Hippie

According to dictionary.com:

Hippie or Hippy

noun

1. a person, especially of the late 1960s, who rejected established institutions and values and sought spontaneity, direct personal relations expressing love, and expanded consciousness, often expressed externally in the wearing of casual, folksy clothing and of beads, headbands, used garments, etc

This past week I was called a hippy.  This wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last I'm assuming.  The cause of my "label" was a reusable sandwich wrapper so I'm not using zip lock bags.  

I immediately felt defensive, like being called a hippy was a bad thing.  Think about it... how does society view "hippies".  When you hear the word hippy what comes to mind? For me it brings up people in their own little world (which I was accused of as a child), not really going with society norms (check), not getting upset about a majority of things...not bad things but then you get the hippy that lives in a commune, free love, pot smoker, in sandals, flowing garments, not bathing on a regular basis.  And TODAY hippy usually is paired up with liberal, granola cruncher, Subaru driving (I do drive a Subaru), give handouts to everyone.... need I go on?

I saw my defenses go up and I felt I had to "prove" I wasn't THAT bad of a hippy.  I mean I do shave my legs regularly!  But after this whole interaction I thought about it more and there are worse things I can be label as, but is hippy really that bad?  

It's a label, a word, that does not truly define me.  I am not one thing over another.  I am a complex person, just like we all are, and I'm not confined to one label.  Yes I do what I can to lesson my impact on this earth, recycle when I can, and try to make good choices because everything I do has an impact.  I realize I do not live in a bubble.  

I struggle with labels, even as a social worker and I have to diagnose someone.  Sometimes it can be freeing to know that the reason you think and feel a certain way can be explained by a mental illness but then what?  I've seen people use their diagnosis as a tool to empower themselves to get better where as others have used their diagnosis as a crutch or an excuse to continue with their ways.  I struggle with my own labels and I have to wonder WHY do we have to fit into a box or fit a certain mold to be understood and at times accepted?

The whole thing is crap!  Be true to yourself and don't focus on what you'll be labeled as and on the other side of that coin stop assigning labels to other people!  As soon as you do,  you put them in a box with your assumptions on how that person thinks and acts.  Which could result in loosing out on knowing a really amazing human being.

Yes, I have hippie tendencies...I also have liberal AND conservative tendencies and according to others that have labeled me I am: cold hearted, warm, loving, resilient, bitch, snobby, grounded, depressed, relaxed, anxious, kind, introverted, adventurous.....

In a moment, in a day, in a week... we are so many things.  We grow, we change, we interact with situations as they come, we are fluid and adaptable so why would we focus so much on what we are labeled or what we label other people?

Be open to yourself and others! Live big and take "labels" as they truly are, a snapshot of that moment, a highlight of one part of you as a truly remarkable human being that is adaptable and open to new experiences.  

A recent loss

"It's not if but when" that is what we heard during my MSW program in regards to a client who will commit suicide.  It's a sad thought but that is the business we are in.  That phrase comes to mind if not daily, weekly, as I work with soldiers who are struggling.  I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately, and I'll explain why in a minute, and today I realized even more that the odds are stacked against me in when someone I know, work with, or treat will be affected by suicide.  Not only am I working with depressed individuals but I also have chosen to work with military, active duty and veterans.  In addition to that, I am a veteran, so a majority of my friends, family, and acquaintances are military.  We all hear the news on what military/veteran suicides look like.
On a daily basis, I have to assess the risk of a client walking away and harming him/herself.  Working on the inpatient unit in Florida that risk was there but there were more ways to mitigate the risk.  Working at the VA and now on the Army base, my ability to mitigate the risk is extremely limited.

