Never thought I'd feel that way but it was needed. I've been sick since Sunday and it just has lingered and lingered. I have literal spent the past two days in bed. That's all fine and dandy in efforts to get over this crud but for someone who is prone to depression... two days in bed, flipping channels with little or no interaction with anyone.... well, it's not a good thing.
With my therapy I've gotten pretty good with changing how I think about things, mainly how I view myself and feel about myself. You got to love yourself before you could ever love anyone else sort of thing. Today, it started to turn into that bad mental monkey vortex of doom in my head :(
These negative thoughts usually focus around one thing. I make up stories (which of course are negative), I think the worse thing of EVERYTHING, and I mentally question things about myself. ALL of which is STUPID!
But... I am getting SO much better at realizing this. I mean, with any sort of addiction, they say acceptance is one of the first stages of recovery. Depression, and the mental negativity could be seen as an addiction. It's been such a part of who I am for as long as I can remember and to change my whole way of thinking is to change my way of life. I can now, usually, step back and see it for what it is.
I forced myself to go to class tonight. I only have 2 more classes for this class and I knew I needed to go. We watched a movie on female suicide bombers and here I am wallowing in my depressive head cold sickness! WTF?!
I am SO blessed! I have a wonderful set of supportive parents. I have wonderful friends that support me. I have my health, I have my freedom to make my own choices on what I'm going to do with my life. I have had this great opportunity to finish my school in Hawaii :) I have been able to do this without having to work for my day to day survival. Who am I to be depressed about my own made up mental fantasies, why do I allow my monkey brain to take control?
It's a new year and my future is a blank book! Nothing is set in stone, and I don't have to do anything. I am in a free fall and it is scary. I don't know what is going to happen 6 months from now. I have an idea where I will be living ;) but as for a job... who I will be hanging out with... everything is up in the air and I need to be embracing this unknown of my future!
It's all about baby steps and I need to have patience and faith in the universe in that it will give me what I need...
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln
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