Depression

Depression like anything else in life is hard to describe to people that haven't "been there".  For those that know me, know that I battle depression.  I've done meds. I've done therapy.  I've done acupuncture.  I've done stuff that I don't even remember what it's called in hopes to have this beast gone from my life.  The beast is not gone, it never will be, and everyone is different in what works for them to keep the depression in check.  I've found my niche and so far so good!  I have my moments but these moments no longer cripple me.  I know how to deal and I know how to cope.  I wish I could say I will never visit the darkest corners of depression again...I probably will but I have more ammunition that before.

The reason for this post is not cuz I got blind sided by depression but someone I dearly love is in a major battle right now.  It's killing me because there is nothing I can do, not where I'm at now.  The only thing I can do is send good peaceful vibes across the universe to her and pray that she finds her way and begins to reach out to those who care, to start accepting the love and support that is all around her.

Depression is physically and mentally exhausting.  Depression is like being in a room with no doors and you don't know how you got there, the floor is mud, and there is that one window that looks out to the world you want to be a part of.  You can see out, maybe ever interact with people through the window but moving towards that window is physically exhausting, your feet get stuck in the mud and the more you struggle the more tired you become and you begin to give up.  It's so much easier to just sit in the mud.  It's easier to sit there in your own thoughts, in your own reality and not move.  Then your evil ego starts to beat you up, "what are you doing?! go to the window, open it, join everyone else.  you are SUPPOSE to be out there.  you are SUPPOSE to be happy.  there is NO REASON why you are here. there is nothing physically wrong with you.  there are worst people off than you. You are lazy.  Can't you do anything? You don't need to ask for help, everyone else has their own stuff to deal with, their own life. You want to burden them with what? you feeling blue?  What a waste! Just go open the window"  You struggle and try to go to the window but your feet are 100 lbs, the window is so far away, it's just easy to sit there in the mud....

Depression is the ultimate joker.  You're debilitated, defeated, and don't know what to do.  BUT YOU DO KNOW!  The answers are within you.  The power to defeat this thing is within you.  Yes, medications are sometimes needed to mentally check you and refocus and keep you on the path but maintenance and the daily battle is within you. There is no medication that totally takes this beast away...there never is because YOU have to do the work, you have to do the hard work, the mental work, the physical work to keep this thing in line. And when you finally realize this and you look back you want to kick yourself for being so clueless.

Take the shoes off, rejoice in the feeling of the mud between your toes, play like a child in a puddle and make your way to that window.  It's one step at a time and that window.... well, it's just one easy latch and you are breathing in that fresh air.

You're out and in control and the next time, cuz there will be a next time, you'll notice the warning signs...you'll be proactive in keeping the beast in check.

And sometimes it's a daily battle but the strength to get out of bed, to notice the gifts of the world, to appreciate a flower in bloom, the smell of fresh cut grass or baked bread, a dog licking your face... it's all within us to notice and appreciate them  We can focus on our own negative thoughts or we can look outward and refresh our positive views and then we can look at ourselves in a positive light.

It's a balancing act, it's a dance I dance daily and I am finally learning the steps!  I am just praying that my friend, my loved one is still hearing the music and begins to dance!