At the VA I worked with a young veteran that had severe PTSD, TBI, and medical problems which in itself is a struggle.  He also had a troublesome relationship resulting in a toxic cycle of doing well and then making an attempt on his life.  This cycle would last a month, so on average, every month (if we were lucky 2 months) this veteran attempted to take his life.  During my work with him I did therapy but also tried to get him into an inpatient facility, private and VA.  I got excuses and refusals!  He's not stable, medically or mentally, I would be told OR there would be a month or more long wait to be admitted.  This service member did not have that luxury.  The veteran had a serious attempt, and was put in the state psychiatric hospital.  Those stays are short with no real treatment, think padded room environment and medications.  Once notified of this I went to my supervisor so frustrated at the system and scared for this veteran that I was in tears.  My supervisor calmly looked at me and tried to comfort me, thinking I was upset that I did something wrong and it was my fault that he was admitted.  I quickly informed him my tears were not of sadness but that I was so pissed and frustrated that I've been trying for months, talking to him and others at work, for help and guidance on how to get this veteran admitted into a facility that would help him.  He seemed a little surprised but getting "emotional" got more people involved and I was able to find a private facility that would take him in.  This is one of many reasons I decided to leave the VA and find employment elsewhere.  Before I left the VA, he was still in inpatient and doing well.  I pray that he is still doing well.

At my current job I have seen a soldier for numerous weekly sessions, after they had worked with a different provider for a handful of sessions.   This service member has daily suicidal thoughts and with treatment, has not improved but has remained stable.  We had a conversation what stable meant, they thought it meant "doing well" I informed them that stable is no change so things can by shitty but be managed, "stable shitty".  I'm not going to go into details but the bottom line is that the Army is not a good fit for this individual.  Which is a part of my job.  I have two bosses when I'm meeting with a soldier, helping the soldier but also ensuring that the Army has a fit and ready soldier to accomplish the mission.  So it would be best for the service member's mental health to be discharged and that is in the works but it takes time.  
So here we are in the holiday season.  I meet with this person weekly and there is not enough spider senses going on and what is reported from the individual to push for an inpatient stay...this individual has already had one due to intense suicidal thoughts with intent.  After every weekend I call the inpatient unit and ask if any of our soldiers were admitted and every time I ask I hold my breath hoping it is not my soldier or any other soldier for that matter.

So, if this my normal life now as a social worker why the uptick in thinking about suicide?

I woke up the other morning and saw a post from a friend's wife that my friend, Jake, is no longer alive.  I was shocked.  I didn't know why.  There was no indication in the post.  I thought maybe he was ill and nothing was mentioned?  I worked with Jake while being a part of the reserve unit in Utah.  It's been years since we've actually interacted but we are Facebook friends so I've seen his family grow, promotions in the military, family vacations.... a happy active family doing their thing.  So I was confused.  At work I tried the google thing to see if anything would pop up, nothing.  A lot of people sharing condolences on FB but still no why.  I text a friend in the area and although she has lost touch with him also, from another friend it sounded like Jake died by suicide.  
I'm at work... my feelings of shock, concern, questioning turned back into shock and now despair at this news.  Again the questions? Why?  Tears came to my eyes, I lost my appetite, and I was at a loss.  
I'm at work and got soldiers to see, so like any military member, I tap into my military bearing and get back to work. In between appointments I talked to my supervisor about it and we touched base at the end of the day again but I find myself at a complete loss.  Then I came home and processed it some more with Joe.

This morning I woke up and looked at Jake's FB page and looked at his pictures. These are the same pictures that I noticed in the past while I scrolled through FB. Pictures of a happy family full of smiles and good times.  Then I really started to look, at the body language and the eyes...was there pain and sadness? or am I seeing something now that he is gone and I'm trying to rationalize why he would take his own life?  When it comes to death, we will never have an answer although our brain wants so badly to make sense of something that will never make sense, even if we had reason for it.

Most people don't post their pain and personal struggles on social media so how many of us scroll through pictures not really seeing them and just blindly hit "like" or "love"?  HOW MANY TIMES DO WE DO THIS IN REAL LIFE?!  We ask how someone is doing, we exchange pleasantries, but we DO NOT REALLY SEE OR LISTEN to that person.  
As a society we have become "ten second Tom's" in that things need to be quick.  We size up situations, we make hasty responses, we move on to the next thing, the next person, the next interaction.  

