be open to yourself and others! Live big and take "labels" as they truly are, a snapshot of that moment, a highlight of one part of you as a truly remarkable human being that is adaptable and open to new experiences.  

A recent loss

"It's not if but when" that is what we heard during my MSW program in regards to a client who will commit suicide.  It's a sad thought but that is the business we are in.  That phrase comes to mind if not daily, weekly, as I work with soldiers who are struggling.  I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately, and I'll explain why in a minute, and today I realized even more that the odds are stacked against me in when someone I know, work with, or treat will be affected by suicide.  Not only am I working with depressed individuals but I also have chosen to work with military, active duty and veterans.  In addition to that, I am a veteran, so a majority of my friends, family, and acquaintances are military.  We all hear the news on what military/veteran suicides look like.
On a daily basis, I have to assess the risk of a client walking away and harming him/herself.  Working on the inpatient unit in Florida that risk was there but there were more ways to mitigate the risk.  Working at the VA and now on the Army base, my ability to mitigate the risk is extremely limited.

At the VA I worked with a young veteran that had severe PTSD, TBI, and medical problems which in itself is a struggle.  He also had a troublesome relationship resulting in a toxic cycle of doing well and then making an attempt on his life.  This cycle would last a month, so on average, every month (if we were lucky 2 months) this veteran attempted to take his life.  During my work with him I did therapy but also tried to get him into an inpatient facility, private and VA.  I got excuses and refusals!  He's not stable, medically or mentally, I would be told OR there would be a month or more long wait to be admitted.  This service member did not have that luxury.  The veteran had a serious attempt, and was put in the state psychiatric hospital.  Those stays are short with no real treatment, think padded room environment and medications.  Once notified of this I went to my supervisor so frustrated at the system and scared for this veteran that I was in tears.  My supervisor calmly looked at me and tried to comfort me, thinking I was upset that I did something wrong and it was my fault that he was admitted.  I quickly informed him my tears were not of sadness but that I was so pissed and frustrated that I've been trying for months, talking to him and others at work, for help and guidance on how to get this veteran admitted into a facility that would help him.  He seemed a little surprised but getting "emotional" got more people involved and I was able to find a private facility that would take him in.  This is one of many reasons I decided to leave the VA and find employment elsewhere.  Before I left the VA, he was still in inpatient and doing well.  I pray that he is still doing well.

At my current job I have seen a soldier for numerous weekly sessions, after they had worked with a different provider for a handful of sessions.   This service member has daily suicidal thoughts and with treatment, has not improved but has remained stable.  We had a conversation what stable meant, they thought it meant "doing well" I informed them that stable is no change so things can by shitty but be managed, "stable shitty".  I'm not going to go into details but the bottom line is that the Army is not a good fit for this individual.  Which is a part of my job.  I have two bosses when I'm meeting with a soldier, helping the soldier but also ensuring that the Army has a fit and ready soldier to accomplish the mission.  So it would be best for the service member's mental health to be discharged and that is in the works but it takes time.  
So here we are in the holiday season.  I meet with this person weekly and there is not enough spider senses going on and what is reported from the individual to push for an inpatient stay...this individual has already had one due to intense suicidal thoughts with intent.  After every weekend I call the inpatient unit and ask if any of our soldiers were admitted and every time I ask I hold my breath hoping it is not my soldier or any other soldier for that matter.

So, if this my normal life now as a social worker why the uptick in thinking about suicide?

I woke up the other morning and saw a post from a friend's wife that my friend, Jake, is no longer alive.  I was shocked.  I didn't know why.  There was no indication in the post.  I thought maybe he was ill and nothing was mentioned?  I worked with Jake while being a part of the reserve unit in Utah.  It's been years since we've actually interacted but we are Facebook friends so I've seen his family grow, promotions in the military, family vacations.... a happy active family doing their thing.  So I was confused.  At work I tried the google thing to see if anything would pop up, nothing.  A lot of people sharing condolences on FB but still no why.  I text a friend in the area and although she has lost touch with him also, from another friend it sounded like Jake died by suicide.  
I'm at work... my feelings of shock, concern, questioning turned back into shock and now despair at this news.  Again the questions? Why?  Tears came to my eyes, I lost my appetite, and I was at a loss.  
I'm at work and got soldiers to see, so like any military member, I tap into my military bearing and get back to work. In between appointments I talked to my supervisor about it and we touched base at the end of the day again but I find myself at a complete loss.  Then I came home and processed it some more with Joe.

This morning I woke up and looked at Jake's FB page and looked at his pictures. These are the same pictures that I noticed in the past while I scrolled through FB. Pictures of a happy family full of smiles and good times.  Then I really started to look, at the body language and the eyes...was there pain and sadness? or am I seeing something now that he is gone and I'm trying to rationalize why he would take his own life?  When it comes to death, we will never have an answer although our brain wants so badly to make sense of something that will never make sense, even if we had reason for it.

Most people don't post their pain and personal struggles on social media so how many of us scroll through pictures not really seeing them and just blindly hit "like" or "love"?  HOW MANY TIMES DO WE DO THIS IN REAL LIFE?!  We ask how someone is doing, we exchange pleasantries, but we DO NOT REALLY SEE OR LISTEN to that person.  
As a society we have become "ten second Tom's" in that things need to be quick.  We size up situations, we make hasty responses, we move on to the next thing, the next person, the next interaction.  

