I've come to realize....

For the past couple of days I've been working at my unit catching up on deployment folders. Not the most exciting thing in the world but it needs to be done. Today, to break up the monotony of this task I started looking for jobs, mainly in Utah, to see what is out there. During my "break" I ended up on the CDC website, and also other sites that deal with medical/public health capabilities... I could travel etc. Granted a lot of these require more education that I have right now but some have internships and other programs. Up until today, that's what I wanted.... to travel, to see the world, and to do good around the world. But today, I realized my dream has changed. I still want to travel, I still want to help people, but more importantly I would like to have that special person with me. I want a stable foundation on all levels of my life: physical, emotional, and in any relationship that I will have. I'm tired of my wanderings on all those levels. It's time to put down roots. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I can't keep running. THAT is more important to me more than anything else. I want a job that I enjoy, but that's not the most important thing to me. Who I am with is more important, and that I have the capabilities to do things that we want to do together and also be able to support each other in our personal interests. I don't want one's passion to overshadow the other's to where it's all consuming of the relationship. I want the equal support from both sides.

I usually "loose myself" in relationships and in the end resent the other person cuz of this loss even though they had nothing to do with it, I've allowed this to happen. I've been doing a lot of self reflection and growth during these past months and I'm getting to have more confidence in what I want and I've been listening to myself... TRULY listening to myself and I do know what I want and need.

My therapist has been awesome and cuz of her when I have these urges, when my voice wants to be heard I'm listening to it. I step back and acknowledge what is being felt, I look at why, and try to be objective about it. It's tiring, sometimes it's hard, sometimes I cry, and sometimes I feel as though a weight has been lifted.... but I usually come out with some clarity, and instead of questioning it or over analyzing it I accept it for what it is and move on. The more I dwell on things, the more I think about things and focus on it then I usually end up smothering my inner voice and I "think" myself a solution... which in most cases is NOT what I need for my own happiness.

SO.... I have no idea what my future holds, but I have faith that through it all things will work out, it usually does. A new year is just around the corner, like all my other years I'll go into it with hope and a fresh slate....