PLEASE slow down in your life.  Be present with the person you are with and truly engage with your life and with people.  Take the time to listen and follow your gut instinct that cries out that someone is not fine, when they say they are with a smile and a joke.  There is too much negativity in our world so we need to actually be there for one another, showing kindness, being vulnerable with each other in our pain and in our joy.  Not only do we need to be open to others but we need to be open TO others when we are in pain and need help.  How many of us go through life with a mask on, not being genuine with others... hoping that no one notices our own pain and struggles but wishing someone would care?

I only worked with Jake a few years, if that, before moving away but the world lost a gentle soul.  Jake was always there with a smile, he was dependable, smart, and so very caring and non-judgmental of others.  I hope that he now feels what everyone else saw in him, wherever he may be.  


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255.... press 1 if you're military

Been busy and late on post...

Chilln' in our new digs!

Well, Joe and I have moved into our new digs.  A studio apartment that is furnished.  Yep, we’ve gotten rid of all of our furniture and downsized all that extra stuff that you don’t realize is accumulating in drawers, closets, and bins!  Granted we still have stuff to get rid of, and we are going to do quarterly sweeps of our stuff.  So every few months we are going to go through our bins, Tupperware, and kitchen stuff and get rid of things we have not used.  Currently I am doing the hanger swap from those plastic hangers to some thinner ones, if I still have items on plastic hangers after so long then that clothing will be donated!  

We have been in our new studio for almost a month now and we are doing well.  People are always shocked when we tell them of the small space we are now living in and what our future plans are. We’ve heard “well, you really got to like the person” um duh and we do.  Joe and I can occupy the same space and still be focused on individual things.  Yesterday was a prime example…

Sunday’s usually are not my best day…. I get the Sunday funk pretty bad and now that we are getting into darker days and gloomy winter weather, well it’s not a good combo for my depressed tendencies.  Some Sunday’s I’m good and I feel o.k. but yesterday was a struggle.  I did manage to shower *high five* but that was the extent of my movement, oh I did wash and put away laundry *high five* but the rest of the day, ALL of Sunday, I was on the internet.  I attempted to read but that lasted 5 minutes.  As a social worker, I know this type of activity is not healthy but as I tell my folks as long as you don’t build a house in that funk it’s o.k. to have a day or two.    Joe also has his Sunday funk and like me, sometimes it’s worse than others. He had a decent Sunday, he even worked out!  He spent most of his internet browsing in a more productive fashion by doing research. I felt bad for being a lazy butt but Joe in our relationship fashion, was not judgmental, did not force anything on me, and just gave me my space to do absolutely nothing and not feel totally bad about it.  This all went down in a studio apartment all day.  Even when we have our moods/funks/etc. we are able to not feed into it, make it worse, or feel weird about it!  How amazing is that?!

New place has a fire pit!

Now it’s Monday, work is typical Monday with a dash of crazy due to the first snow of the season and not a lot of people at work.  But I’m good. The funk of Sunday has not lingered and I’m feeling motivated to be productive.  

We haven’t been overly busy this past month getting settled into our new place, but looking back on some pictures I’ve taken we’ve been busy enough!  

After Mom's visit, and my last post, we had the awesome experience of driving into Denali park.  You can only drive so far in your own vehicle, with a pass, but at the end of the season and to give back to military they give a certain number of passes and there is also a raffle.  If you win, you get to drive as far as the road takes you.  Our neighbors had a pass and invited us along and it was amazing. Of course pictures cannot really do the beauty of this state justice.  We were blessed with a clear day but that also appeared to keep a lot of the critters away.  We did see a few bears, some elk, and a fox...along with the butt of a moose walking back into the tree line :)

Denali

Tourist in our back yard!

The weekend we moved into our new place Joe noticed there was some motorcycle travelers from Chile stranded on one of the many social media groups we follow. Since we were pretty much moved, just needed to organize and get situated, Joe took off to go pick them up and give them a ride into town.  We ended up having a couple of meals with them and picked their brain on their travels.  Awesome experience!  Joe got to spend more time with them due to not working during that time. Since then he has scored a state job that he is enjoying better than his other two jobs.  It's more of an office work gig, he's a program manager, and he gets to interact and talk with A LOT of people with the overall goal to get Veterans back to work.  

