I'm not going to "post" this till later but I wanted to just put it out there in the cyber universe.
This afternoon I saw "The Theory of Everything" and it was a wonderful movie. It got me thinking and choking on emotion.
I am in the midst of separating from Shane. By the time I post this, it will be over and we'll be separated. Walking home from the movie I couldn't help but think about love and finding your "one". The movies always paint this beautiful picture of falling in love, people just KNOW. These stories have to come from somewhere right?! Seeing someone and just knowing that they are your fit without a doubt!
I've been stumbling my way through love, and through life, trying to find that "fit". Am I stumbling due to my own mental hang ups in relationships or have I failed to find my fit? I had a friend say to me, after one of my hard break ups, is that he admires me because throughout my trip ups, I am still hopeful in finding that perfect fit for me. Is it the true love of movies and make believe, I don't know... but I have to believe that I will know it deep in my soul that I've found my fit.
Endings are always hard, even if they are for the best. My heart is heavy today for this good-bye that is coming but I know this is what needs to be. I'm not going to be happy and he's not going to be happy. He is not my fit.
I also had a couple of saved quotes:
"Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston (1891-1960) American Novelist, Playwright, Anthropologist .
"All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand." - Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850-1919) American Writer, Poet, Journalist
So I probably wrote this around January and a lot has happened since then. In January I spent some time with an old friend in North Carolina, Joe. We first met in Okinawa, both of us were stationed together there. There has been three people in my life whom I've been drawn to instantly: one in high school, Joe, and another person while I was going through some training. Never acted on the one in high school, and the one during some training didn't pan out but Joe was a different story. We were together off and on for three years. We had our drama, but there was something that fit with him so well even back then. The way we communicated and were with each other, it was comfortable and we fit in such an amazing way. Due to circumstances and the military way, we both went our separate ways. Over the years we would touch base with one another, check in and see where each other was in life. He's had a few marriages and his own handful of relationship trips, like me. He was suppose to have a work trip to Hill AFB in Utah but then I didn't hear anything so I checked in with him, the trip was canceled but we started emailing back and forth. He was actually in Germany at the time visiting friends. We kept it friendly and he realized that I was going through some things and he was a good friend giving me support in my decisions to work on my relationship. He offered me a reprieve from things, to give me a break from everything. He is renting a house in NC, and had room to spare and an extra car..he even offered to go stay at a friends house while I was here if I really needed some down time away from everything. Joe offered that out and at first I wasn't going to go. During this time, I was seeing a psychologist for some individual therapy to help me work through some of my relationship stuff and get me back on track.
In one of my lasts sessions with the psychologist we talked about following my gut, which I don't really do...my "mind" gets in the way and I over think things or rationalize things. We broke out my "process" and we talked about a time when I followed my gut and didn't listen to my over rational mind. The time when I really did that was when I volunteered to India. We looked at that and broke that down and it's my goal to keep listening to my gut. So..... when Joe brought up a break for me, and offered me a safe place for a little bit to reset and recharge, I took some time and thought about it and decided to take him up on his offer.
I hadn't really seen Joe since we were stationed in Okinawa, we exchanged pictures every now and then but physically been around him...it's been 13 years or so. So with a big case of nerves, but excited to get a break I flew out to NC.
There are people in our lives that we meet and it's like we've always been together, people that it doesn't matter how many years have passed we always fall back into an easy relationship, where the communication flows smoothly and there is a comfort that is indescribable. I had to fly into Charlotte and we had a wee bit of a drive to get to his house. That whole drive was comfortable, we talked freely about so many things, and didn't even noticed that we had rung in 2015 with each other because we were talking so much. The whole trip was relaxed and comfortable and exactly what I needed at that time. We did some sight seeing, he took me to the beach :D and just enjoyed doing whatever came up with no set plans.
Making it back to Utah, I had my last semester to finish at school. Shane and I were still going through our break up. We had agreed that we had broken up already but he was getting things set up for his move so we were still in the apartment together. It was hard...
Joe and I kept our communication and he attempted to retire early so he could move to Utah but was denied. When that happened, my automatic response was that I'd move out to NC. I will have graduated, retired from the military, and will be in between looking for jobs.... so "why not".
Towards the end of May, Joe came out and we moved to NC. I've been here for almost a couple of months now and I'm still amazed at how "we" are, how we fit, how we communicate, and our love. We've had a rough road to get here which allows us both to appreciate what we have that much more.
I've never gave my stock into fairy tales, the romantic stories in movies but now.... I feel that I'm truly blessed with a love that stories are written of. We found our way back to each other.... I don't question it and have finally fell into my "fit".
During our emails back and forth before moving out to NC we would find random quotes that explained things that we couldn't.... here are some felt truths we shared:
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