PLEASE slow down in your life.  Be present with the person you are with and truly engage with your life and with people.  Take the time to listen and follow your gut instinct that cries out that someone is not fine, when they say they are with a smile and a joke.  There is too much negativity in our world so we need to actually be there for one another, showing kindness, being vulnerable with each other in our pain and in our joy.  Not only do we need to be open to others but we need to be open TO others when we are in pain and need help.  How many of us go through life with a mask on, not being genuine with others... hoping that no one notices our own pain and struggles but wishing someone would care?

I only worked with Jake a few years, if that, before moving away but the world lost a gentle soul.  Jake was always there with a smile, he was dependable, smart, and so very caring and non-judgmental of others.  I hope that he now feels what everyone else saw in him, wherever he may be.  


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255.... press 1 if you're military

Been busy and late on post...

Chilln' in our new digs!

Well, Joe and I have moved into our new digs.  A studio apartment that is furnished.  Yep, we’ve gotten rid of all of our furniture and downsized all that extra stuff that you don’t realize is accumulating in drawers, closets, and bins!  Granted we still have stuff to get rid of, and we are going to do quarterly sweeps of our stuff.  So every few months we are going to go through our bins, Tupperware, and kitchen stuff and get rid of things we have not used.  Currently I am doing the hanger swap from those plastic hangers to some thinner ones, if I still have items on plastic hangers after so long then that clothing will be donated!  

We have been in our new studio for almost a month now and we are doing well.  People are always shocked when we tell them of the small space we are now living in and what our future plans are. We’ve heard “well, you really got to like the person” um duh and we do.  Joe and I can occupy the same space and still be focused on individual things.  Yesterday was a prime example…

Sunday’s usually are not my best day…. I get the Sunday funk pretty bad and now that we are getting into darker days and gloomy winter weather, well it’s not a good combo for my depressed tendencies.  Some Sunday’s I’m good and I feel o.k. but yesterday was a struggle.  I did manage to shower *high five* but that was the extent of my movement, oh I did wash and put away laundry *high five* but the rest of the day, ALL of Sunday, I was on the internet.  I attempted to read but that lasted 5 minutes.  As a social worker, I know this type of activity is not healthy but as I tell my folks as long as you don’t build a house in that funk it’s o.k. to have a day or two.    Joe also has his Sunday funk and like me, sometimes it’s worse than others. He had a decent Sunday, he even worked out!  He spent most of his internet browsing in a more productive fashion by doing research. I felt bad for being a lazy butt but Joe in our relationship fashion, was not judgmental, did not force anything on me, and just gave me my space to do absolutely nothing and not feel totally bad about it.  This all went down in a studio apartment all day.  Even when we have our moods/funks/etc. we are able to not feed into it, make it worse, or feel weird about it!  How amazing is that?!

New place has a fire pit!

Now it’s Monday, work is typical Monday with a dash of crazy due to the first snow of the season and not a lot of people at work.  But I’m good. The funk of Sunday has not lingered and I’m feeling motivated to be productive.  

We haven’t been overly busy this past month getting settled into our new place, but looking back on some pictures I’ve taken we’ve been busy enough!  

After Mom's visit, and my last post, we had the awesome experience of driving into Denali park.  You can only drive so far in your own vehicle, with a pass, but at the end of the season and to give back to military they give a certain number of passes and there is also a raffle.  If you win, you get to drive as far as the road takes you.  Our neighbors had a pass and invited us along and it was amazing. Of course pictures cannot really do the beauty of this state justice.  We were blessed with a clear day but that also appeared to keep a lot of the critters away.  We did see a few bears, some elk, and a fox...along with the butt of a moose walking back into the tree line :)

Denali

Tourist in our back yard!

The weekend we moved into our new place Joe noticed there was some motorcycle travelers from Chile stranded on one of the many social media groups we follow. Since we were pretty much moved, just needed to organize and get situated, Joe took off to go pick them up and give them a ride into town.  We ended up having a couple of meals with them and picked their brain on their travels.  Awesome experience!  Joe got to spend more time with them due to not working during that time. Since then he has scored a state job that he is enjoying better than his other two jobs.  It's more of an office work gig, he's a program manager, and he gets to interact and talk with A LOT of people with the overall goal to get Veterans back to work.  

New traveling friends!

I can't believe 2018 is almost over! Before we know it we will be in 2019!!!  I believe I've found a work out that fits my needs and I'll actually stick with!  Pure Barre is a low impact high intensity workout and I've been able to go 3 times a week for a month now!  I cannot recall when that has happened LOL.  What I like it is low impact, you really work your muscles but I need to start adding more cardio somewhere.... the place I go is supportive and the little changes in the routine stop me from getting bored with the workouts.  Good music and the workouts go by quick so I don't find myself always looking at the clock.  The first week that I went they had a wine down Wednesday, yep they had wine for people!!!! So yeah, best workout place ever!  Nothing like a little treat for working out :)