New traveling friends!

I can't believe 2018 is almost over! Before we know it we will be in 2019!!!  I believe I've found a work out that fits my needs and I'll actually stick with!  Pure Barre is a low impact high intensity workout and I've been able to go 3 times a week for a month now!  I cannot recall when that has happened LOL.  What I like it is low impact, you really work your muscles but I need to start adding more cardio somewhere.... the place I go is supportive and the little changes in the routine stop me from getting bored with the workouts.  Good music and the workouts go by quick so I don't find myself always looking at the clock.  The first week that I went they had a wine down Wednesday, yep they had wine for people!!!! So yeah, best workout place ever!  Nothing like a little treat for working out :)

Time for a reset

Tux is not amused!

We've had a couple of good visitors but now it's time to get down to business.  As you can see, Tux isn't a big fan of being productive but it's what we have to do... damn adulthood!  But before I get into that stuff, our summer in Alaska is coming to a close :(

Mom's visit...she brought in some good HI sunshine!

Mom came for a month long visit and we had some decent weather while she was here!  We did some tourist stuff but I couldn't take a lot of time off so Mom was left to her own devices and she got familiar with our bus system.  She got out and about and saw Anchorage on her own.

We did the Kenai Fjords Tour which was amazing!  We saw whales, otters, puffins, otters, seals, glaciers, and amazing scenery!

Although this glacier was BIG it has shrunk dramatically over the years :(

We visited an old abandoned mine which is a quick drive from our house.  The park was closed, but we could walk around and it was beautiful.  Alaska amazes me on a regular basis!

We have been busy with Mom's visit but now she is back home in Hawaii and now we are in purge mode!

Like I mentioned in a previous post we are moving from our 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment to a studio apartment AirB&B.  We have a month to purge all of our stuff!  It's a mental process just as much as physical one.

We've been slowly downsizing and I've been keeping my buying down to a minimum.  Whenever I'm out and about, shopping or window shopping, I always ask myself now "do I need this? how will this fit into my traveling future? what will it replace?".  Knowing my goals and what I truly value has allowed me to stay focused in my day to day life.  I am able to ask myself how does this thing or this action fit into my value.  If I can't answer that question, I move on from it.  

For the past few weeks I've been thinking about my bathroom.  As a female we have tons of stuff in our bathrooms.... make up, hair products, face products, and just random stuff.  Today I purged my bathroom and my jewelry.  It is already feeling "more simple" and I'm just getting started!

In addition to this physical purge of all of our stuff we are doing a reset on our bodies.  With our visitors our eating habits have gotten out of whack and we both feel like our mental and physical selves need a reset, just like our purge of stuff.  

24 day reset!

We've done this once before and what we like about it is that we don't have to totally change our diet.  We eat healthy and as clean as possible.  So...for us that means less eating out and no alcohol LOL. So starting on Tuesday, after the holiday of course, it's game on!

one step at a time

Life is crazy and we never know what is next.  Being able to know your true self and your values allows you to keep moving forward in a way that fills one's soul.  

Ack.... it's been a month!

Can't believe it's been a month since I blogged and we are on our eighth month in Alaska!  We've been doing so much it seems so much longer.

Still alive, busy, and happy!

We are both on our second jobs.  We bought Stevie.  We had our first visitor last month and my Mom will be visiting in August.  We survived a winter and are gearing up for another winter.  Joe was told by someone at a store "winter is coming"!  We have actively been downsizing to get ready for future endeavors.   In August we will keep up the downsizing and in September we will be in full PURGE mode.  

We signed a lease for a studio place we found on AirB&B. We are going from a two bedroom apartment condo to one big living area with bathroom!  Oh, and there is NO T.V. in the studio. Are we crazy?!  Nah....our goal is to be living out of a van or truck camper and this will be a good transition step for us. Oh... the AirB&B is furnished so by 1 Oct all of our furniture will be sold/donated/or trashed!  We were able to meet are AirB&B "landlord" and see the property, or as he said do a "site visit".  The place is on his property and the studio is an addition to his house which is also small.  Nice yard and a fire pit that will come in handy in the winter months.  It's in an established neighborhood so it seemed quiet and chill.  We will be walking distance to some decent trails and closer to all the things to do and see in downtown.  No more visitors though LOL  If we get guest they are on their own for accommodations! 

Joe and I are still narrowing down are rig for traveling but we have a good direction. All the blogs/pics/and groups that are out there of people doing what we are planning on doing are awesome to learn from. 

Like I mentioned we had a visitor this last month.  My friend from Utah came up for a week long visit the beginning of July.  We were busy but not too busy :)  We checked out the Highland Games, I took her to Alyeska, the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center where we saw some bears, took in Seward, and relaxed!

Amanda and I

Highland games.... Love the shag!

Alaska!

Silly in Seward!

Unfortunately since my last post we have not taken Stevie out.  We hope to change that in August and take a little vacation out and show my Mom as much of Alaska while she is here.

Trusty Stevie

Slow internet... it's really selective internet!

I'm at work, not a place I like to blog but the computers are running on molasses!  Well, the programs and internet sites that are connect to my work are not working so here we are! I've restarted my computer 4 times and nada so I blog:P

Work is still going smoothly with no real complaints.  Things are at a pace that is almost a tad slow for me but I'm doing other things with my time.  Researching diagnosis, taking the time to really prep for people I'm working with, and doing some education. 

This past weekend, Joe and I took Stevie out for the weekend.  We didn't drive off far, it was just a regular weekend but it is amazing how camping and being out in nature changes one's mood.  After last week I was fine, wasn't overly stressed or anything along those lines.  We go out camping and it's like my work is a world away, although we just drove 2 hours away!  We spend a full day hiking on Saturday and it is confirmed...I did something to my knee :(  I have an appointment already scheduled so we will see what is going on with that!  Can't be restricted to only 4 mile hikes!  Not here in Alaska!

The trail we chose to go on is actually around 16 miles or so, an out and back.  You hike 8 miles out to a glacier and then come back.  We made it to almost 4 miles.  So we did a total of around 8.  We attempted to make it to the 4 mile marker but we were thwarted by marshy land we could not navigate through or around.  So we turned around, found a clearing, and took a power nap before heading back to Stevie.  Not a lot of food traffic on the hike so it was pretty low key and relaxing. 

Getting back to Stevie we relaxed with some drinks and grilled some cheeseburgers.  We heading home early on Sunday and it worked out great because we got back before the other RVs, so no line to dump, and we had the day to get ready for the week ahead!

Animal sitings update:

Buffalo: a big herd

Caribou: 9 alive and 1 carcass
Deer: 5

Dall Sheep: lost count

Rabbit: 1

Prairie Dog: 1

Tundra Swan: lost count
Moose: lost count
Bald Eagle: lost count
Porcupine: 1
Sea Lions: 4

Artic Ground Squirrel: 1

Health and Fitness

For anyone that knows me or spends any time on this blog you may have noticed I start some things (lipsense, exercise routines, essential oils...) but then you never hear anything more about them.


Update:
-completely stopped messing with lipsense, I have some lipsticks that are collecting dust (I'm low maintenance and low make up)
-essential oils: I still use them for myself, at home, and at the office but am not a big seller of items no matter how much I like them and use them
-exercise routines: I have started and stopped more times than anything and I foresee that I will continue with this behavior.  I've accepted this part of me :D


One thing that I am decent about is monitoring myself, diet and exercise, and when I feel things are not going well or I'm slacking in an area I change.  If I feel that I've been over indulging in unhealthy food, wine, cider, whatever I will scale back.  When I begin to notice that clothing is getting tighter or that my arms are flapping more than I'd like I start working out again.  I do NOT just go out and buy bigger clothing.  I guess it's a blessing for me that I hate shopping and I'd rather starting expending more energy than shop for clothing ;)


Which brings me to my latest attempt to try something and we will see how long it last.  Being back in the regular work force I tend to not work out as much or eat regularly or healthy.  I end up rushing in the morning and skipping breakfast.  At my last job I kept a stash of energy bars at work (cliff, luna, etc.), something I could grab for breakfast or lunch on the go without walking to the coffee shack or vending machines OR skipping out all together.  I've been keeping my eyes out for a meal replacement shake.  A few years back I was ordering  and drinking Shakeology.  At that time it was good for me, the taste wasn't bad, and I kept with that for a decent amount of time.  Things that I didn't like about it, that I can remember, was the automatic shipping.  I hate automatic shipping for ANYTHING!  I tend to not use whatever it is in the amount of time they think I'll need another order.  I understand it's usually cheaper to do the auto shipping but for me I don't like to waste and that is what ends up happening. 


So my latest and greatest "try out" is Huel.  It's a meal replacement shake.  I'm not sure how I came across it, maybe Facebook, but I took some time and read about it.  Reviewed some write ups and what people thought about it.  It seemed good enough to try out and I don't have to do the automatic shipping (pro).  I got my first shipment this past weekend.  I was going to start drinking it for breakfast over the weekend to make sure I wouldn't have any gut problems with it (most of these drinks have a good amount of fiber).  I didn't stick to that plan... it was Memorial Day weekend and there are other things to drink and eat that was more appealing to me! 

For your first order you get 2 bags of Huel, a shaker bottle, and a tshirt.  I also ordered a flavor boost, strawberry, just in case the vanilla wasn't the best tasting.  The shaker bottle made me a little nervous due to not having a mixing ball in it, just a weird screen thingy.  Back to the internet I go "does their bottle work to mix it well" "what is the screen thing".  Some of the reviews complained that it is lumpy so I was worried.  How is this going to mix well without an agitator of some sort?  The whole point of this is for easy, mix and go, if I have to use a blender I'm not going to be a fan?! 
There were mix responses to my questions, which were similar to others.  Oh and the screen thingy is an ice catcher.


First day going back to work and first try with Huel.  First off it has a pleasant smell when I opened the bag, slightly sweet (I got the vanilla one) and oaty.  Directions say to poor 400 ml in the mixer, add 3 scoops, mix, and then another 140 ml of water.  That seemed a lot of water to me so I started with about 300 ml of water, added the 3 scoops, and did a little shake.  Actually a good shake, it's like it's own mini workout :)  Then I added about 100 ml more through the drinking spout.  This allowed me to rinse some of the product that got stuck there.  I mixed again.  I then took the top off and added a few ice cubes and then the ice catcher.  Easy peasy!(pro) The taste, I was surprised how good it was! (pro) Seriously.  There is a slight chalk/grit feel but to me it's miniscle.  I tend to take my time drinking it, once I mix it I am usually walking out the door, walking into work I give it some more shakes/mixes, and when I get into work I start drinking it.  I casually drink it over an hour.  I also have a 10 min meeting I go to every morning and the Huel is camping out at my desk waiting for me. 


Yesterday after drinking it I felt content with the amount.  I didn't feel bogged down or overly full (pro).  Some have complained of stomach upset.  In the mornings after drinking it I do not have any stomach issues or bubble guts.  Once it starts to process out of my stomach into my intestine (per google that is around 6 hours) I start to get some gut issues.  As I type this (this is my second Huel day) I have bubble guts and feel like I have to go, is this the lunch I just wolfed down or the Huel getting into my GI track?  I could go either way I think :(  Per the blogs, this GI upset is "normal" and my body will eventually adjust to it.  I got it, went through this with Shakeology but it was more aggressive with that shake.  You have to keep in mind most of these shakes have a good amount of fiber, way more than most of us routinely have in our diets although we should.  I get it, it's par for the course.  I am working on increasing my water intake so that should help mitigate this transition. 


So, my second day down drinking Huel.  I'm liking it thus far and I'm looking to trying out other flavors with it and even cooking with it!  As of today I have no complaints about it either but I'm a pretty laid back person.  I'll attempt to keep you all updated with how this Huel thing works out for me.  Oh, some people do meal replacement shakes for weight loss and some for weight gain.  I'm neither.  I'm comfortable with my weight but I would like to tone up some and get in better shape.  I am watching my caloric intake and a meal replacement is a great way for me to monitor the calories better.